Dating a Widow

Megan--

Welcome to A2K.

You write:



Dating is dating. An LTA is much more of a committed sharing of lives.
Can you talk with your widower about displaying his past in your present?

The relationship with Jane is progressing fairly well. At a certain point I brought up some of the issues gently and it made an impression. A 10 year anniversary ring that she wore on her right hand has gone in the safety deposit box(I never mentioned the ring but it was hard not to notice), clothes from her deceased husband are being packed away, and she mentioned getting scrap books for the pictures(again I realize it's not my house so I did not push this issue just brought up the fact that if we ever got to the stage of marriage I did not want ghosts of relationships past staring down on me from the walls). I think she wanted to show me she was ready to move on which in retrospect is far more important than the physicality of some of the objects.

Other issues have cropped up not related to the widow issue as they do in all relationships. Hopefully we can get past them.

To the megan10, Clary, and others: Thanks for sharing your stories, comments, and advice.

Im glad to hear that you two are able to talk so openly about this .
I hope this relationship is fullfilling for you and her.

Good luck to you with that.

One question - more of a suggestion.

If things progress to marriage with you two, what if she DOES want a picture of her ex around the home you two make together?
How would you feel about that?
If it was just one.. and simply for her comfort.. would that bother you?
What about ( I think i suggested this before..) designating an area just FOR that picture? Or two pictures.. or what ever it is she feels she wants?

Good questions. Designating an area or room for pictures of her deceased husband? Her son would want some in his room and as it is his room this is of course fine by me. More than that? I am not so sure. We still have some issues to deal with before we get to this point of course.

That does not strike me as being fair to her. I think she has a right to remember and treasure her memories with her late husband...just like her son has a right to treasure his dad...I understand you do not want reminders of her old relationship all over the place...but you shouldnt try and wipe it out completely, IMHO. Good luck.

Sakhi, I agree. She has just lost someone. Whether she loved him or not, the dead have a way of leaving good memories and taking the bad ones with them. However, the fact that you have a relation with her indicates she wants you in her life. I'd say give it some time. Once you get more comfortable with each other and probably think of marriage, then gently broach the subject of you being uncomfortable with the picture next to your bed or wherever. If she loves you, she'll understand.
My wife is religious and loves to put God's pictures all over the house. I spoke to her about it and she took it away from places I don't want. I sure hate to have Him watching with piercing eyes while we... you know. :-)

John,

I'm in such a similar situtation, it's scary. We should talk offline.

How are things going now? Any updates?

I understand totally...
I know what your going through. However I find myself in the same exact situation only just months after him loosing his wife, I'm living with him. Don't get me wrong I love him with all my heart but it hurts very much. How do you ignore those feelings we have when they hurt so much. But then we don't want to hurt them because we love them. I don't think its wrong for us to want the pictures out of sight but I do know that they must heal on their own even though it may hurt us. At times I feel like I know I should have waited until more time had passed but at the same time I didn't want to loose him. Hope things are better now, I am just simply lost myself!

amberina- Welcome to A2K!

Yes, maybe you moved in too quickly, but that it a done deal now. I live in a retirement community, and widowhood is a common reality here.

What I have found is that whereas women in general can cope with the death of a spouse, a widower will often latch on to the first woman who is kind to him. Women often have social networks of other women to help them through the early days after the death of a spouse, but men often don't.

Remember, your partner has only recently lost a woman that he loved. That woman is a great part of his history. I don't know how old you both are, or how long the marriage was, but you cannot erase that history.

My suggestion is to allow him to grieve in his own time, if you want the relationship to last. Don't become a rival to his dead wife. Accept the fact that she is a great part of his past, and if he wants her picture displayed, maybe that is what he needs to do. Later on, when your relationship with him has firmed up, you might want to gently discuss the issue with him, but not now.

He is not ready to move on yet. Give him his space. Good luck!

I understand what you are saying completely. But I kept my feelings about the pictures hidden, at least I was going to for some time. However, he removed them himself and told me that only he could decide when he was ready and that he was. They were married a year and dated a month prior. I even told him maybe not to put them away but put them in one certain room but he was against that. He actually said TODAY that he believed everything happened for a reason and that was to lead him to me his soulmate. I didn't and don't know how to take that because I feel he may be confused. He actually has joined several widower sites and has been doing them for the last seven months. I just feel that I need to hold back some of my feelings because I'm affraid of his feelings being from grief.

That is telling me that he still perceives himself to be in mourning for his dead wife. I know that this may be difficult for you, but you need to consider that what the two of you have might be a transitional relationship.

In that case, If it were me, I would not push too hard, but let him go at his own pace.

I agree with Phoenix about facing the possibility that this may be a transitional relationship for your lover/landlord.

Dated a month, married a year, widowed for 7? 8? months and starting an LTA situation 3-4 months later?

This guy seems a bit impulsive.

Hi, I have only posted once on this website and definetely cannot say I know what I am talking about but I can say that I am going through the same thing. Please read my original post of dating a recently widowed man by greenshany. I posted it tonight, 10/21/2007.
I am also dealing with having to see the pictures of the deceased spouse all over his house but it has only been 6 weeks into our relationship so I really can't say anything about it. But I have thought about his as far as the future because this will be something that we will be dealing with. I am recently divorced from an alcoholic so I do not have pictures of my ex sitting around but that is understandable. But I have come to the conclusion that as far as the pictures, it really doesn't bother me. The only time that it as it when we were in his bed and he had sat a very large framed picture of his wife on the floor because he was moving it out of his bedroom. However, he forgot about it and during our little time together in his bed, I happened to look at it and it really bugged me. I kindly asked him if he could over it up temporarily which he did.
As far as seeing her pictures all over the house, it just makes me sad for him and I actually have started crying a couple of times. I have told him that I respect his love of his deceased wife and their marriage. It was part of his life and if I am going to have a relationship with this man, I just figure I am going to have to accept this.
My big problem is dealing with the fact that the man I am seeing is very recently widowed so I am having concerns that I am just someone to help fill his lonely nights. He wants me to be with him whenever he is not working which has not been easy having 3 children. I feel like I am being pulled in a thousand directions but I do feel that I love this man. I am going to do whatever I need to do to accept the marriage that he had to this woman yet also try to keep our relationship new and different from what he had with his wife.
Hope that helps!

Hi there,

I'm going back to JohnCarter's initial post as I find myself in a relatively similar situation and am also myself a widow nearly 3 months into it. My partner passed away on the 15th of August after a prolonged battle with cancer and to this date I still miss her but believe I have accepted it now better than then and want to move on with my life.

I became member of a Widows organisation in the UK (that's where I live) and have met this person in an away weekend. We started talking to each other a few days later and I went round to her house twice. Her husband died almost a year ago and like JohnCarter's lady friend I got myself in the same predicament of sharing the bedroom with her late husband's pictures and clothes still hanging around.

I think she got cold feet of some sort as we stopped seeing and talking to each other almost a week now and despite my best efforts in trying to keep up the relationship she told me that she needed time and space to sort her mind.

I'm confused and going nuts with all this as I'm struggling to accept that. I know this is a long shot as this thread is quite old and I bumped into it while googling the net but any advice or clues would be much appreciated.

Cheers,
Joao

Joao--

Welcome to A2K.

Give your widow room and time. Women who are capable of deep feelings mourn more deeply than shallow women do.

Women who can be swept off their feet aren't worth much in the greater scheme of things.

Good luck.

If you're interested in more varied advice you might post your question as a New Thread.

Noddy,

Thanks for your advice. I will post it as a new thread.
Funny you said that because I never actually thought of it. Now it makes sense as I know she's not at all shallow.

Cheers,
Joao

PICS
I AM A SEMI-NEW WIDOW WHO HAS REALLY WORKED HARD THROUGH MY GRIEF. HE WAS NOT ONLY MY HUSBAND, BUT ALSO THE FATHER OF MY 3 CHILDREN, THE YOUNGEST BEING 18 MONTHS OLD WHEN HE BECAME ILL AND DIED. HE WAS ALSO MY BEST FRIEND.

THERE WILL FOREVER BE PICTURES OF THAT MAN IN MY HOUSE. THE CHILDREN NEED TO SEE HIM. I LIKE TO SEE HIM. HE BUILT THE HOUSE, ETC...

HOWEVER, AS I AM CHANGING AROUND ALL OF THE BEDROOMS IN MY HOME SO THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR ME TO DATE IT WON'T BE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME, I AM DESIGNATING 1 SPOT IN MY ROOM FOR HIS PICS. HE DESERVES AND SO DO I AT LEAST 1 PLACE WHERE I CAN DISPLAY CERTAIN FAVORITE PICTURES OF HIM. WILL IT BE RIGHT BY MY BED, NO!!! WHEN I BEGIN TO DATE, WILL THERE BE PICS OF THE NEW MAN AROUND, YES. I DIDN'T DIVORCE, BREAK UP OR FORGET MY HUSBAND AND I WON'T. I DO HOWEVER, PLAN ON LIVING THIS LIFE AND HOPEFULLY FINDING SOMEONE TO DO THAT WITH, WHO I WILL HAVE PICS UP OF, AS WELL.

I WILL LEAVE THE FAMILY PICS UP, AS HIS CHILDREN NEED THAT AND I LIKE IT, TOO.

WIDOWS, FROM GOOD LOVING RELATIONSHIPS, WILL ALWAYS LOVE THEIR SPOUSE WHO PASSED. THIS DOES NOT PRECLUDE EVERY WIDOW'S ABILITY TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE. AND IF THE WIDOW YOU DATE HAS CHILDREN AT HOME, IT WOULD BE WRONG TO ASK TO TAKE DOWN HIS PICTURES. BUT, LIKE I SAID, I DO NOT PLAN ON HAVING A PIC OF MY DECEASED SPOUSE ON MY NIGHT STAND WHEN I BEGIN TO DATE SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO HAVE SOMEONE SEE MY NIGHT STAND, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

IF YOUR BEST FRIEND DIED, WOULD YOU REMOVE REMNANTS OF HIM/HER, ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR FAVORITE PET AFTER GETTING OR HAVING A NEW ONE? NO. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION FOR LOVE. EACH PERSON IS DIFFERENT. GRIEF FROM LOSING A SPOUSE HELPS YOUR HEART TO GROW SO THAT YOU CAN LOVE AGAIN. IT DOES NOT REMOVE THAT LOVE AND A NEW SPOUSE CANNOT REPLACE THE OLD ONE. AND I WON'T REMOVE THE PICTURES. JUST ADD TO THE COLLAGE.

I HOPE THAT GAVE YOU SOME WIDOW INSIGHT.

I am also dating a widow but do not have any answers. My BF never went to any counseling and never really dealt with her death. I am wondering at times what I am doing in this relationship. We started off pretty heavy and then just stopped. We dont discuss marriage and there are still wedding pics in his girls' rooms. Dont get me wrong I think that they should a pic of their mom but why wedding photos. That to me seems a little disrespectful. His wife has been gone for almost 4 years, we have been together for 1.5 yrs. He and his wife were only married for about 2 years, not quite 2 years. am i fooling myself into thinking this will ever go any further then where i am now.

Dating widows
Many people here talk about how uncomfortable they are going to the widowed person's home and finding pictures of the deceased all around.

I want to suggest that you treat it as a "high school" or "college" date. If you are really serious about dating this person exclusively, then you must see yourself establishing a BRAND NEW LIFE, including a new residence, with the widowed person. Just as young people date and leave their parent's home to start a new relationship, older people dating widowed people MUST envision starting a new relationship in their own new home, eventually.

If the person you are dating can't see leaving their old home and neighborhood, then he or she has NOT finished the grieving process and shouldn't be dating at all.

Grief after being widowed lasts, typically, four to seven years. Anyone dating someone who has been widowed less than one year is fooling themselves: the poor widow is just looking for solace and comfort after a devastating loss, and is not ready for a new relationship.

Between one and four years, they are novices at dating, and if you are the first, expect to be dumped once the widowed person discovers their true, non-grieving
self. After four years have passed, a prospective suitor needs to find out what number he or she is in the "dating order" for the widow(er). If you are among the first three or four, consider yourself just "practice", There will be nothing long-lasting coming out of this.

One needs to find a widow(er) at least four years removed from the loss, and who has dated about four OTHER people before they meet you. Then, one has a chance for a new relationship: but ONLY if you can get the widow(er) to sell their old home and move to a brand new one, free from the ghosts (and pictures) of the past.

Great Laker--

Welcome to A2K.

You're asking a widow or widower to give up a lot on spec for a relationship which may or may not prove worth having.