Dating a Widow

WTF who are you to tell some one there selfish for wanting more from a man who lost his wife 10 years ago...hes the one who should be moving on. I find most widowers like to wallow in there sorrow for what ever reason, its easier then moving on with the living. Im also divorced and its much more painful then having the closer of death, so you get over your self and your bubblegum advice, in fact if your so unhappy why dont you go join your husband

I'm in a heated debate with my widower BF of over a year..may be some input will put this to reat. When we met 5 months after his wife died I had no idea he was a widower. When we went through the basics like what do you do for hobbies, ect..the question came up so what happen in your last realsonship and he said he was separated, nothing about she had died just separated. It wasn't until 3 months he told me she had passed. This has had a big effect on how I feel about him, if I had known he was a widower I would have taken a different path. My question is do you think he had the right to lie about such a thing, he says its not a lie they are separated.... I say BS he should have told me then and there not 3 months later when my feeling where starting to grow for him..what do you think

It's passive-aggressive BS. He was trying to have his cake, etc. by telling you it was essentially no big deal when, in fact, it was/is. And then, if things get at all difficult with you, he can claim it's suddenly a big deal and he's back in mourning.

Makes me wonder how he talked to/treated his deceased wife.

Or . . he didn't want to tell you because he would be in a vulnerable state, which men hate. People shift into a "sorry for you" mentality when you tell them you are a widow/widower. He did not want you to feel sorry for him and feel as though you had to rescue him.

He held you at a mysterious distance when he said he was separated.

When men asked about me, I simply said I was not married. I didn't want to pull out the "widow" card, for the simple reason that it changes the conversation.

This is just one theory. After all this time, you should know if he is passive-aggressive in other areas of his behavior.

That's true; it could be that. Thanks for another perspective.

I am a widower of 3 1/2 years in my late 50s and thought some of you might like to hear the perspective of a widower on some of the issues that are being discussed here. I tried dating sites after 18 months and discovered that while I was looking for companionship and time out of the house, all of the women I dated were looking for a relationship after a few dates. So, I quit dating and joined a number of meetup.com groups (hiking, mature singles, etc) and took up curling at the local club during the winter months. I met lots of people my own age to do activities with and the women tend to outnumber the men 3 or 4 to 1, so there was no lack of mixed company. I know that many of the women would love for me to ask them out but I won't hurt them by starting something that I'm not ready for (I also have 3 adult children who are all happily married and a mother-in-law who is 88 that I do not want to hurt).When I am ready to start dating, the main thing that I am looking for is someone who is "at peace" (as well as being attracted to a woman). I don't want any drama in my life and I find that the divorced or single women tend to have some anger or are not at ease when I speak at length with them. With the widows who are 4 or 5 years past the lost of their spouse, I do find our conversations to be very easy without the tension and both of us comfortable mentioning our late partner's name and tidbits from our past.

For the home, women are normally the ones who "feather the nest" and as a widower it provides a level of peace having that environment to live in. I don't find clothes or lots of pictures are necessary to create that feeling of continuity.

As a widower, I find that I am just trying to "move forward" and not to "move on" like most divorcees are. It is like my previous life "stalled" rather than ended and now I have a second life that I am trying to live in parallel. As time goes by, my new life consumes more and more minutes and hours each day and my previous life uses less. For my new life, I find I am living more or less just week to week. I haven't gotten to the point where I can set longer term goals and plan for the future. I think about what I should do with this second life - take a trip around the world?, sell the house and buy a condo and go south for the winter?, stay put and help raise my grandkids?, ... For me, I think that I will be ready for a relationship when I actually start setting a goal that is at least a year out AND start taking concrete steps towards that goal. Until then, my relationship with my late wife from my other life will likely interfere too much with my new life.

Hopefully some of my thoughts will help some of you in your relationships with widowers.

Wow. So many different perspectives. I am a widow of 3 years. I was married a little over 5 years. I do admit that it was a great marriage and I grieve it often. I miss the laughs and memories we had together. Before him, I had no idea how great a man could be. That said, I am not saying he is the only great man or that I can't love or haven't loved another man again.
There is a processes in which widows/widowers go through. I was almost numb the whole first year after his death. I hardly remember anything other than the love and support from my family and friends. I was living minute by minute. Time moved so slowly. Then layer it went hour by hour, day by day. As long as I can get through this day, I'll be fine, etc. Now I feel like time is going by at a normal pace.
As far as things of his in my home...I took care of his clothes quickly. I have away things of his, some I shouldn't have. Pictures are still present, but in minimal places. Things I haven't touched... his office, his office closet, and the garage. Not that I don't want to. It is such an overwhelming experience going through these things. The pain and heartache I go through is too much. I would never ask a significant other to help me with it. Maybe a friend or family member. There are things I see that should be taken down or poor away but it is too difficult.
Thanks for the many responses to how it makes you feel when it is left out. I will try my best to take care of them. However, just realize it is all a process for us.
I think of how I would have wanted my late husband to grieve. The thing is, I would just want him happy. If course I wouldn't want him to forget me, but I would want him to move on. I will never forget him. You never get over it, you just get through it. Good luck to all the widows and widowers out there reading this. You can get through it. Also, good luck to those dating the widows and widowers. I appreciate your patience while we go through the process. We may love our previous spouse, but we can still love again. I hope they fall in love with you.

If a widow has got pics of her hub all over the house tell her "Either they go or I go!"
I mean, you don't want to play second fiddle to him all the time do you?
I tried to date a widow once but there was no chance because she didn't WANT to forget him and move on.
I said to her "There are lots of lonely men out there who need the love you could give them", and she hit the roof yelling "NO MAN CAN EVER REPLACE MY HUSBAND!!"
So I never spoke to her again..

I have just begun dating a widow about 10 weeks ago. She often tells me that she is not ready for a long term relationship, but then out of the blue (about a week ago) she asked me if I love her.

Can anyone give some insight on that?

I am a former widow and when I decided to start dating I removed all of our photos from every room except for one photo in my private office and a couple of photos in my stepson's room. I cleared the house of his things, I put awsy my wedding ring and I bought a new bed and new linens. I wanted to be ready for all aspects of dating and I did not want the men I dated to feel like there was a ghost in the room. I also didn't want to dishonour my marriage by bringing another man into the same bed I shared with my late husband orvto be dating another man by wearing my ring, and that included wearing it on my right hand or around my neck. When I met my widower, who is now my husband, I had the same expectations of him. Clearing physical space opens up emotional space to search for a new partner.

I've been dating a widow for a year and 9 months and she's been widowed about 3 years. She was married for about 25 years and is extremely close to her inlaws. She still has photos of her late husband around her house but she says it's only for her kids one of which is 17 and still lives at home. She did remove the pictures of him from the bedroom but only after a year or so ago when I told her I was not comfortable in her bed with them there. She is a wonderful woman who I'm madly in love with but dating a widow is no doubt more difficult than dating a divorcee.

We've talked about marriage after her youngest is out of the house and even buying a house together as I don't think I could ever move into "their" house as it wouldn't feel like it was my house. She on the other hand said she's emotionally attached to her house not because of her late husband but because she's put so much into it. I'm not attached to mine as I've only been living in it for about 3 years after getting divorced 5 years or so ago so I have no problem starting over with a house of our own. To me that is the best solution and I think I've convinced her of that but we'll see.

My problem and maybe I'm being selfish but we were at dinner with another couple one night and the topic of her inlaws came up (the other couple were friends of hers and her late husband) and she nonchalantly says oh they are fine in fact I'm having lunch with all of his siblings on Monday for his birthday. I understand the visiting the grave on special days and remembering your loved ones but it hurt me that she would do that especially without even consulting me first. Am I wrong for feeling that way? She says she couldn't say no to them and that it is no big deal and she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life we me.

Just read all the posts and haven't seen this scenario so I was just wondering what others thought were? Would your opinion change if we were married and it had been longer since her late husband passed away? She says even if we were married and they asked her she would go because her inlaws or second only to her siblings. She did catch herself and say after me of course but sometimes it doesn't seem that way....

The family is honoring someone who died on their birthday. It happens to be your friends deceased husband. If I were you, I would remain silent and allow her to be there to comfort others and remember him with them.

When she hits the door, put your arms around her and ask her if she's OK. She will love your for that.

Thanks for your reply but I still don't quite understand the need for her to celebrate his birthday with them today now that she's proclaimed her love for me but than again I've never been a widower. I have been divorced twice but that's obviously different. When I'm in a long-term relationship, I devote myself and my love to that person but I guess I'll always have to share her love with him. Yeah I know I've read all the experts and posts that there is enough room in ones heart to love both, but if that's the case she can't say she loves me with all her heart like I love her . Maybe I'm not the right person to be dating a widow but the thought of being without her hurts more than sharing her love with him. Thanks again for your reply.

do you expect her to review all of her lunch plans with you?

Did you end all of your connections with friends/families of exes?

Her late husband's family will likely always be part of her family. That's not unusual.

do you have any children? parents? siblings?

No just the ones that involve celebrating her deceased husband's birthday with her inlaws instead of going on a trip out of town with me...but guess that's more important.

Yes I did actually now that you mention it as they were their families not mine.

Yes I have 2 parents both still living, 2 children, 7 siblings, 18 nieces and nephews and 8 great nieces and nephews and I love them all dearly but that's not the same type of love if that's why you're asking.

I guess you're going to have to think about all of this.

I'm connected to friends/families of exes going back over 40 years now (just reconnected with my 2nd boyfriend's family from when I was a young teen and we're planning a get-together). I can't imagine giving them up for a current partner - can't imagine he'd ask me to.

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I'm curious why you didn't consider her plans for her late husband's birthday when planning your trip. Did you ask her if she was free before planning a trip? It would be best for a lot of reasons.