Dating a Widow

aving been a widow for some time I can assure you that getting over the death of a spouse is something that will NEVER happen. It doesnt mean that you cant move on though & be a happy loving devoted companion to someone else. Those who feel as though they are in competition with the late spouse must have insecurities of their own. I can assure you if you are trying to compete, you will lose every single time. You will NEVER be him. That doesnt mean you will never be good enough for her. YOU equate the two. She is simply put still loving the life they shared. It doesnt mean she is incapable of loving you too. What you have to understand is that it is not about you. She will never get over him, she will never just one day miraculiously forget about him and that...IS OK! As far as his photos go...be secure in who you are & what you can provide to her as far as a relationship is concerned. Hes not watching you, hes dead. Her photos are her memories of the times they shared. Create new memoris with her...& one day you will start to see his photos will slowly be replaced by ones of you. It is a process...allow her to go throufh it at her pace. Just stop competeing & you will do just fine.

I have been dating a widow who lost her husband two years ago to cancer.
She was devistated and tells me of everything that happened and many times over. This has been going on now for nine months. I love her dearly and I usually deal with this okay, but not always. I think it is just good to read some of these stories.

I wish I could suggest to the widower I'm seeing that he read this. But alas, I can't. Won't, maybe just not yet. Thank you, this was a great post.

Your post touched me. I'm dating a widower of 3 years. We were high school sweethearts. Hadn't seen each other in 50 years. I'm afraid I am the rebound person. I have loved him my whole life. Didn't wait way back then. Is there always a rebound relationship?

Are you the first in 3 years?

You have background history. He feels safe with you.

Maybe that's all he can give you at this time.

Easy does it. Let him make the moves. You will know how ready he is by the way HE acts.

It is real therapy to read what others in simular situations are going thru!
I agree that it is completely different in dealing with x's than a deceased spouse. Just when you feel a completeness with your spouse, the adult step kids show up and your spouse wants to go to his former wife's grave with them, which he cares for and passes by at least four times a week. Or you happen to visit someplace new to you and old to him and in the midst of what you are feeling is a beautiful time together, he begins to recall memories and out of his mouth you hear, "She was a wonderful woman!" It hurts to share my husband with another woman. It seems like he has become a stranger to me at these times...the same man who holds me and tells me what a wonderful woman I am. I don't always feel on cloud 9 when I hear that. At times "I am the woman of his dreams". I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride and wish I could squeese the memories out of my husband's head. We live in "their house, their small community, surrounded by their relatives. Chances of moving are very slim. We talked about boundries in our marriage...what is acceptable to say and what needs to be left unsaid. I went thru a divorce and make a conscience effort to not mention the good times or the awesome dates I had while single. While a death is entirely different, when new vows are made "forsaking all others" that is what it means. No one wants to be a replacement wife or husband. Old pictures need to go to the kids or in a trunk, not in the same house as your new spouse.
I know with all my heart my husband truly loves me and with the execption of his memories, we do have a really good relationship. It hurts him when he hurts me. Sometimes he's one of those who speaks before he thinks. We are newly married and just have some things to work on.

I have been dating a widower for three years now, Actually he is my ex-husband whom left me after 10years. he later met this woman and they married after a short time. within their 2nd year she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away before their 5th anniversary. 6 mos after she passed we began seeing each other. He still has pictures of her through his house which does bother me that they are still there and pictures I had given him in nice frames are tucked away in a closet some place. That too is hurtful.. I don't know how to approach this without causing an issue. Our daughter thinks in time he will take them down, but it has been 4 years since her passing.. That's about how long they were married and I don't know if it's because his family and sometimes her family still come around that he feels he should leave them up?? To my knowledge he hasn't told them that he is seeing me or anyone for that matter, although I believe his family may suspect.. How do I handle this? Do I tell him I feel it's time he takes down the pictures? When I ask him about the pictures of us he just says "I'm not a picture kind of guy" I'm sure she put these pictures up all over the house knowing that she didn't have much time left, because most of them were of just her. He has put some of them away, but everytime i walk into his house there she is.... staring at me and it really makes me feel uncomfortable and second again...

Thanx for sharing your stories ,I mirrored in many and they helped in understanding my feelings more .I have been dating since some months with a widower. I feel we love each other .I often spend time by his house fullfilled of photos and things of his previous relation .I didn't expect or ask him to take the photos down.I was also a friend of his wife ,wich complicate my feelings even more when I look at them ,tough . Especially in the bedroom , photos are everywhere and many,I feel observed,unrespectful toward his previous beloved and toward me. Guilty in occupying the same bed where they spent 20 years happily ...He also still keeps his marriage ring in his hand,wich means something. Maybe he is not free in his deep yet for a new person.Even if he says the contrary.I feel like we are in three sometime when I hold his hand .I don't feel like I want to sleep there anymore. I told him but I felt bad.Not sure he really understood.Hope we can live in another apartment,in a future.An empty one ,to fill with our own things,a place where there is room for me.

I just helped a widower friend of mine re-do his bedroom to make it more "him." Actually, his therapist gave him that assignment - to redo his bedroom.

He never would have thought about it, since I find men aren't really that interested in decorating, but I told him that I would be more comfortable spending the night in a room that was more "him." (I didn't even mention her name, this was about him choosing colors and bedding that reflected his style)

He was overwhelmed at the stores in picking out colors and bedding, so we walked around and he pointed out what colors he liked and what he wanted his room to look like, then I did shopping for him.

I think he knew that I would not spend more time with him until he started making his home really "reflect him"

Pictures and other personal things of hers, like a rocking chair, were moved into another bedroom.

punkey thanx so much for posting these useful inputs ,I don't feel I can ask my lover to change his bedroom so directly I am afraid he would feel offenced .. but you made me think it is a chance .. since the suggestion in your case came from a therapist it should have sounded much more acceptable to him I think. My lover is not in a theraphy ..he don't feel that need.
Sometime I ask myself whether or not I am respectful toward him ,'her',myself..this forum is helping me in clearing up my mind..

I met a lovely and warm widow after a very cold 16 year marriage and fell head over heels in love with her. I have been seeing her for 9 months now and her dad (he is 88) told me that her deceased husband was a very hard act to follow the day we first met. I can expect that of someone of that age so I laughed it off. When I told my newly found love that I really loved her she told me herself that her dead husband was a hard act to follow. He has been dead now for 4 years. Do I really need a comment like that and am I wasting my time here?

Well, you are never going to replace him and the qualities that made others feel that he is a "hard act to follow."

So don't try - be something entirely different. Do different things.

Find out what she always wanted to do and then do that.

My wonderful husband of 25 years (who died 4 years ago) never danced. The fella I am seeing loves music and loves to dance. We are making new memories.

This new fella is not a reader like my husband was, but I can do that during the day when we are apart.

No competition; no comparisons.

Are you suggesting that we should keep our past boyfriends/girlfriends pictures around? I think you are ready for a new relashionship when you put these pictures from the past in the album. And take them out when you write the story of your life. I have been dating a wonderful widower for almost 2 years and his bedbroom looks like a shrine. He justifies them to himself that he keeps them there for his kids. I love him very much but resentment kicks in from time to time. Need help.
Dolce

Dolce I understand what you feel so well. I felt the same during the last 5 months since I am dating with a widower. After some time I realized I did't felt like I want to sleep in a house like that no more .I was feeling like an intruder.we spoke about that.I understood he didn't felt to take the photos down.I respected his feeling .But I expected he understood mine..Now we spend our time together in my new apartment only ,he helped me in choosing fornitures carpets,wall colours.and I feel like it is becoming ours..It was useful to me.It is important that you respect him but you should feel like you are respecting yourself too.an embrace.

I wonder if someone has something to tell me about this..the widower I am dating wish that I meet her wife family.he is still very tied to them they are his other family he says.They call and meet him very often..I was a friend of his wife but not so close to know her family.The idea of meeting them make me quiet unconfortable for thousand reasons ,guilt,worry to feel like an intruder in a family /relation that is still alive ,above all..I understand and respect he has a wonderful relation with them but I don't understand why I should take part of that.They want to meet me also .He say I am not very kind toward them and toward his wife..is there someone who understand the confusion I feel?thanx for your help.

I do understand your confusion and I think that we should not do anything what make us uncomfortable. I think protecting your own feelings has nothing to do with respecting his family and his wife. What about respecting your feelings of not being comfortable meeting them? I think dating a widower requires a lot strengh and the sad part is that, as nice as they are, they are not aware of what kind of challenge they are. I am in the middle of all of this and cannot stop wondering if I am up to this???? Being in love is wonderful but you have to use reasoning and estimate your strengh. Of course every one of us has different potentials, I am examing mine.....

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wise words Dolce.I will treasure them and try to have as much consideration for myself as I have for him .I couldn't imagine before what a challenge this love could have been.I am glad I've found you and this place ,feeling that someone else understand make me feel a little less burdened.An embrace .

i am a widow of 18 months, i lost my husband at 28 years old, i then went on the rebound and now am a single mum! it was way to early for me to have a realionship and i really hurt babys farther on the way, now he has no conact with his child(his choice) ive just started datindga new guy, his great!and trys his hardest although he seems to have a issiue with my wedding photo being on the landing, i dont have the picture there to remind me of my husband i have memorys for that, i have come so far now, moved from mine and my husbands home, cleared out all his stuff apart from a small box of wedding things, which is away and out of sight, stop contact with his friends and feel im back on my feet and ready to start again, but.... the photo thing gets in the way, i dont want to take it down as after all it is my home and i should be able to have what i like where i like it, its been moving slowly as it started above the fire place in my living room for all to see, is early days for me and new guy but if we ever live together i would remove the photo as i would be his home too and it only seems righ and fair, it would be a lovely idear that it could be replaced wih me and him instead. at the end of the day i think we are all learning, the widow/er the new love the family and even friends, its not right to be pushed in to removing items but at the same time a picture,clothing,or any other nic nacs wont change the fact life does go on! i think the main promlem for me is guilt, feeling that i am somehow disrespecting(poor spelling sorry) my late husband, guilt that i get to go on and hopfully find my happy ever afer! but at some time that will go until hen all we can do is talk to one another and understand each othes views.

I found a wonderful site and than a book about "picture" situation and dating a widow/er and I want to share with all of you. I have ordered the book and cannot wait to read it all. The book is called "Dating A Windower" by Abel Keogh. Edit [Moderator]: Link removed. The book is written by a widower, I should add a happy widower. Please read what he wrote about the "picture situation". I agree with him 100%. I am meeting my boyfriend next week. He leaves 250 miles away from me and we planned to move next year. He keeps the pictures of his wife in his bedroom for KIDS?! I do not buy this anymore. And here is my plan. I booked the hotel already. I am not staying in his house and he is not invited to the hotel either. No intimate relationship until all his pictures are out. If he needs counseling, I will support him. But no other lovers' pictures in his home, wife/girfriends. NONE. How would he feels if I had my past lovers' pictures in my house/office/Iphone screen??? There is no difference wife/lovers. You are either ready to embrace the future or stay with the Ghost. You cannot have both.

Here it goes from his webside:
The woman you’re dating should feel comfortable in your home. Period. It’s hard to fathom trying to spend time with someone only to have reminders everywhere that he there was another special person in your life that you loved enough to marry. Women already feel like they’re competing with a ghost without constant reminders of the late wife everywhere. Photos just reinforce that and make the woman worry about whether you can love her even more.

Once you become serious enough with a person that she’s coming over to your home on a somewhat regular, take down the photos and put them in a box. Just because there’s no photos of the late wife in your home doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped loving her. You can take them out of the box and look at them when she’s not around if you want. If you’re serious about starting a new chapter in your life, please show this new woman the same respect you showed your late wife. Keeping photos up makes her feel like some piece of meat that’s there to fill the hole in your heart or to take the place of the late wife. Try and treat this new woman the same way you’d like to be treated.

Also, don’t put the burden of taking the photo down on the woman you’re dating. Don’t tell her that you’ll take it down if she’s uncomfortable. The woman you’re dating doesn’t need to be dragged into this issue. Be a man and take it down yourself.

The only exception I make to the photo rule is if you have minor children living at home. Odds are your kids are having a hard enough time with you dating. The last thing they need is for you to strip every memory of their mom from their home. But maybe instead of 10 pictures of her in the living room, try 2 or 3 and let the kids hang the rest up in their room.

For Women Dating Widowers

Don’t run screaming out of his house the first time you go there and see a photo of the late wife on his wall. If he a new widower and/or you’re one of the first women he’s seriously dated, he may not think twice about the photograph bothering you. For him it may simply be the way his house has been for years.

What you want to look for is progress. After visiting his house several times are their sings that the photos slowly coming down? Does he go out of his way to make you feel comfortable in his home? Is he treating you with the love and respect you deserve or is he taking you for granted and insensitive to your feelings?

Please keep in mind that the house is not yours. If you go in and make demands about how things should change, the widower’s going to view you as a controlling hag and get out of the relationship as soon as he can. IMHO you can’t make requests about changing the house for her look to yours until you have a ring on your finger.

Also, will you please stop sleeping with widowers who still has photos of the dead wife in the bedroom? Do you enjoy feeling like a mistress? Because that’s how the widower’s treating you. Please have a modicum of respect for yourself and tell the widower you’re not getting in bed as long as there are photos of the dead wife looking down at you.

Finally, if you don’t see signs that the widower is moving on or willing to make you comfortable in his home, grow a backbone and end the relationship. There are other men out there who will be glad to treat you like a queen. Don’t settle for someone that wants you to be number two. And when you end it, don’t forget to tell the widower know why you’re ending it. If he loves you he’ll make the necessary changes in regards to the late wife’s photos.

Dating a widow or widower is much harder than dating a divorcee.