Dating a Widow

Death of her husband's widow is no need to follow the widowed and the like, and to find life is the essence of the second.

I have been seeing a widower who lost his wife 9 months ago. We are taking things VERY SLOWLY, and that would be my advice to you also. It doesn't matter if someone has been widowed 6 months or years, they can all be at different places in the grieving process. If she still has a picture of him on her nightstand, I'd say she still has a ways to go in the process.

I am a very recent widow, only 2 months. I understand your thoughts about putting photos away, etc but wonder I have a young child who needs to remember her father...should I be putting his photos all away in the house or just the bedroom? Any thoughts on the best way to deal in that regard? I, myself am nowhere near joining the dating scene again and really couldn't imagine going there until I've done a great deal more grieving.

And maybe I am biased on the topic but it seems different to have your spouse die as opposed to divorce or the other types of loss you stated. We never get to see our loved one again - ever. Yes it's all a form of loss and it all really sucks but the death of a spouse, especially when kids are involved, I don't know if one can ever let go. The pain NEVER leaves.

I commend all of you who are involved with a widow/widower. I can't imagine it's an easy relationship to be in.

May 14 will be one year since my husband died. I can't believe that one whole year has gone by. I was numb for 5 months, then "thawed" out and crashed, then the reality that he was not coming back kicked in (No, he's not on a golf trip), then the lonliness and missing the male around the home really bothered me. In Jan. I began to see another widower and we had this instanct bond, of course. He is a very nice man. Still, my heart is broken.

Now at a year, I don't want anyone around and am dealing with a lot of anxiety. I think it is because I remember how I felt this time last year - NUMB and this year I am FEELING. And it hurts.

wow! i'm so glad i found this site. Sharonp my situation is a lot like yours. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. His wife did almost 10 years ago and they were married for 17 years. She died after an extended illness. He still carries her picture in his wallet. He talks about her all the time. Well, less now. Maybe it's just where its just a sore subject that evey time he does, i feel like it's all i hear. I hear about how they used to mess around. How he used to sneak into her house when her parents where gone. yadda yadda yadda. He is 46 and i am 34. The same age she was when she passed. (weird huh?) He wants to get a tatoo with the date she passed on it. I feel like that will be a constant reminder of what he had with her. Which from the stories i hear weren't perfect. Is it selfish of me to want to be the love of his life? He is mine. I was married for 16 years. I know what it's like to lose that. Although mine was to divorce, when i married my ex, he was the man I was going to be with forever! and we do have 4 children. So, i completely get it. But i don't discuss my sex life with my ex with my current boyfriend. Why should I have to hear about his? He still calls her his wife. But I am his fiance. So where does that leave us? I love him with every ounce of my being but i can't continure to live in her shadow. I told him if he is going to continure to live in the past, we will never have a chance at a future. I feel horrible for feeling the way I do. I just want someone who loves me as much as I love them. I tell him I love him with all of my heart. This is totally the truth. He can't tell me the same. It hurts.

Did I read that right? His wife died 10 years ago? and he is still carrying on like that IN FRONT OF YOU, his new fiance??? Wow.

Did he ever go to grief counseling? He sounds like he has delayed grief. He needs to let her go.

Are you creating new memories with him? He is looking back to his past, when he was the most energetic and vibrant love was young. He is in love with the fantasy of the young love and her when she was young. (I totally understand this, my favorite pictures of my husband are when we first met. Fire and paper, as the song says)

Insist he go to counseling. He will never be truely be yours until he can let go of her.

Yeah you read it right. This November will be 10 years. To my knowledge, he never went to a grief counselor. I don't think he sees it as a problem. He still has a realtionship with his inlaws which I have no problem with. They treat me very good. His mother in law is even one of my friends on facebook. I guess all of the bad feelings are coming out again now because we were looking at his moms old photos last night and a majority of them were of their family. Made me ache for the life they had. he has lost all desire for the kind of life they had together. Not wanting to get a real job or go back to what he has done for over 20 years. He was on over the road truck driver and now just works as an independant contractor for an apartment complex. not very much money in that as it isn't steady work. He talks often about going back to driving but never takes the initiatvie to do it.
I recently found out that I am a diabetic and have had open heart surgery due to a heart defect. Lately I don't feel so well and I feel guilty because he worries and I know it's because he watched her die.
Last night he could tell it was bothering me but I wouldn't talk about what IT was. I think he knew. I just feel bad even bringing it up.
Is it wrong of me to want the kind of life they had?
on a side note, I took out all the pictures of her and him and their kids and I am planning on making a photo album for each of their children. I believe they need these memories. His kids are wonderful to me even though I am only 8 years older than his daughter. She gave me a framed photo of her 2 children for mother's day and told me happy mother's day. it touched me so much I almost cried.

tourismgirl,
You are an extremely selfish and unloving person. Don't bother dating widowers...not because they will hurt you, but because your self-serving attitude will only hurt THEM.

I am a widow, and it is no where near the same as losing someone to divorce, immigration issues, brain injury or mental illness. It doesn't even come close.

And to resent a widow or widower for visiting the cemetery?!?! Are you kidding me? That is just childish. You have a lot of growing up to do.

Your words are insensitive and hurtful. Get over yourself.

Is the "proper label" for the departed husband really necessary? I would suggest to simply call him what his name was.

Other than that, I do too suggest considering if she's ready to be dating again (if shee took away those pics out of her bedroom and put them back later) and if YOU are ready to be dating someone who will have lived through this. You may be the only man in her life, although you will have to deal with having to share her heart with someone else a little bit more than usually - and were you being tender matters a little bit more than usually.

Any chances of inviting her over to your place?

I'm glad I've found this site and this specific thread. Now I've read through the whole discussion but I see the advice here are mostly if not all on how to approach and deal with a relationship that people already have with a widow/widower.

I on the other hand need some advice on how to approach and maybe enter a possible relationship with a widow.

Last year October friends asked me to join their Bible study group. I went and at the small group of friends I met someone, not knowing what her situation was, I eventually learned that she lost her husband and was busy with counselling.

Now over the past year I've realised that I deeply care for this person, but knowing myself I have the habit of over analysing things, especially when it comes to relationships. Things such as: is it too soon? Should I say something? How should I approach her? Should I even attempt to approach her at this stage? And a few other things. Next month will be a year since her husband passed away. All I know is that I want to spend time with her and just hold her in my arms and comfort her.

Second obstacle, see brain is working overtime again, she sold her law firm that she and her husband ran together and is trying to sell her house and plans to move to the coast to start a new business/life. How should I approach this or should I just leave it as is and move on in life?

Just ASK her if she would consider having coffee with you - or just for a concert or something. Even get a group of people together and ask her along with "all of us"

You will soon know if she feels like having private male attention.

But don't rush it. As far as "comforting" her, she better needs someone to make her laugh. Keep things light.

Good luck.

PS. I like the Griefnet.com groups for discussions, etc. about dealling with the death of a loved ones.

John:

Just took a chance tonight to see if I might find a site that woule even approach this subject. Big surprise. Even more surprised at the exact subject matter of your questions. Looks like I am not the only one out there that may be dealing with this issue.

Did the on line dating thing, and, surprise, received a response from a widow of two years. I was so overpoweredd by her charm and beauty, that I thought I could ignore the obvious. It all came home the first time that I visited her home. It was a shrine to her deceased. It was scary. He was prior military, and it was like a museum. Photo's of him everywhere. and yes, in the bedroom as well.

We were out for a drive on the way to a nature walk, when the subject of her deceased came up and I must admit that I responded badly to his name being brought up. That very week, most of the pictures came down. In the bedroom as well. All of the military reminders were shipped of to the step kids. There are still selected photo's in variuous parts of the house and I make it a point not to make an issue of these remaining photo's, even though we became engaged after only four months.

The beautiful lady seems to, at regular intervals, crash and burn out when she gets too tired. The results of these crashes is that she attempts to end the new relationship. She still, on certain occasions, visits the grave site, as she says that she is comfortable there. Like it. NO. But I keep a sock in it so that I do not approach a sacred subject that may cause considerable damage to our new relationship.

I will admit that I am in totally new territory. Rules for dating a widow are totally different than dating a divorced woman. And I would much rather deal with an X than a deceased husband. It can be an emotional roller coaster at times, and it just comes out of nowhere. I have to be very careful of my responses, while lending support and listening when she wants to talk about her deceased. There are times when I think that I am really in over my head. But then I refocus on the woman that has turned my world upside down, in so many ways. She is worth it. I force myself to grow up, get over it, and cherish this lady that has allowed you to come in to her life. I will never use the word easy. His name comes up often in family gatherings. They had do kids together, but he did raise the two boys. It was a marriage of twenty two years. Sure wasn't a perfect marriage as she curses his behavior at times. But, it was still a marriage of twenty two years. Respect it.

It is not that I am just in new trritoty as she is as well. I pray that it will work out and become a very comfortable, yet exciting relationship. It is certainly exciting, but unpredictable at times. But it is new and fresh and filled with so many special moments. I am very fortunate.

Two years is a very short time - especially because widows/widowers spend the first year in "shock."

Patience . . .

She also may be self-sabotaging the relationship, just because she doesn't want to open herself up again to be with someone, and thus, vunerable.

Can you date others? This may take longer than you know.

This is the best article that I have read, it sums up just how I feel, I feel unconfortable in his home there are several photograhs of herand her and him and her fridge magnets, the worst thing is a picture which looks topless- it may have just been taken in a low cut dress but I find it a passion killer, I don't live there and never will but feel awkward meantioning the photos as aafter all it is his house and I feel like an intruder in a coupes house

I am dating a widower. His late wife was a friend of mine from church. Which is where I met both of them. She passed two years ago of Cancer. We have been dating for a year now. At first, I was comforting him for his loss and really trying to be a friend. Then some where during that time, he says he fell in love with me. I had gone through a divorce during that same year. I was suffering a loss as well. Waking up one day and my ex saying that he doesn't love me anymore after 7 years he was leaving. So he and I started dating. To others around us it was too soon and well now I find myself in a situation where we were out with several of their mutual friends for dinner. A topic comes up about when he used to have long hair etc. So he pulls out an old photo of him and his late wife sharing a kiss by the Christmas tree. What was I supposed to do? I went along with the photo smiling but I was upset and it was awkward. I am not sure how to handle this. He has photos of her all over his home. In his office a large painteds picture of her . At first, this did not bother me because I knew her and I knew that all of this would take time. However, now I feel as if I am walking in her shadow. Should I not be feeling like this? Should I say something or just keep quiet. I do not want to offend him or hurt his feelings. Please help...

How long have you been dating him?

ok I'm a widow of 12 years. The dead husband is a part of her past. She will probably always love him, just as she will always love her children. Hearts are able to love many - not just one person. Would you ask her to move a picture of her children from the bedroom? Maybe ask if you could move the deceased to the dresser, or the bathroom counter...but she's trying to create a future. Don't ask her to forget her past. It's not a sign, shouldn't be a concern. Ask about him. Ask if she's glad you've entered her life. Don't get hung up on it.

I found that moving into another bedroom and re-decorating helped me in establishing a new "me" spot. New bed, furniture, bedding and wall color.

This does help. Perhaps you could lovingly suggest creating a spot just for you two in another bedroom, if possible.

Create new memories . . . in the present . . . one day at a time.

I found the whole experience a complete rollercoaster ride, a constant push pull experience, the end result being massively hurt, but maybe that's my fault for not knowing when to call it a day sooner.

Having been a widow for some time I can assure you that getting over the death of a spouse is something that will NEVEppen. It doesnt mean that you cant move on though & be a happy loving devoted companion to someone else. Those who feel as though they are in competition with e late spouse must have insecurities of their own. I can assure you if you are trying to compete, you will lose every single time. You will NEVER be him. That doesnt mean you will never be good enough for her. YOU equate the two. She is simply put still loving the life they shared. It doesnt mean she is incapable of loving you too. What you have to understand is that it is not about you. She will never get over him, she will never just one day miraculiously forget about him and that...IS OK!
As far as his photos go...be secure in who you are & what you can provide to her as far as a relationship is concerned. Hes not watching you, hes dead. Her photos are her memories of the times they shared. Create new memoris with her...& one day you will start to see his photos will slowly be replaced by ones of you. It is a process...allow her to go throufh it at her pace. Just stop competeing & you will do just fine.