Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

Well if he is a real stinker, and not stressed* (for whatever reason), then you're right, not all my views makes sense. I have seen stress* corrupt some nifty people though.

I tried to create a gentle simple scenario where he might have the best chance to reintegrate himself, if there is enough normalcy left in him to do so.

*A good friend and wife seemed to have everything going for them and then poof, wife went off the deep, left her job, cut off her hair, slept around, stayed out all night, etc. She was bipolar and no one knew it. I guess it caught up with her somehow. Now she's on med's and all seems well.

*My wife went through some hard times. She was so bitter and argumentative and unhelpful and belligerent. Even now there are still echoes of it. It may have changed her permanently.

Chumly,

I understand what you are saying. My husband can be the sweetest man at times. It's just that he has this "it's all about him" attitude. If something goes wrong in life it's an attack on him or something.

I honestly do not feel he can help this. He can control it sometimes but the second he doesn't have money in his pocket, out the window goes all rationality. I have just gotten to the point of well, he's gonna blow up and I let him. He's not violent so that's not a problem. I know the medical bills and mortgage get to him. He's human. He's a man and at times he feels like he's not doing enough. But he is.

Once the property is closed there will be no money problems. I did ask him if he was going to have anything to complain about then. He said, "No." I say, "Uh, we'll see." But, I will remain hopeful.

As angry as I can get at my husband I can be just as surprised or proud of him. He's just so unpredictable.

Yesterday, the water lady came over to our house. She said, "My name, don't ever come to my house again and slam the door!" Yep, I slammed the door on the way out the other night. I just about apologized to her for it and she said, "Oh, and I'm calling the police on your husband for stealing water!" I'm like, say what? She said, he turned that water on! I said, well, he didn't turn it on until 8:30 ppm that night (I had paid the bill at 8:30 or so that morning). Well, she said, blah, blah, blah, they weren't home. I said, yes, I know. That's why Johnny turned it on. Well, she said she was still turning him in. I explained it again and she kept it up. I said I'm not arguing with you and went in the house.

Well, the sheriff just stopped by with the water people to talk to him about this situation. Not to arrest him or anything, just to talk. Thank God for small town police! Well, my husband told them. "I am the Chairman of the Water Board (which he is) and when the (their names) are not available to turn on water or whatever, it is my responsibility to take care of whatever the problem is." The sheriff turned and asked the water lady if this was true and she said, "Well, yes, but......" The sheriff said "Mr. His Name, you have a nice day and I'm sorry we bothered you!" Well, he sure is enjoying his day off now!

All's well that ends well...

Yeah, you've earned a long hot bath, on the water lady and the sheriff.

Why didn't the small town sheriff know that your husband was the chair of the Water Board? Why would they turn the water off on the chairperson? I am a bit confused on this one.

I can imagine. Ok, we live in this dinky, dinky town. The water company is owned by the people that turned off the water. My husband and the wife and one other woman was on the board. One lady quit. That left my husband and that other lady. Her family, the Garner's, founded the water company. My husband says there are between 75 and 100 customers that are serviced by this water company. He only goes to meetings maybe twice a year. That is all the meetings they have.

The sheriff is the parish sheriff. The water company is the township. So, the parish sheriff didn't know about my husband being on the water board. He was none too happy when he heard that. This is a jerkwater town. To get the dogs across the street to stop coming over here and eating my cats' food, I have had to call the North Town, East Town, and South Town police. And then I had to call the parish sheriff. The dog catcher here can only pick up animals that are within the city limits until the sheriff of the parish says they will pay to have others picked up.

Trust me, redneck around here is a compliment.

I imagine she turned it off for the same reason she wouldn't take the money when I brought it to her nor turn on the water. She was just acting natural. Her husband is a kind man but she is not kind at all.

I need to do some venting and this sure seems like the place for me to do it.

I swear, if I hear that "I have worked for Wal-Mart for the past six years and I'm the best employee in the whole company and why won't they listen to him because I have been right about everything all this time and blah, blah, blah, blah blah!" speech of his again I'm going to throw up!

This all started yesterday when he came home angry because he had his evaluation and this is the first time in six years that he was rated with "meets expected requirements" instead of "exceeds expected requirements."

I understand his pride is hurt about the difference in ratings. But, for me to sit there and listen for a couple of hours to everything I have heard over and over again time and time again is getting to be a bit much.

I just sat there and looked at him like I was intently listening and the whole time I wanted to tell him to shut the he!! up. I have a bad headache and asked him to go get me some headache powders at 8:15. He wanted to wait until the movie he was watching was over.

Well, I went and laid down and then about 10:30 he comes and asks me if I still need the headache powders. I'm like DUH! I didn't say that. I said yes. Then, he says, "Now, who else do you know that would go out in the middle of the night and get you some headache powders?" And ya just had to be there to hear his voice. What I heard was, "Oh, I am such a wonderful person because I am going out in the middle of the night and I'm doing it all for you!" I swear to you, I wanted to throw up!

I waited over two hours for him to go get me something for this headache. I can't drive with a headache. I've taken three of the headache powders and I'm finally starting to feel a bit better but I'm so ticked at him I can't stand it right now so I had to vent!

But, hey, silly me, thinking he actually cares that I'm not feeling well so he would want to do something about it like driving a half a mile away to the convenience store and ask for some B.C.s! Yeah, I can see how he would think no one else in this whole world but him would do that.

And feeling so disrespectful about my husband is killing me. I hate this! I hate it!

Why? Is he behaving in a respectful way to you? It sounds like you are reacting very appropriately. What happened to him might have disturbed him, but it certainly did not rate a two hour rant. What he is doing is making YOU the whipping boy. He taking all his anger and frustration that he feels about his job out on you.

Not fair. Not mature. Not very loving!

Hi Phoenix,

Thank you for that. I used to have such respect for him and it hurts that I don't have it anymore. No, right now, he doesn't seem to deserve much respect. I try to remember this is a personality disorder but I also know he is capable of acting completely different.

One more time in the middle of the night if I hear "I hate my life" from him because he couldn't sleep or a cat sneezed or.............. He's gonna be sleeping in the RV permanently and then he can tell me how much he hates that!

Thanx again, Phoenix.

MA- Sometimes a person needs to hear something from someone who doesn't have an ax to grind in a situation. When a person is so emotionally entangled, it is often difficult to see the issue clearly. I am glad to have been helpful!

Phoenix,

No matter what has happened, I still respect you. I still feel you are the same person I have always felt you were. You have always helped me to see things more clearly and I am extremely grateful for that.

MA, you have my sympathy; your husband is very selfish (I like that better than narcissistic, because I know narcissistic people--those who focus everything on themselves--who show great concern for others, perhaps as a way of focusing a good light on themselves. But I also have sympathy for him because he seems to get no respect or recognition from his work (Walmart, wow! I'll bet even its supervisors are sadists, to compensate for their own lack of recognition in society).
If I were you, I would calmly, maybe even with feigned humor, point out to him that he is often (not always) very self-centered, and perhaps (if I'm not too naive) when he does like he did in the headache episode, he'll be aware of what he's doing--even if it's with a little prompting from you. What I dislike is egotists who pretend to be virtuous in their "altruism". I even like to acknowledge the self-serving reasons I do helpful things for others.
BTW, it's surely not lost on us that if your husband had gone for the aspirins when you reported your suffering, he would not have to go out in the middle of the night for them. Gasp.

The lady Diane doesn't appear to have a problem living me with ME.

Hey JLN! Nice to see you as always.

I wish I could pinpoint the one thing that makes me the angriest about this situation. I think I know what it is, but I'm not sure. So, let me bounce it off you if I may?

When I met my husband he was a singer/musician that performed pretty much six or seven days a week. Our attraction to each other was immediate. And believe me, I have never ever planned on being involved with a musician! No offense, but that artistic temperment sucks!

Anyway, our worlds revolved around each other for two and a half years. It was a relationship fairytales are made of. I will always be so blessed to have had that.

The problem seems to be that once we moved to this town we are in now so he could be closer to his father and he quit playing music and went to work at Wal-Mart, it has done a complete opposite turn!

He has all these awards from Wal-Mart. He has all these good job pins (they trade them in for stock). He has 25 of them! There are guys that have worked there for 20 years and have none! But, he fails to see that as recognition.

I do my best to focus on the positive and I try to point the positive things out to him. I am just losing my energy for it.

The other night he came out of the bedroom and said, "I just wish one day would go by that I didn't have to get mad at something." I'm like, you are the only person in control of that. He say, "No, I'm not. It's everyone and everything else that makes me mad." I'm pulling my hair out here!

I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss the respect I had for him. I don't know how to get it back. I don't know if I can get it back. The only thing I do know is I WANT to get it back.

Dys,

I'm not sure how to take that comment.

yeah, probably true.

Isn't that kind of kicking someone when they are down, dys? Do you think it's easy for me to say some of these things? Don't you think I realize that I have my responsibility in all of this too?

I said I was VENTING.

Thanx anyway.

MA, I don't want to apologize for your husband. No matter how bad his circumstances are (from his perspective), he is responsible for his self-destroying anger and his disregard for your legitimate feelings. But now that you tell me he's a musician, I have the feeling that the man desperately needs to work at what is meaningful to him. Walmart is making a living, but it's no life, especially for one who has talent and expressive needs. It's my guess that if you guys do not leave that situation, you will either be a widow or a divorcee.

JLN,

I agree 100%. Music was his life. This past six years have been so hard on him. Up until two years ago I felt very empathetic with his position about not playing music. Well, a nightclub called and wanted to talk to him about playing one night a weekend each month. That's four nights a month compared to not at all, which would give him exposure, etc.

Well, I told him they wanted HIM to call and talk to them about it. They didn't want to talk to me. I'm just the wife, ya know? That was fine with me. But what does he say? "I'm not calling them. I'm not going to go play in some damned bar for a bunch of drunks!"

I told him that day, "don't you ever blame me in any way for you not playing music. You were just given the chance to at least start your career up again and you turned it down. YOU not me!" So, I am sorry but I don't have a lot of sympathy for that particular issue at this point and I probably need to re-evaluate that.

He went and practiced some last night and he seems a bit less tense today. Maybe he will loosen up and start playing again. Once we close on this property we will be in a position to where he probably could make a living playing music again. I'd love it! I want him happy. I just can't make him happy.

He has plenty of talent. I love to hear him sing and he's so happy whe he does. I just don't understand his not taking what he can get until he can get better (music jobs). But, I'm just the wife, ya know? :wink: