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Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

 
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Tue 20 Sep, 2005 11:19 am
Holding for now! All these new perspectives are such a help. Thank you so much.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 11:00 am
Okay, today is a particularly bad day. I am just so incensed and amazed at this I can't believe it.

This is the situation. We have a Category 4 Hurricane coming this way and we are right in the path of it's destruction. I don't feel and it doesn't seem to be the concensus of any that we need to evacuate. However, we do need to stock up on food, water, cat food for the cats at the shelter, etc. Well, we have been in financial straits and are behind on our mortgage. But, we have been paying what we can every two weeks to at least try to catch up. Well, on his last payday, he told the bank manager he would give him $500.00 every two weeks until we are caught up. That leaves us with less than $1,000.00 to pay bills, car insurance, buy food, gas for vehicles, etc. I have virtually had to shut down my cat shelter because we could not afford to keep taking in cats. I hated to do it, but I felt it was the right thing to do. However, I do still have 26 cats here that have to be taken care of. It's okay for me to give up anything and everything for the good of the marriage but he can't even stop blaming me because he sold one of his collector car's a year ago to help pay the bills.

Now, I asked him if it would probably be a good idea to go to the store and prepare for this storm and isn't that more important right now than making this $500.00 payment tomorrow. His response, "I am paying the bank manager. I gave him my word."

Am I nuts here or am I just in shock? We might not even have much of a home left if we really do get hit hard. Heck, I can't even swim and he's worried about keeping his word? Am I making too much of this? Please, help me. I don't know what to do or think right now. I really don't.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 03:16 pm
Momma Angel--

Questions: Did you make arrangements for your cat shelter knowing that you were behind on mortgage payments? If so, I think perhaps your compassion trumped your common sense. Did you discuss the cat shelter and the cost of the cat shelter with your husband before moving ahead? Or did you just go ahead without discussing the matter because you didn't want to fight about it?

Question: You've mentioned that your husband will not admit to making mistakes. Is it possible that instead of your husband telling the Bank Officer he'd be handing over $500 installments until the arrears were paid that the Bank Officer told your husband he'd be making $500 payments every other week--Or ELSE?

You wrote:

Quote:
It's okay for me to give up anything and everything for the good of the marriage but he can't even stop blaming me because he sold one of his collector car's a year ago to help pay the bills.


You've indicated that you and your husband have a lot of trouble communicating. If your financial problems are chronic--and they seem to be--you've got to start talking about money matters and work out a spending plan together.

Meanwhile, Rita is on her way. If one of the outstanding bills is your Homeowner's Insurance, pay that immediately and take the payment right to the post office.

Who pays the bills, you or your husband? Does he know what your standard monthly expenses are? If household finance is your department, make out a list.

Keep in mind that the Bank Officer may not have given him a choice.

I'd plan on two weeks of very short rations for you and the cats. Make it clear to your husband that you don't hold him responsible for gas prices or the cost of insurance or the utility bills and the grocery budget is the only place that money can be pared.

Right now you have a back log of resentment about having been the self-sacrificing member of the family and I think this may be influencing your judgement.

Game Plan:

Survive Rita.

Survive two weeks of oatmeal and other cheap, nutritious meals.

Make out a list of household and charitable expenses.

Sit down and have a rational talk about finances. If necessary co-opt a objective party: your minister, the Bank Officer, a family member you both trust to referee.

Prepare another two weeks of oatmeal and other cheap, nutritious meals.


Even if your husband was the one to set terms with the bank, he's right that the bank is not going to take kindly to changing those terms before one $500 payment is made.

Good luck. Remember, Rita is just blowing through, but your financial instability has to be corrected.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 04:05 pm
Noddy24,

LOL. Very good questions.

I have been shutting my cat shelter down for well over a year. I have only taken in cats on an emergency basis and only with the okay of my husband. We both discussed the cat shelter extensively before we ever took it on. At first, he helped me with it. But, he stopped after having to go to a dumpster for two weeks everyday to try to catch some kittens. Since then, it's been totally my responsibility. And we were not paying 100% for the shelter. I was getting donations also. And for the past six months, I have only bought cat food or paid any vet bills with money received as donations to the shelter. So, in all actuality, the cat shelter has not really been a financial problem for well over a year. My husband will agree to that.

I got in touch with the bank manager and explained our situation to him. He told me to tell my husband to come in and talk to him because he wanted to see what he could do to help. This was after my husband had been making the $500.00 bi-weekly payments for awhile and we were getting further and further behind with everything else. So, no, the Bank Manager did not tell my husband pay $500.00 or else. What happened was, my husband did not go in and talk to the bank manager. He told me the reason for doing this was because he was embarrassed and wasn't going to go back on his word.

My husband knows exactly what our bills are. We have sat down numerous times to discuss them, to trim the fat, to do what we could do to cut the bills down where necessary.

Spending plan? We have one. He spends what he wants when he wants. He goes where he wants when he wants. He spent $1,000.00 just a couple of months ago to go on a trip that we both agreed we could not afford because he did not want to be embarrassed by telling his nephew we could not go.

Homeowner's Insurance? LOL. We haven't been able to pay that for months now.

A backlog of resentment? Not exactly. Angry at individual situations, yes. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die. The reason I started this thread was because I have done everything I can think of to do. Nothing has worked. I needed fresh ideas. Now, I still believe there is something I can do and I am willing to do what I have to do.

And there is one thing you do not understand about a Narcisstic Personality. Rational is not the same to them as it is to others. Rational to them is he is right and everyone else is wrong. Not just me, everyone.

Oh, we've tried the family member thing. Well, sort of. I do not take our problems to anyone in the family. I feel that is disrespectful to my husband. However, he has no problem doing it so the only problems they even know about are the ones he has with me. And, I see no reason to try to set them straight. My father in law is dying from prostrate cancer right now and any added pain for him is totally out of the question.

Oh, and how does my husband feel about my father in law being terminal. His words, "Well, he's lived a long life. It happens."

And it's not just one $500.00 payment that has been made. He has done it for a couple of months now. And, the Bank Manager has been a gem about all of this and was willing to help us. But, I do not expect him to call my husband up and beg my husband to let them help.

Our financial instability could be corrected for sure. We have all kinds of material possessions that could be sold. We have a fleet of vehicles, four houses, and lots of land. But, like I said. He sold a car over a year ago to help pay some bills that came up and he still complains about it. He will not agree to selling any other of the vehicles. It's a matter of pride with him. And he will tell you that to your face and have no problem with it.

If it were a matter of resentment, I would be gone. It's a matter of he is my husband. He has a problem. I will not leave him as long as our finances are in this position, if I ever would leave him. It's just that I was very hurt that I seem to mean so little to him that my safety is not even a concern. It just hurts and I needed to get it out.
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 05:07 pm
MA--

I'm a bit rushed right now in the Real World, but I'll be back.

Hold your dominion.
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 05:25 pm
Thanx Noddy! Holding.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 09:27 pm
Speaking to your question, "Does he love me?"

Do you have a dog?

Does Mr. Angel profess to "love" the dog?

How does he show this love?
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 09:34 pm
Well, that all depends. No dogs. Cats. If the cats are being good he likes them. If a cat claws him even accidentally, he screams and hollers.

I mean when he gets clawed by a cat you would swear that he was stabbed by a knife.

How does he show his love? To me or the cats? If I am down with a migraine, he doesn't even feed the cats, he doesn't feed me either.

He feels that he works everyday to bring home a paycheck proves his love. Those are his words, not mine.
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 09:53 pm
MA--

Ah. Who gets to spend the paycheck?

Mr. Angel loves "good" cats and docile women. Are you a "good" cat? A docile woman?"

Is Texas a Community Property state? In a Community Property State you'd get half the family assets in a divorce.

I'm not a doctor. I'm not a theologian. All the same, I will bet you dollars to dog biscuits that a divorce might cure your migraines.

What sort of behavior do you think cancels marriage vows? You may have to look at this question up close and personal.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 10:06 pm
Noddy24 wrote:
MA--

Ah. Who gets to spend the paycheck?

Mr. Angel loves "good" cats and docile women. Are you a "good" cat? A docile woman?"

Is Texas a Community Property state? In a Community Property State you'd get half the family assets in a divorce.

I'm not a doctor. I'm not a theologian. All the same, I will bet you dollars to dog biscuits that a divorce might cure your migraines.

What sort of behavior do you think cancels marriage vows? You may have to look at this question up close and personal.

Spend the paycheck. Mostly him. He gives me what he doesn't spend for the bills.

A good cat? A docile woman? Good question. I guess it depends upon who you are asking.

A divorce cure my migraines? Ah, if that were the case my decision might be easier. But, I have had these migraines since I was sixteen. But yes, stress is the worse thing for them.

What kind of behavior cancels marriage vows? Wow, that's a tough one. Definitely adultery, but that is not the case here. Physical violence, yes. Still not the case.

But, after tonight, I'm pretty numb. We talked and he still is of the opinion that it's more important to pay the bank manager than it is to worry about me, the cats, or anything. He was more concerned about not having eaten lunch for the past two days then anything else. I am pretty numb to it all right now. I don't know what I feel. I don't know if I want to know what I feel.

I am going to go sleep on the couch and try to rest and hopefully tomorrow I will know more about how I am feeling about the situation.

My main concern right now is getting through the hurricane. It is supposed to now be a Category 3 when it hits where I am. I am in the top northern part of Louisiana and it's supposed to be a Category 3 hurricane? Amazing. It's almost too much to comprehend.

You don't know how much I appreciate your questions. They are making me take an honest look at the situation. Thank you so much.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 10:10 pm
And I am worried about you with the hurricane. Wish you'd leave, but I guess the cats would be a stopper. Whatever you decide on either matter, good luck, momma.
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2005 10:13 pm
Thanx Osso. Yes, the cats are a concern. I can't leave them. If none of them were feral, I wouldn't worry. But some are and they need me. I am trusting God will keep us safe.

If it gets that bad, I will leave. I will take the ones with me that I can.
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flushd
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 03:54 am
Wow Momma; this is a lot for one woman to go through!

For now I can only send my regards, and I'm really hoping that you and your loved ones will get through this hurricaine safe and sound.
I don't know how much I can help you out here; but I wanted to send my love.

Take care of yourself Momma, and keep us up to date. You got a lot of folks cheering you on.
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 05:21 am
Flushd,

Thank you for your kind words. The weather is getting weirder by the moment. Highs to be 100 today. No high winds or a lot of rain as of yet. The cats are starting to act a bit strange though. I guess they know the stom is coming.

So far, so good.
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snood
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 05:33 am
Momma, my heart goes out to you - for the issue you started this thread about (I think there are a few inflicted with the same disorder on A2K Smile ), and for being in the storm path.
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Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 05:36 am
Hi Snood!

Thanx. The support I am getting is absolutely overwhelming and such a blessing. There are all kinds of storms in ours paths, aren't there? I am trusting God and doing what I can to prepare.

Thanx.ff
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 01:49 pm
Momma Angel--

Sometimes I find it difficult to distinguish between Women of Forgiving Natures and Women Who Beat Dead Horses.

You seem to have the capacity to be appalled and disillusioned by Mr. A's behavior two or three times a week.

He's not going to change.

Now, what are you going to do? Stay with him and be miserable? Stay with him and learn not to be appalled and disillusioned? Leave him?
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 02:00 pm
Noddy24 wrote:
Momma Angel--

Sometimes I find it difficult to distinguish between Women of Forgiving Natures and Women Who Beat Dead Horses.

You seem to have the capacity to be appalled and disillusioned by Mr. A's behavior two or three times a week.

He's not going to change.

Now, what are you going to do? Stay with him and be miserable? Stay with him and learn not to be appalled and disillusioned? Leave him?


LMBO! I am dying here! LOL. You are so very right. I couldn't see the forest for the trees could I?

And as far as Mr. A goes, we came to an understanding and I am so happy about it. He is being civil to everyone and still getting his point across. I really see now how it is possible to not just love him as a human, but can also like him too!

If I stay, I refuse to be miserable. Learn not to be appalled and disillusioned? Perhaps. Leave? I haven't made that decision as of yet. I will not leave him until the financial end is straightened out. I helped create that so I will not just leave it to him.

It's amazing how someone's objective observations can totally change a picture. I cannot thank you enough, Noddy. My deepest and most sincerest thanx!

I am still LMBO!
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 02:50 pm
Mamma Angel--

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad I could help.
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flushd
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2005 03:36 pm
Noddy said:
>>Sometimes I find it difficult to distinguish between Women of Forgiving Natures and Women Who Beat Dead Horses.<<

Me too, Noddy!!!

One part of me says "Wow, mama sure has an amazing capacity for forgiveness and tolerance. I admire that. She gives and gives and it sounds like she doesn't ask for anything in return. What a kind woman which I would like to know."

The other part of me (the part that usually wins out in the struggle of my personality) says " Mamma deserves someone who can give to her the way she gives, who can treat her right! There is no point torturing yourself for someone who doesn't recipricate. Work out the details and leave him. Give to yourself the way that you give to others. What will life be like for Mama a few years down the road if she stays with him? What will happen if mama gets sick?!""

MamaAngel....I hope everything works out well for you.
What a tough situation to deal with.

I just want to say one thing, since you have made up your mind to stick it out with your hubby:

Please, please, take care of yourself.
Take time out for you as much as possible; refuel.
You deserve as much attention, love, and support as you give away! Exclamation
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