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Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

 
 
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Aug, 2009 03:02 pm
But it's up to her and here we are, years after starting this thread. Obviously, she's in it to stay.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Aug, 2009 05:27 pm
Whoa! Did I say he was making me mentally and physically sick? If I did, please point that out to me so I can make sure I clear that up.

He can be an SOB, yes. But, I am not perfect either! Am I easier to live with then he is? Definitely! But, I think it was said that we "have learned to dance well together" and I think that is a pretty good way of putting it.

Now, me getting ticked about the headache thing most men would finally figure out they were a jerk about it and say I am sorry for being an insensitive jerk. Well, Johnny does apologize but not in words. Today, he spent the day bush hogging our property so I have plenty of trails to ride my horse on. So, I know he finally woke up somewhat. Will this happen with him again? Oh most definitely it will. Do I like it? Heck no I do not!

But, he is my husband. I love him. We made a commitment and we are going to follow through. If I shouldn't be using this forum to kind of vent this stuff then I offer my sincerest apologies and will not do it anymore.

It has helped me greatly reading what everyone has to say. It helps knowing I'm not the only person in the world that goes through this.
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Sep, 2009 02:41 pm
@Arella Mae,
Arella Mae wrote:

Whoa! Did I say he was making me mentally and physically sick? If I did, please point that out to me so I can make sure I clear that up.

He can be an SOB, yes. But, I am not perfect either! Am I easier to live with then he is? Definitely! But, I think it was said that we "have learned to dance well together" and I think that is a pretty good way of putting it.

Now, me getting ticked about the headache thing most men would finally figure out they were a jerk about it and say I am sorry for being an insensitive jerk. Well, Johnny does apologize but not in words. Today, he spent the day bush hogging our property so I have plenty of trails to ride my horse on. So, I know he finally woke up somewhat. Will this happen with him again? Oh most definitely it will. Do I like it? Heck no I do not!

But, he is my husband. I love him. We made a commitment and we are going to follow through. If I shouldn't be using this forum to kind of vent this stuff then I offer my sincerest apologies and will not do it anymore.

It has helped me greatly reading what everyone has to say. It helps knowing I'm not the only person in the world that goes through this.



It is a strong idendependent woman who can see above the faults and love anyway. I admire you Arella Mae, it is not easy to deal with one like him, but you do it with grace and respect. Your husband is truly lucky to have you.
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Sep, 2009 12:25 pm
@mm25075,
Um, that is a very kind thing to say but trust me, I don't always handle it with grace and respect. Many times you can catch me growling while he's not looking. If I can get to the point to where I always react with grace and respect I'll maybe feel like I deserve that compliment.
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 11:56 am
@Arella Mae,
Nonsense woman. You are entitled to feel how you want and even show it at times. Don't feed into the things your hubby says when he is having one of his fits. The fact that you stand your ground and focus on keeping things in perspective earn you the compliment. The best response in this case is "Thanks mm" Very Happy
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 12:46 pm
@mm25075,
mm25075 wrote:
It is a strong idendependent woman who can see above the faults and love anyway. I admire you Arella Mae, it is not easy to deal with one like him, but you do it with grace and respect. Your husband is truly lucky to have you.


Uuhm... I don't think so. She has to ask him for money to buy aspirin - where
do you see strength and independence here? Clearly, she loves him and takes
the abuse, because she doesn't know any better. A good balanced loving relationship is something else and anyone who settles for less is in a pitiful state. Material things don't compensate, at least they should not!
I agree, her husband is lucky to have her!
dyslexia
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 12:59 pm
it's not easy living with a narcissistic personality, I've lived with myself for 65 years and it's not gotten any easier.
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 01:46 pm
@CalamityJane,
Strength to see that she is not the one who is the biggest problem here. Idependence to do things for herself despite his putting road blocks in her way. She is enabling him in someways and she knows that but choses to stay with him, that is her way of loving. It's not balanced and she could be so much more if only she had the helpful support of close friends to show her she doesn't have to put up with it.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 02:36 pm
Okay, wait, I didn't mean to make it sound like he doesn't give me money or anything. He does. I had run out and had to ask him for some.

Yeah, I know I enable him in a lot of areas and I am really working on that. Each time I get a little stronger in a situation it gives me a bit more courage to be even stronger next time. When I am working I don't have to ask him for much of anything and rarely do. I like that bit of control and independence so I am working really hard to find a job, but I'm sure everyone knows it's tough out there right now but I won't give up.

Calamity, when I read the word abuse that kind of was like a slap in the face. A slap into reality. Yeah, it is a form of abuse, I cannot say it's not. But since I am not going to break my commitment and neither is he I have to learn ways to cope with things and make it less abusive. The hard part of that is once it's over, it's like he doesn't even know he did it. Totally throws you for a loop.

Any of us would know that we were being a selfish jerk if we had done that, right? But he doesn't. I'm not sure if the making trails with the bush hog was because he knew he messed up or because I wasn't talking to him. Either way, I did get some awesome trails to ride on. Laughing
JLNobody
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 05:00 pm
@dyslexia,
Oh, Dys. SUCH insight!
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CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 07:32 pm
@Arella Mae,
Arella, let me ask you this: what would happen if you stood up to him and
did as he did - leave on a car ride for several days? What would happen if
you put a mirror in his face and treated him in the exact manner as he treats
you? What would he do?

Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2009 08:28 pm
@CalamityJane,
I can go on trips if I choose to. I've done it before. He has no problem with it. One thing I know is we both trust each other explicitly when it comes to cheating. We will not do that to each other.

In the past, I have stood up to him and got really ticked at something he might have done so inconsiderately and he'd react in the normal manner of I'm sorry, etc. But other times? Geesh! Last year I took a fall off a horse and messed my arm up pretty bad. I was working in Monroe at the time and didn't get home until after dark. Well, I had to feed the horses and I had no light out there to see by and I stepped in a hole. I hurt my arm and was crying like crazy when he got home. I let him have it. I said you have everything you need cars, motorcycles, a Viper and a big garage (up the road a bit because God forbid a cat got near the Viper) for it and I can't get a stupid light in the yard! Well, he didn't take that too well at all. Took him three days to get over that little trantrum.

And yes, I finally have a light in the yard.

A couple of months ago he had to go to the ER. He had a terribly abscessed tooth over the weekend. I had a plan for this! I was going to treat him just as coldly as he did me every time he took me to the emergency room and either waited in the truck or waited with me and was all ticked off and only got me upset. But, I couldn't do it. I'm not like that. He was in a great deal of pain. His face was horribly swollen. So, I was the loving and supporting wife. I really tried not to be but I just could not do it.
0 Replies
 
detail
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Jul, 2010 07:16 am
@JWH,
You now have the opportunity to live again. I have recently seperated from my
spouse after 16 years. He replaced me with an old girlfriend and is doing everything possible to control me through our children. You must stay focus
on positive things become self actualized. The great options which are in front
of you are many.
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Jul, 2010 03:13 pm
@detail,
I am sorry things did not work out for you and that he is using the children like that. It's hard always feeling like you are between a rock and a hard place. I pray that you find peace and joy in life.
0 Replies
 
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Sep, 2010 07:39 pm
Johnny is really changing right before my eyes. For the better! I have been offered fulltime employment where I work. I got the job through Manpower. The thing is I won't be working as a secretary anymore. I will be a Customer Service Sales Rep and even have my own office.

When I told Johnny he was wonderful. Said I could handle the job, I was very professional, I am intelligent, etc. I thought I was going to OD on compliments.

He has really been working on recognizing how others feel and helping to encourage them.

And he is taking riding lessons so he can share my passion for horseback riding!
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Fido
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Sep, 2010 11:02 pm
@Arella Mae,
Arella Mae wrote:

Letty,

Check out this link. This IS my husband to a T.

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

The fact that I KNOW it is a personality disorder is the only thing that has kept me here as long as I have been. He hid all this very well from me when we were dating. We dated for over two years before we married. But, slowly it all came out. The hardest part of it all for me, is he does not show this side to anyone else. He is so good at hiding it from others. That's the part that makes me feel like I am going crazy.

Another example: I suffer from severe migraine headaches and have to go to the ER quite often for help. I had to stop having him take me or come in the room with me because the whole time he sits there and complains about how tired he is from working and he hasn't had dinner yet, etc.

I do not doubt that your husband has some mental illness or he would not suffer so much avarice... I doubt that it is entirely a personality disorder because he would not be able to keep it hiden, as he must in order to be successful, and as you say he did... Let me see if I can phrase it another way...It might be quite normal for him to complain that he cannot afford a coke, and for your trying to put it in the larger perspective of Katrina to be seen as missing the point... You do not validate his feelings, which are, after all, just feelings that he is clearly able to express in some fashion...It could be that his whole life is compensation for ego weakness, but from my perspective as the father of a child with a personality disorder, it is more common for them to be the victims of their emotions, either unable to admit them, or unable to control them, or to have emotions totally inappropriate to the situation with behavior to match... I am certain I have some of it too...My emotions often get the best of me, but I prefer that to all the many who seem to feel nothing, who are so rational as to seem infuman..

All I can tell you is: if you don't like him, **** can him, and then he will have something worse than no coke to complain of and no one to complain to...
0 Replies
 
Fido
 
  1  
Reply Thu 30 Sep, 2010 11:06 pm
@Arella Mae,
Arella Mae wrote:

Noddy24 Wrote:

Quote:
I've got one of those around the house. In his case, his self-centered behavior is a part of MID, a form of dementia.

A Good Woman can get very tired of Constantly Admiring Her Man.

How old is your husband? Can he comprehend that his behavior makes you unhappy? Does he care? Would he agree to to to counseling?


He's 52. If he comprehends it, I have no clue about that. Does he care? Sure doesn't seem like it at all. Counseling? No way. He doesn't think he has a problem. He said he is the way he is and he's not going to change.

He is brittle... Leave his ass... If that does not plumb him up you can get half of something rather than half of nothing, as a miserable life is...
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Oct, 2010 10:08 am
@Fido,
He has changed quite a bit Fido. My intent never was and never will be to leave him. I love him. Also, I knew what he was like when I married him so I have no right to complain.

I started this thread way back then because it really helped me get perspective and so many posters have offered great advice that has helped me.

I don't know if he actually has a personality disorder because he's not been diagnosed by a doctor, or if it is as you say. My point was only to let others know how much better things are!
eoe
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Oct, 2010 10:38 am
@Arella Mae,
That's great news Arella. You bring hope to the rest of us.

In the last few years my stepson has been very successful in his career. He's earned major promotions and making six figures now. He's relocated to another city (I sure did need the break) but was in town a few weeks ago. And he's more obnoxious than ever. He's at a painful point where he cannot carry on a simple conversation with anyone unless he's the center of it. He's just not interested in talking about anything other than himself. We were out with some of his friends and it was obvious that even they are sick of him. It's so sad. He's a smart, warm and generous man and I fear how painful his comeuppance might be. You know how fragile these people are. It's not arrogance. Quite the opposite. It's a lack of self-esteem and the need to talk oneself up out of fear of being exposed. The more they talk, the deeper their fear. It's understandable tho'. It's a bitch telling everyone you're Mr. Wonderful and then having to live up to it.
Arella Mae
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Oct, 2010 11:55 am
@eoe,
I agree wholeheartedly. It is not arrogance. To those that don't understand the person it surely can seem so. I am so proud of Johnny. He sits and talks to me and he is making it easier for me to be honest with him about his attitude. I can see changes and just the fact that he is trying means the world to me.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers. There was a time I thought he'd never change but I was wrong!
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