Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

I told Johnny today, “I give up. Do whatever you want to do. I have no more fight left in me.” There is no talking to or reasoning with him. I am no longer in denial.

We are struggling to make ends meet yet he won’t give up the insurance on one single of the six vehicles he carries insurance on, even until we can get on our feet. He won’t sell the music equipment that has been gathering dust in the spare room for the last eight years. He will drive his Viper while I struggle to find change to help buy a bag of cat food. This month he will spend $236 for insurance.

I have been working customer service from home part time. I’m not well enough to work outside the house. I am going to be taking another part time job. He wants to retire in about six months. He will retire whether I am working fulltime or not and we will have half of what he makes now to survive on. He says I will have to give up more horses. I only have Justice, JJ, and Lulu. I’ve given up three of my dogs.

I no longer buy brand cigarettes. I buy tobacco, cigarette sleeves and roll my own, which saves about $50 a month.

He gets angry if you suggest he might be doing something wrong or maybe there is a better way. You can’t talk to him. He says he knows he is impossible. I asked if that ever prompted him to change and he said so matter of factly….no.

He got angry today when he thought the bank messed up our bank account. He messed it up by writing $200 in checks and not telling me and I had the money already spent on groceries and my blood pressure medicine. After I told him it was him, he did apologize but it didn’t seem to be that big of a deal to him.

I told him I need blood pressure meds and that is what that was for. He said he will get them Thursday. Thursday? I can’t do without my meds that long!

I spend nearly seven weeks in the hospital because I have no insurance (yes, he has insurance on him through work) and he tells me he has a guitar a friend wants to buy for enough money to get us through a good 3-5 years. He said he will die before he sells that guitar.

I have no one to talk to. I have allowed him to isolate me from anyone especially when it comes to talking. He’d have a fit just to know I wrote this because it would make him look bad.

He said, “Don’t I deserve to retire after working all my life?” Of course he does but he can’t understand it would be pretty much the end for our surviving.

I am tired and worn out. I have a choice. Let him retire and hope for the best or he continues working and resents me for the rest of his life.

I’m just done.

I haven't read your post yet, Arella.

You can talk to us. You might not like it, but you know that. But.. we say what we think and you talk back.

Me, I think I had a poor take of him in the first place, but that is a faint memory.
On the other hand, you stuck with him..

Well, back after I have read more, tomorrow.

I am very sorry you married a narcissist. I should at least complement your strong determination and patience for staying this long with him. If I were in your position, I'd have divorced and fled, never looking back. I prefer divorce over constantly being boxed in by a narcissist's psychological game. Your husband seems to start looking down on everything and everyone besides himself and clearly has lost any and all connection with humanity, lacking the capacity for empathy and for genuine love.
Sadly since you can't change him, you have to be the change. Either whittle your self esteem to nonexistence to become a humble slave, or just get out of it and become a working woman, finding a job that pays well. Any interesting talents or skills with potential to create a business opportunity? The transition will be difficult at first, but it'll get better.

RST, I'll address you on this as you seem sharp -

Some of us used to argue with Arella night and day, some years ago, when she posted on another name, and even after that.
She has worked hard. There's history.
I don't meant to be all know it all, but giving you background.

I feel that if I hadn't of broken my wrist and gotten the staph infection and almost bled to death and hadn't of gotten sick I'd still be able to handle all of this. I am fighting so hard to get back to what I was and I'm not good at dealing with my own shortcomings. I'm pretty sure that's been obvious over the years. We weren't supposed to get to this point. We were supposed to be different from the other relationships he had. I believed that! I haven't talked about this for so long and there are so many feelings I'm not even sure what they are. Yes, I chose to stay with him. It was my choice. Now, I am pretty much locked into that choice until I get well enough to get a job outside of the house. I have animals that would have to go with me and my house is my office.

I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm hurt. I'm disillusioned, well, except about the part that I know if I had made different choices, I wouldn't be.

My head knows he can't help most of this but then there is the part that says he can go to work and treat people civilly, respectfully, etc. all day long but he can't with me? Add confused to the list I guess.

I am hoping just getting this stuff out in black and white will help. I've bottled it up for awhile and the cork is about to blow I guess.

Arella - are you two MARRIED?
How old are you two?

I wonder why you aren't on his insurance.

Perhaps he feels things should be 50/50.

In that case, you may have to drastically cut expenses in order to meet your own budget. Are you really able to take care of all your animals with your health issues?

I am not picking up a narcisstic attitude about this from him. He sounds like he wants to retire and enjoy all those things he has worked hard for. He is not willing to sell or give up some things that are dear to him to support you.

That says something about the relationship, but it may not be unreasonable on his part. He's tired too.

He is 62 and I am 57. We have been married for 13 years and he has been diagnosed with a narcisstic personality disorder. We aren't talking about a few instances of him being selfish. We are talking about a man who no matter what you say to him about anything, his first thought is, what it has to do with him, how it makes him look, etc.

I had insurance when I worked but I lost my fulltime job. I was supposed to have been added to his insurance at work but he 'keeps forgetting' or whatever. I brought it up a few times but like a narcicissist does, he flies into a rage because he perceives it as an attack. Same thing with the car insurance, his retiring, selling any of the myriad of "things" he has. Financially, we'd be pretty set if he'd sell some vehicles and his music equipment. Narcicissists always have to have the best..................when it comes to material stuff it's a must for them.

Don't get me wrong, I still love him. I can't stop no matter what and I wish I could. But I can't physically and emotionally deal with this anymore. I slept like a rock last night for the first time in a year. I think it was because I finally came out of denial and I was able to voice some of what was inside.

I have to start getting ready for work. I work 2:30-11:00pm my time. I love talking to the customers.

facing adversity as a team is a huge challenge. so will you not becoming consumed with bitterness if your future years are financially difficult when they should not be with all the money he has made over his lifetime. but it is really late in the game for you two, there are not many ways to see this working out fine unless he gets bored and decides to do some kind of hobby business after he retires.

I'm so sorry, Arella. You've had to deal with far too much recently. I remember this thread and being concerned about you. I'm really sorry it's come to this point, but also understand what you mean.

Do you have a plan, when you say that you're done? Just that you'll stop fighting, or are you planning to divorce?

Best wishes to you.

<Nods with Sozobe's thoughts.>

My instinct is that you can still love him, continue to love him, but for your own life, you need to change what is happening and get it done efficiently - which for me would include divorce. I think I would act on that right away. Or, maybe legal separation somehow... I don't know much about that, if that could work at all, doubt it, think it's the wrong direction to go as any kind of sustained situation.
And I think staying is the wrong direction to go.

You have tried very hard, but you have been affected by his sometimes screwy world, that is not his fault (if I understand that diagnosis at all) but is impossible (to me) as workable in a marriage.

The whole thing about the insurance is a real reality check. Even if he changed his mind one day. This stuff will keep on coming.

AM does not have the money to fight with or much time to rebuild finacially after an expensive fight, he does and likely would be willing to fight to keep his money/toys. Divorce does not seem like a likely smart option.

Edit: I think that AM announcing even the consideration of divorce gets heard as betrayal...this would be war.

This is not at all my acumen - I don't have acumen on all this.

it's hard to believe she couldn't come out survival ok, but I'm a legal dodo.

Well, I hope smarters than me will post here.

I'm no smarter, but what she's got just isn't going to change - at least not for the better. If she agrees, she still needs to make her own decision.

Announce it?

You come from cali..AM lives in LA, I expect that this matters big time but I could be wrong.

But wait, so what?

Kindly rephrase the question.

I was born in Los Angeles, and Arella is from Louisiana.

We vary all over the place.

Plus, I don't come from cali. That is a city in Columbia.

I agree, unfortunately. AM, you're 57 and working/employable. He's 62 and about to retire. I don't know his work history but if it's significantly better than yours you're entitled to draw spousal benefits on his SS when you turn 62 (or draw your own if it's better) REGARDLESS of your marital status at that time.

I don't mean to sound clinical with your emotional well-being but sometimes putting on a clinical hat is the best way to survive emotional upheaval. What can you do for the next five years until you're 62? Cold hearted and calculated, if necessary. What's the best path for you for the next five years?