Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

I married a guy on purpose who was eleven years younger than I was.

We lasted a long time and still talk.

He's just turning sixty. I will likely be dead for when I could grab benefits of his good years.

So: snort

Wait. What? You SO are not 57

Anyway... what's your plan for the next five years and five weeks?

Up until 2000, Johnny was a musician. He sang and played guitars in clubs, hotels, etc. Did he plan for retirement on that? No, he did not. Did he pay taxes on all that? Sometimes. His Social Security won't be a lot and his Walmart retirement will be about half of what he brings home now. If I work full-time at a decent job, we could survive on that along with his retirement and SS. I just want him to stay working until I can get a decent Outside the house fulltime job. I am going to be working two part-time At Home Customer Service jobs but it's nothing to count on for a long time. If he would just at least understand he needs to work that long things would be okay but as the way narcissim goes, he CAN'T think like that. It is like something is not connected in their brain.

Hawkeye is right about what he's saying. It would be war and Johnny would feel he is the one that was betrayed, etc. He can't help it. That doesn't make it any easier. It's just the way it is.

Until I am well enough to get a job outside the house, I am pretty much stuck here. In order to cope, I will have to be like I was before, accepting of his behavior and don't buck it and make plans to be getting out. I see no other option.

He's being so kind and sweet today. Before I would think it was because he realized he was wrong and was trying his best to change some. Today, I think, "it's just another way to manipulate the situation to his gain." I hate that I think that! It makes me cry to think that but I have to face reality here.

My job is really helping me get some self-confidence back. Being sick for so long and beaten down took so much out of me. I fought it hard and in fighting that hard I took more out of me. I had to accept I am not at 100%, don't know if and when I will be but whatever I get to is okay as long as I don't quit.

What I am done at is being in denial. Denial is bliss but when you come out of it, it's like a baseball bat to the face.

Johnny's really not a bad guy. He has a personality disorder and he really cannot help that. His brain just doesn't let him think about things like empathy, etc. Just knowing that doesn't help a lot though. He told me a couple of things about his childhood that people had said to him when he was a little kid and I imagine they had a lot to do with his being like he is.

So, for now, I am here in my home. I will be working and saving up and making plans. I won't give up on life though I may have to give up on him if I want my sanity to survive.

Arella,
You started this thread about 7 years and 3 months ago, so it sounds a little like self-deception to me when you say things like "I may need to give up on him if I want my sanity to survive". Because the guy isn't going to change, your sanity and peace of mind and health will continue to be victimized by this adolescent in a 60 year old shell.
I care what happens to you, so I don't mean to be harsh, but in my opinion you should have shed this dead weight years ago, and you could still benefit greatly by doing so.

Arella Mae, I've just discovered this thread. I read it all the way through. I found numerous contradictions and rationalizations.

I've been thinking about it all. Thinking about you. It seems to me that you may not want this kind of a relationship but that there's something inside you that needs this.

I seems to me that the only way to resolve it is either accept things the way they are or find what it is inside yourself that needs this kind of treatment, understand it, and get past it.

Whatever you do or don't do, whatever happens, I wish you well. I hope you know that.

The whole relationship is a contradiction and yes, rationalizations are definitely part of it. Like I said, I'm not in denial about it anymore.

I made my bed. I chose to lie in it. Now, I am making plans to escape it. I can't just get up and walk out. I am not physically able. I am not mentally able enough, and I am not financially able at the moment.

So, until I can get the money, strength, and resolve I will have to accept the situation I am in and do the best I can with it.

What I needed was a man that would not give up on me like so many others had done in my life. I'm not lily white here. I made big mistakes in the marriage too but they are years past and I've done my best to do right for the last ten or so years. He stayed with me through the mistakes I made and I wanted so much to have a death do us part marriage. When I said those vows, I meant them. For better or for worse...............

I feel better because I got some of this off my chest and I slept until 4 this afternoon! I haven't slept like that for years so maybe making the decision I made was the right thing to do.

Snood, I know you care. Never doubted it and I love you for it. I love all of you for caring.

57 is a bit late to start being honest with yourself, but you still beat a lot of people.

Sick humor...Hawkeye lecturing on honesty.

get a ******* grip, this thread is about AM not me.

edit: you betray your bias when you twist a compliment into a "lecture".

Even funnier - Hawkeye advising someone else to "Get a grip". I know the thread is about AM. I've known and been friends with AM for a long time - we picked out her screenname together. The thread is still about AM. And you're still a racist pervert.

Hello,

I'm interested in this topic, too.
Is worth talk to narcissistic parents about how much they hurt me? I have the urge to tell them about it and they have no interest to hear it. They say: You are boring, talking about the past all the time.
And than, I have two options - say what I feel (which I prefer) and lose them over again (they just shut me down every time I try to express myself) or keep my mouth zipped and feel like I'm betray myself .
I would choose the other one if that could mean they will stop with all that rough staff, but the problem is - they always find the way to hurt me.

How old are you, Rada888?

Can you talk to your teachers, a counselor in school or some other adult that might help you?

What are your parents doing to hurt you? Can you be more specific?

Thank you, Calamity, for your replay.
Don't worry, I'm not a child any more, but I feel like I am with them sometimes.
Anyway, it is not anything too much scary ...
By now, I know I love them and I want to be in some kind of contact with both of them... but it is a bit hard and I just want to know this little think about narcisstic persons - is there any sense to talk to them about how much they hurt other persons? Because, for example, they get angry when I try to talk to them about the past ... and I need them to know how I felt and how I feel now...
It was very hard. My mother lose her interest in me when I was very young, stop talk to me, ignored me complete and then come back to my life when she get divorced. I tried to talk to her over and over again about life without her, but she just shut me down. And before all this - every single day was challenge with my parents...

I am glad, Rada, that you're no longer a child and I can see that despite your upbringing you are a caring, considerate person.

People only change if they want to and it doesn't look that way in your parents case, so you only can change yourself in how you interact with them and how you approach the subject. I think you would benefit from professional help and perhaps you could seek out a good therapist where you can discuss your childhood with.

A true narcissist will never admit to any problems they have or have caused, so you might as well talk to the wall. Just love them and hope that one day they will realize how much they hurt you, but don't count on it.

Thank you, Calamity. I suppose it is the best to do so, but it is a bit hard to love persons who hurt you so much (not impossible, but hard ). It is even harder, because they ignore what they have done.