Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

I hope you don't have kids.

kids
No, we don't have any kids together. He has a daughter he hardly ever sees.
My son is wise beyond his years, he's graduated from college and no longer
lives with us. He says to get away from him.

Carrol

Sounds wise indeed...and loving.

Hey Arella Mae, I was searching on the internet and found this site and your comments about your husband. I so am going through the same thing, and feel I am going out of my mind. I have been married to my husband for over 30 years, and I knew things were not the way they should be, but chalked it up to "not everything is always perfect" and "I should try harder to set the tone for our marriage" etc etc. Anyway, my heart goes out to you. I know there is hope, I just don't know which way to turn right now. My husband is a business man, and he can be so charming and seem so genuine. At those times, I want to believe it is real. However, often times in our home, it is a different story. He complains often about our money situation (which we are doing fine), and is moody, sarcastic and insulting to me--not always, but often. I feel so bad about myself when I am around him during these times, I leave to be with my friends and stay longer than I need to, so I can feel normal about myself. I am basically an upbeat person, and love to socialize with others. He does as well, but only on his terms. If he doesn't plan the event, he makes sure he is sarcastic, insulting and puts in plenty of put downs before and during the event I am planning. It is very stressful, and sad really. I have basically just let him do the planning to keep peace. My family was here over the weekend. He completely took over the conversation and spoke of himself, and put down others. It was embarassing to me. He gave me dirty looks if I said much (and believe me I am no push over) and just generally made the weekend miserable. I feel like planning future family events without him completely. We could all have such a better time. I don't want to hurt him, but I am tired of being such an easy target for him. I want to dodge the bullet. Any comments?

Please forgive me not answering sooner. I had pretty much forgotten I had even started this thread. Hon, I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it is like being on a roller coaster, isn't it? They can be such jerks but then do something that makes your heart melt.

I have gotten better at just accepting him the way he is. He has his interests, like his Viper that he bought. He spends more time with it than me but the time he does spend with me is a lot more peaceful. He got that thing for a marvelous price so I couldn't complain. Anyway, I try to keep busy. I was finally able to start working again and that helps. We don't have much company because he is not a very sociable person anymore. At least when he was playing music at clubs he could act sociable.

I learned arguing with him about it all never does any good. He just doesn't get it. He thinks his behavior is perfectly normal and I guess for him it is. Maybe it's because I'm getting older that I can handle it better. The lows on the roller coaster are fewer and farther between because we don't spend as much time together as we used to since I'm working again.

No matter what, I do love him. I can't stop and believe me there for awhile I tried to. So, I am trying to make the best of it and I'm reasonably happy. I wish you well and if you ever need someone to talk to about this please feel free to call on me.

It's been quite awhile since I posted on this thread. I didn't feel a need to because hubby has really been a lot less narcisisstic than he had been.

Tonight, he really upset me. He was going up to the garage to put a light on his motorcycle and I asked him if he'd run down to the store to get me something for a headache. He asked where and I said just go down to the station right down the road. He doesn't like that place and says only thugs go there. I go there all the time and never had a bit of trouble.

Well, he got mad. He stormed down the hallway and was cussing up a bluestreak and he grabbed his shirt and tore it open, popped off all the buttons, and said he'd just have to get dressed to go to Walmart. I told him, "just forget it." Well, he changed his shirt to something other than a workshirt and left. He was back in five minutes. He had gone to the station right down the road. He came in and threw the aspirin on my desk and walked out. He always makes comments about being the delivery boy when I ask him to go get something but I usually laugh it off. I guess he was serious all those times maybe.

He's in bed now. I'm up and still upset. Most of the time, I don't get upset but him tearing his shirt like that really took me aback. It's not that I need advice about this or anything, but sometimes just putting it in black and white helps me. I am sure by tomorrow he'll have forgotten all about it and it will be no issue - FOR HIM.

As for me, I'm finding a job. I don't care what kind of job it is, but I'm finding something and I am not going to ask him for anything again. He gets mad when I need money just to pay a bill! I don't let that bother me, because I know he'll pay them.

He doesn't like me asking for money because that would mean he'd have to maybe skip one of his precious Viper Club trips. I don't mind that he goes, because he works hard and does deserve the break but geesh, every penny of my unemployment goes for food and the satellite.

I do have a job interview tomorrow at 3:30 and so help me, I'm going to get this job. It pays pretty good, is right here in town, 8:30-5:30 Mon-Fri. I'll have time to come home and ride after work when it is a bit cooler. It's a secretarial position at an insurance company. So, pray for me, if y'all will.

Oh, the company I got laid off from? They are going under.

Good luck on the job interview, kiddo.

I hope you get the job- good luck.

My soon-to-be ex is very similar in nature. I decided it was best for me to leave the relationship.

I am glad you came back to give us an update!


This is my story...and an exit strategy. Perhaps it will help.
http://able2know.org/topic/131936-1

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to!

Good luck with the interview.

I'll put a braid in my hair for you

Thanx for the good luck on the job. I am really praying that I get it. I read your story MM. Yeah, girl I know how that must have felt. They just come up with this stuff out of the blue and we are like, "Um, I never said anything remotely like that!" It really does no good to argue with them. I either get this cold shoulder and "go to hell" look, or this "poor little me baby boy" look like I broke his heart.

I know it's all manipulation and it sucks. He has gotten better over the years. We have been through so much. I was sick for quite awhile and I know it was hard on him and to be honest, he made it harder on me. These types personalities don't have a lot of empathy or sympathy. Not real empathy or sympathy anyways.

He got up and went to work and didn't say a word to me. That's fine. I'm gonna enjoy the silence. I am sitting here under the hair dryer and just finished doing my nails. I am going to rock this interview!

I would love to talk to you sometime MM, but I haven't got the foggiest idea how to PM since A2K changed.

Wow, just read most of the thread as I had not seen it before. Tough duty Arella Mae and good luck on your job interview. It could indeed give you the relief you need.

Just one question: Is there any alcohol or other drug abuse involved in any way in this scenario?

I'll PM you then. All you'll need do is click on the "INBOX (1) in the upper right corner of your screen.

No, Johnny neither drinks, smokes, or takes drugs. Never has. He's a lot like his dad. Too much like his dad sometimes. I knew by tonight it would be like it didn't happen.

Oh and I was never going to ask him for a thing again, right? Well, on my way home from my job interview I ran out of gas. I was headed to the station and was about a half a mile away from it. I had to call him. He came right away, put gas in my truck, and was as sweet as can be. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!! It makes me want to pull my hair out. Why can't he be like that instead of ripping the buttons off his shirt? I know, I know. He really can't help it. My head knows this but it's hard to accept sometimes.

I have my horses and my garden. He has his Viper and the Viper Club. He does pretty much what he wants and so do I. I trust him and he trusts me. He has never accused me of cheating or anything like that and I've never accused him. We both know better about each other. Most of the time I can deal with him pretty well and not get upset. But, occasionally, like last night, he'll do something just a bit more over the edge and it will bother me for a bit.

He came to help you. He is good at being a Knight in shining armor.

Let me you ask hun....if you had asked him come pick you up ahead of time, would it have been the same?

Seems they don't like it when they *have* to do something, but if they can come in and save the day, it's a big ego boost. (understandbly) " See...you need me!"

Girl, you nailed that one right on the head there! Yeah, when I try to plan things ahead of time it always seems I am conflicting with something on his schedule and he gets mad about it.

I hadn't really thought about the knight in shining armor thing, but looking back over the years, I'd have to say you are exactly right. If only their behavior could be more predictable! Just when you think you know how they are going to react to something, they totally blow you away by acting differently.

It's like with my garden. I wanted to plant a garden this year. I had never planted one in my life but we have all this land and I wanted a garden. Johnny's nephew was supposed to plow up the garden for me. I kept asking and kept asking and he just had excuse after excuse about when it would get done. Well, one day, I walk outside and there is Johnny on the tractor plowing up this huge garden spot. Guess that tractor was his white horse.

One thing, life is never boring with him, though I wouldn't mind a little boring sometimes.

*chuckle* exactly.

This is totally my partner it drives me mad I really need to get out before I go insane, I am under so much stress it is unreal.

I know what you mean! My husband isn't so narcisisstic that he is totally predictable. Just when I think I know what he's going to do or say he does the opposite. I had to get to the point of I either accepted he had this personality and live with it or get out. Well, I love him no matter what and I'm not leaving him. But that's me.

I've done some research on this personality disorder and it is one of the hardest to control because it's nearly impossible to get anyone to understand they even have it. They are not capable of seeing it is their problem. It's frustrating and downright maddening at times.

Maybe talking on here with others will help some blackwidow? I know so many on here have helped me through some rough times.

The biggest problem is that these people know they are right and know they are perfect so could not recognise the fact they have a ny problem in the first place, IT CANT BE ME SO IT MUST BE YOU syndrome