What is it with me and married women?

kickycan wrote:

In answer to your question, Dlowan, I found this:

http://psychology.about.com/library/weekly/aa022001d.htm

Quote:
Romantic Love and Attachment Styles

Attachment Style: Avoidant

An estimated 25% of the people in romantic relationships do not feel comfortable being close to their partners. They do not allow themselves to become reliant on their partners and feel nervous when other people get too close to them.

I think that is me to a tee. But the question is, why?

Quote:

Characteristics of this attachment style include:

Less invested in relationships
Show less grief following loss
Prefers to work alone
Withdraws from partner when partner or self is stressed
Do not like self-disclosure by self and others
Unable to remember relationships well
Hostile/hateful when provoked
More likely to be atheist/agnostic; "born again" religious experience during adolescence if mother was not religious
Have death anxiety but tend not to reveal it directly

When observing people with the avoidant attachment style, psychologists have noticed a certain inconsistency across the group. For example, some avoidants have higher self-esteem than others and they are less dependent. Researchers call this type of avoidants the "dismissing avoidants". The other group, the "fearful avoidants", fail to bond with others often due to lack of self-confidence and fear of rejection, but not lack of conscious attachment desire.

Yep, I lack self-confidence and I fear rejection. So how do I fix that?

And what about you? What is your attachment style?

Damn fine question!

Historically, ambivalent at best, I fear! But hopefully nearing an earned secure on the Adult Attachment instrument. Except when provoked.

If you really wanna know how you got your attachment style I can give you some references!

How to work with it?

Knowledge is a damn fine start.

(Sorry, I normally keep my big, furry paws OFF psychologising friends....musta had me guard down!)

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References? Yes, please. But I also ask that you don't go too far out of your way for them. I have a notoriously short attention span, so I don't want to feel like I made you go through a whole lot of stuff if I don't follow through on this for a while.

Thanks, wise wabbit.

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Oh, and no need to apologize. I actually think "What attachment style are you?" is hardly an off-putting question, and, in fact, would probably make for a damned interesting thread of its own.

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Actually, if you be waving it at me, I won't.

I be dead serious.

Remember, we have been utterly immersed in this stuff at my old job lo these past few years.

And, each and every one of us went through a major personal upheaval as a result.

Really major for some.

Now, that is a no brainer, therapists en masse are gonna have interesting reasons for getting into it, we all know that. And, all of us, with a couple of exceptions, had done some pretty serious personal work at various times.

Getting into this stuff, though, was the mother lode. THIS is where all things start, "in the foul rag and bone shop of the heart".

I seriously don't wanna start a serious thread on this, where people may get opened up the way anyone who starts working with this stuff, or thinking seriously about it, does. Unles they are so well defended, or so ridiculously secure, that there is nothing serious to open up!

It can really tear folk open, and we have some truly vulnerable souls around here.

We had a supportive environment, were reasonably mentally healthy (in an able to get on with and enjoy life, most of the time sort of way) and knew where to get real assistance with stuff. It was still bluddy tough. I have spoken a bit about the ruckus in our team? The worst experience of my working life stuff? Guess what opened THAT up!!!!

I sound over dramatic, but I ain't got the time or energy to offer reasonable support here (which I would feel obliged to do if I opened a thread) to anyone that gets really triggered.

And man, have we seen triggered!

(Oh, I might add that the results for us personally have been very, very positive. But it has been way hard, and every new client triggers some damn new thing. You HAVE to have excellent supervision to work with attachment based trauma and trauma via attachment work.)

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That makes sense.

Or: Kicky, I've heard that New York City has a couple-few therapists around -- maybe find one?

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You callin' me crazy?

<fingers trigger on six-gun>

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kickycan wrote:

References? Yes, please. But I also ask that you don't go too far out of your way for them. I have a notoriously short attention span, so I don't want to feel like I made you go through a whole lot of stuff if I don't follow through on this for a while.

Thanks, wise wabbit.

Most of the really good stuff is in books and professional journals, that you hafta pay for, Kicky.

A great and fabulous introduction is Karen's "Becoming Attached", a very readable book.

Here are a couple of sites I found that may have good stuff, from what I saw at a cursory glance:

http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

This one looked interesting, but was down when I tried to access it. Hopefully it is not down permanently:

http://www.attachment.org.uk/

http://www.attachmentnetwork.org/

http://www.childtrauma.org/

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No no no I realized it sounded that way after I pressed submit, like one of the politics trolls' insults. I meant it more sincerely -- have seen a therapist myself a few times, helped enormously.

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Of course she isn't calling you crazy!

Just normally neurotic, like us!

Well, like me.

On a good day.

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I was kidding! I knew what you meant, Soz.

Thanks for the info dlowan. Right now I'm in fun mode, but when I'm feeling introspective, I will definitely be all over that stuff!

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Hmmm...nice gauntlet.

<picks it up, examines it, stuffs it in pocket, walks away, contentedly fiddling with trigger on six-gun.>

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Fiddling with your trigger again, eh. Did you get another email?

So here's what I wonder about. Have you seen her again recently? Or is your crush based on your memory of her?

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The last time I saw her was over a year ago. But for the past three or four years, it's been about a year between each time I've seen her. I think my crush has actually grown each time. But I knew a long time ago that nothing could come of it, because she's married. I am hot for her, and I think she's an incredible person. But she's definitely flakey. And married.

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Distractions to avoid distraction....
Kicky...

It sounds like you have this under control at this point. I was in a very (I mean VERY) similar situation (just the genders were reversed) about 8 months ago. It is difficult not to drive yourself to distraction and not to obsess when you have an "adult crush" on a person. Throw yourself into something creative, like writing songs (even if it reminds you of her), you can redirect some angst into something tangible (song, poem, painting, clay pot, whatever...). Also, if you keep visualizing the future with that person, realistically, you can begin to let go of them. What awaits you in a month, in 6 months, a year, etc.? What is your life going to be like if you give in to this?

If this is meant to be (as my guy was trying to tell me when pleading with me to move to his state) then it will be when it is time. She can get divorced, regroup and then she can come after you if she still thinks you are her "soulmate".

The one good thing that can come out of this situation, as it has been highlighted here, you can learn a lot about yourself (when you are in the mood to be introspective).

Vi

P.S. Find someone else to "bang" - it helps! There are so many people professing their love for you and singing your praises here, I almost wish I was in NY, then we could be really good friends and help each other out :wink: ! Oh no... did I just say that? Shocked

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Where are you? I'm movin' there!

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Re: Distractions to avoid distraction....

Vixen wrote:

P.S. Find someone else to "bang" - it helps! There are so many people professing their love for you and singing your praises here, I almost wish I was in NY, then we could be really good friends and help each other out :wink: ! Oh no... did I just say that?

They sing their love for him...but they don't know what Kicky really looks like:

http://www.geocities.com/vvjinkyvv/hawgs.jpg

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Slappy, where the hell did you get that!!! I've had my teeth fixed since then!!! I have contacts now! I don't wear goofy clothes like that anymore...I'm hot now, seriously!

Slappy, you bastard! I'll never forgive you for this!

<runs away crying>

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What are you taking about? Kicky looks just like his avatar. Minus the smoke since he quit.

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What is it with me and married women?

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