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husband looking at porn

NSFW Forums: Relationships, Porn
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I agree that not everyone enjoys porn and I also agree that it is healthy and normal. But the point that you all seem to be missing is that these men are blatently lying to and betraying the women in their lives. They care more about their dicks than their wives. Porn is healthy and normal and fun but when someone come to you and says "what you are doing is hurting me" you should stop and think about what it is you are doing. None of these women seem to have started with compromising but netiher have the men! It takes two to make a marriage work. What you are saying is that they women should shut up and take it. That is just absurd. They should not expect the men to quit once they are married if they did it before marriage. But they should expect some respect for their feelings and desires. And these men need a lesson in honesty.

So get off your high horse and quit blaming these women. This problem is nearly almost a 50-50 split on blame.

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We are not men, so how do we know? That's like a man saying that PMS does not exist...

I don't want to stick up for all the men here because this issue has touched me personally..

Blue balls does exist - it is just a slang name

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/blueballs.html

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bodemette wrote:

We are not men, so how do we know? That's like a man saying that PMS does not exist...

I don't want to stick up for all the men here because this issue has touched me personally..

Blue balls does exist - it is just a slang name

http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/blueballs.html

Yeah it exists but not to the degree people make it to be.

Discovery Health wrote:

Blue Balls Describes a Temporary, Minor Pain
The condition usually does not last long and the level of pain associated with blue balls is usually minor and can be exaggerated. Most men have been socialized to ejaculate when they get an erection during sexual activity. Failure to ejaculate and to feel orgasm often adds frustration and disappointment to the reality of the physical sensation.

Men who believe that they should ejaculate every time they have an erection are likely to exert pressure on their partner to proceed with sex without taking her feelings into consideration.

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Bella Dea wrote:

I agree that not everyone enjoys porn and I also agree that it is healthy and normal. But the point that you all seem to be missing is that these men are blatently lying to and betraying the women in their lives. They care more about their dicks than their wives. Porn is healthy and normal and fun but when someone come to you and says "what you are doing is hurting me" you should stop and think about what it is you are doing. None of these women seem to have started with compromising but netiher have the men! It takes two to make a marriage work. What you are saying is that they women should shut up and take it. That is just absurd. They should not expect the men to quit once they are married if they did it before marriage. But they should expect some respect for their feelings and desires. And these men need a lesson in honesty.

So get off your high horse and quit blaming these women. This problem is nearly almost a 50-50 split on blame.

I couldn't agree more, Bella!

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Re: Husband looking at porn

bodemette wrote:

We have talked about this issue openly, which works much better then my old way of freaking out and screaming. My boyfriend understands where I am coming from and he has explained his side. We are both going to work on these issues...

This is the part no one seems to get. I congratulate you on this because most couples can't seem to figure out that it takes compromise on both parts to make things work.

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Montana, we might not agree about porn but we do agree that everyones feelings are valid and should be considered.

It's like being allergic to dogs. If you were allergic to dogs but your husband LOVED them and he brought one home one day, how would you feel? How should you feel? People wouldn't just say "deal with it. He likes dogs so you will just need to deal with it." They'd freak out and call him an unsensitive prick. Some people will "suffer" their allergies to give their spouse a dog and some will not. It's the same with porn. But the point to both is you have to talk about it and get both sides out on the table so that everyone can be happy.

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Yep, agreed ;-)

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Re: Thanks

jeanniek wrote:

Thanks for everyone's support & comments. He knew about some of my past before, but not all of it. And I do have a program on my machine to keep track of things that are going on. He hasn't really given me any reason not to trust him and he understands the pain that I've gone through. Guess I just needed to hear a little support from others. I don't talk about my past with anyone (my own mother has no idea). And on the good side, nothing has come through on email yet for him.

Guess I should continue my saga with the whole issue. At the beginning of June we had another argument about something entirely different & he brought the topic up of my reacting to the 'pictures'. And then again towards the end of June we were discussing something else and again he brought it up. I've been seeing a counsellor & trying to work through things (depression, relationship, etc.) and she asked me whether I questioned the relationship or not because of his reactions and responses with the porn thing. He doesn't see it as porn, in his mind a lot of the pictures are very tasteful and I shouldn't take any offense. Anyhow, he questioned me the night that I had my last appointment and I told him what my counsellor & I had discussed. Well, right away he blew up and got all defensive, again. Since the first fight, he has gotten a few emails that of course he has to look at in order to know what they are, even if the subject says 'Playboy'. And he has deleted most of them if not all of them to my knowledge. No matter how much I tried to explain to him that for me there is no difference between him receiving & looking at the messages than for me living with the people who destroyed my life years ago, he just doesn't get it. He did email basically everyone in his address book to say that he no longer wanted to be sent any kind of nudity as it was hurting his relationship and that although the messages were being sent to him, that his spouse was monitoring & checking them. He did not say what reason I had for being uncomfortable, which for me deserved to be know to the 'sickening' friends that he has. He even sent the message to his daughter who is completely disgusted by it as well along with a few other females who would never send him messages containing filth. I am so scared right now that our life together is over. For me, if I meant so much to him, it wouldn't have been a big deal to send the message out in the first place. He says that he never went out looking for the stuff, but at the same time, he never said don't send it or give it to me either.
Does anyone else know where I'm coming from?
Thanks, Jeannie

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Does anyone have any good porn links? Shocked

Shocked

Twisted Evil

Laughing

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cjhsa wrote:

Does anyone have any good porn links?

Brat

Razz

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cjhsa wrote:

Does anyone have any good porn links?

Ask Montana. She's got all the good ones bookmarked on her 'puter.

Shocked

Shocked

Laughing

:wink:

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Laughing

Cool

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RE EPORN: It's not about YOU ladies. I look fabulous and my man still does it almost every day.
I want sex every day he wants it 2x per month.
Don't make their issues your issues.
Men just like to think they are getting away with something and the more pathetic they are the more they need to sneek around and wallow in filth.
Respect yourselves Don't Paricipate in demeaning other women or yourselves. Let them know you won't tolerate it and they are putting your relationship in jeopardy. There is so much sex everywhere till nobody needs to DO IT anymore!!!

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trying to be cool w/ it but hurting
I am the woman whose intellect is totally cool with my husband having his porn world while my emotional side is so hurt by it. We've been thru the whole cycle of anger, sadness and being cool with it. I keep telling myself that it's fine. I honestly don't believe that we should expect one person to fulfill all our needs, and for that reason I think it's normal and healthy for him to seek physical pleasure through other women. BUT... What that does to me is it makes me feel a sense of lack about myself. Yes, it's just on the computer, but how do you think I feel if we're out and a beautiful woman walks by. Because I know he's sexually turned on by other women, I can't help but feel small in the shadow of his erection.

I so want to be ok with this.

Sometimes I think I say I'm ok with it because it's the better of 2 options:
1. I say it's cool and secretly deal with anger/jealousy
2. I ask him to stop and then rediscover the problem later and be even more hurt that he lied to me.

My thing is, I want him to feel the way his porn habit makes me feel. But watching porn (men) doesnt do it for me. It's not an even stephen situation. I am turned on my a mans intellect & humor. So where does this leave me? I want to be desired by a man the way that my husband desires other women, maybe not in a sexual way, but someway. And I want my husband to feel small and jealous in the shadow of other men wanting his wife. I want to stress that it is not sexual to me, I just want my husband to feel the uncomfortableness of bringing other people into our marriage. For me, I hate that other women excite him sexually. For him, he hates when other men are drawn to me, talking to me, flirting with me.

I know in my heart that this type of revenge thinking is not right. At my core, I don't want to hurt my husband. I'm just speaking from an angry and hurt place right now, and don't know what to do with all of these feelings. He's not home right now, but I will talk to him about all of this when he returns. I just don't know how to be cool with it and honor my own self at the same time. I'm a walking conundrum! All of feelings got stirred up again today when I came across his porn stash on the computer. I know (my intellect) it's there, but when I see it, it stirrs up a flurry of emotions that leave me feeling angry, sad, and all around iky. I want him to feel the same.

Thanks to you all for listening.

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have you read all the posts on here?
if you havent I suggest you do. :wink:

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Hi there

I have read all the replies on this topic with interest! I too have a boyfriend that continually looks at porn. He has actually saved video clips of it on the PC i am using at the moment. I have tried to pretend this doesn't bother me but in reality it is tearing me apart. It is even more hurtful to know that he is doing it whilst I am in the house downstairs. I have never refused to have sex with him and I feel as though it is affecting our sex life. He used to want it all the time, and now he doesn't seem that interested - its no wonder really!

I am still quite young - 23 years old and without sounding big headed am quite slim and pretty. We plan to marry and have kids etc but I really dread to think what this kind of thing will do to me when we are married and I have put on a bit of weight after carrying all his children - I think Iam barely able to cope with it now because I can almost compare to the girls that are on the websites. For an older woman or someone who is not confident about their body, I can imagine it would be even more heartbreaking.

I have read all the replies on this site and I can appreciate that most girls find it acceptable. I have had a very strict upbringing - my dad did not look at porn at every opportunity - in fact, he never did! I have been brought up in a strict environment and to believe that partners should be faithful to each other. My mother would be disgusted if she found my dad looking at porn and I have been brought up with the same ideas about things. I am now finding it very hard to cope with what women accept from men these days - it is very difficult to accept your boyfriend looking at pornography when you have been brought up to believe that this kind of thing is wrong.

What is more, the fact that he is doing it while I am in the house is an insult to me - it makes me feel like he is not happy with me and if that is the case, I wish he would just say so. We have talked about it slightly and he just laughs it off and says he only does it when I am on my period. This is not true because when you look at the properties of a computer file, it gives you the last time and date it was modified. He is doing it all the time! I could see this being a big problem in some marriages. I actually found an interesting website:

http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/nightlife/sex/columns/mating/12044/

It gives an account of how on-line porn is destroying relationships.

I am not coping very well right now, but when I am 45, have put on a little weight and have started to get wrinkles, I will be destraught!

Confused1

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ps. I totally agree with just hatched!

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Something else I would like to add is, women on this topic seem to think that the choice is either a - let your husband look at porn, or b - let him have an affair. Why should it be either? For too long, women have accepted things that are just not right - just because all men do it, doesn't mean that its right. Women did used to put up with their husbands going to prostitutes but this was WRONG! And they only put up with it because they had no rights in matrimonial property etc - what choice would a woman have in those days? She would be living as a prostitute herself if she left her husband because they were not given work!

Women were not even allowed to vote before, and like idiots, some women were actually convincing themselves that it was for the best and that women are an inferior being to men. Its all b~llshit! Women should not have to accept anything from their partner that they do not subject their partner to themselves!

I think the whole thing is a sliding scale. If women accept men as being 'hot blooded' and accept that men can't help themselves, where does this end? Should a man be allowed to have sexual fantacies about your best friend because its only her body that he wants? Internet porn in my opinion is no different. They are all other females. We are human beings at the end of the day, not animals. Animals fall at the other end of the scale - the males mate with anything in their path and the females are expected to just put up and shut up. We are not barbaric unintelligent animals so there is no excuse for it!

Confused1

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Confused1 wrote:

Something else I would like to add is, women on this topic seem to think that the choice is either a - let your husband look at porn, or b - let him have an affair. Why should it be either? For too long, women have accepted things that are just not right - just because all men do it, doesn't mean that its right. Women did used to put up with their husbands going to prostitutes but this was WRONG! And they only put up with it because they had no rights in matrimonial property etc - what choice would a woman have in those days? She would be living as a prostitute herself if she left her husband because they were not given work!

I have never ever said anything remotly close to this. You've obviously not read completely. I always say and continue to maintain that the blame in these situations is almost always 50-50. Women need to quit being so needy and clingy and men need to remember that women are far more sensitive to stuff like this. Compromise has always been my solution.

Confused1 wrote:

Women should not have to accept anything from their partner that they do not subject their partner to themselves!

You'd be right if the reverse was equal. But it isn't. Men could care less if their women were masturbating and looking at porn. In fact, most would think it's hot. So why do women have such a hang up? Because, we are far more emotionall driven when it comes to sex and we get these ideas in our head about how things should be.

Confused1 wrote:

I think the whole thing is a sliding scale. If women accept men as being 'hot blooded' and accept that men can't help themselves, where does this end? Should a man be allowed to have sexual fantacies about your best friend because its only her body that he wants? Internet porn in my opinion is no different. They are all other females. We are human beings at the end of the day, not animals. Animals fall at the other end of the scale - the males mate with anything in their path and the females are expected to just put up and shut up. We are not barbaric unintelligent animals so there is no excuse for it!

But we ARE animals. We are instinctual and that instinct is to procreate. Cheating and fantasizing are two completely different things. If you consider fantasizing cheating then you've had every man you've ever been with cheat on you. It is natural and normal. If he finds your best friend attractive he will fantasize about her. Does it mean he will act on it? Absolutly not. That's where we are different as humans. We choose what we act on.

What you are saying is absolutly insane and I can guarantee you will never be happy with anyone if you allow such rigid "sex rule" into your life. Men function differently than women. We all know it. They are visual. We all know it. I don't want to know who and what my husband thinks about while masturbating but I don't deny that he does. Living in denial will only cause you a world of hurt when you finially discover the truth.

The man must also make compromise though. That's what you are not hearing. Some of these guys are lying and hiding the behavior because they don't want to 1) hurt their wives 2) it's exciting to be doing something forbidden and 3) they don't want to listen to 3 hours of crying and carrying on about there PRIVATE masturbation habits. I do think that the couple needs to decide what is best for the couple. Not just for the woman. Not just for the man. For both. If it means only minimal porn, great. If it means no porn, great. But the word no one seems to get is compromise.

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The fact that women think differently from men is al the more reason for a man to be more sensitive to a woman's feelings. Not act like an animal!

Maybe the solution is to be brought up like animals - to be taught that its ok to go around shagging anything and anyone - or to live in one of those nude camps!

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