Threatened with divorce once again- am I crazy?

soz, half a dozen on one hand and 6 on the other right?

Now that I have offered to give up poker if she goes to counciling with me its hard to say I'll give it up all together and then two weeks later tell her either come to counciling or get divorced. She never gives in to my demands because she knows that I don't belive in divorce. But I guess its worth a shot. If it doesn't work then I'm the one filing for divorce and then she is even more devastated.

Tico- my wife refuses to go to the gym with me. When I suggest it, she crys for an hour and says it doesn't work and she can't loose wieght. She gos on diets but intentionally sabatoges them by cheating and then says diets don't work. Her father died at 50 a few years ago from a heart attack wieghing over 400 lbs and her mother is not far behind, so you can see she has some real issues.

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I'd suggest that you pursue counselling, whether or not you give up/restrict poker, whether or not your wife will attend.

Your wife will hopefully see that you are serious about this, and will come around to attending with you. If not, you will have a counsellor to help you as you make further decisions about your life.

One of the things that may come from the counselling is some specific strategies to help you cope with your work and home life. It sounds as if you need to find some balance all round, as well as some support while you try to find that balance.

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oh brother

mit2727 wrote:

I just can't help but feel like I was blindsided by the whole thing. When my wife met me I was in college on a swimming scholorship, and worked contruction twenty hours a week to pay the bills. I had no time for her but she said she admired my drive and would cook me dinner and rub my back at night while I took in a ball game, she allways said she was content to get me when she could.

Whatever happened to that girl I fell in love with? The one who cooked me dinner and rubbed my back at night while I watched televised ball games? Rolling Eyes

She's not content with that anymore? OMG. I feel so blindsided by the whole thing . . .

oh brother . . . get that book J_B recommended about obsessive self-nurturing . . . .

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kickycan wrote:

I suggest you go home right now, take all her stuff, throw it out on the lawn, and yell out the window, "THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND THESE ARE THE NEW RULES! I WILL DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, AND YOU WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCONDITIONALLY, OR YOU WILL BE OUT ON YOUR FAT ASS!"

Be a man, for god's sake.

Ticomaya wrote:

For the record: Kicky is not married, and hasn't been laid in over a year.

I can't stop laughing! ROFL You guys are hilarious! ROFL

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Debra,

If thats the case, then why did she marry me? She knew my personality, she knew it is torture for me to sit still of ten minutes, and she told me over and over again that is why she fell in love with me. I was allways upfront about the way my life is, my need to provide my family with security because I have no one else to fall back on and she said she totally accepted that. And now that we are married that becomes "obessive self nuturing." If spending an hour a night pursuing some hobby is "obsessive self nurturing" then I guess I am guilty and unworthey of marriage. Sheesh.

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Bella Dea wrote:

There is some wisdom to what Kicky has said......

He is a grown man. He should be able to do what he wants, when he wants.

I agree. A husband should want to meet his wife's most important emotional needs unless he wants an unhappy wife. Unhappy wives, more often than not, divorce their husbands. But, he's a grown man . . . and if wants a divorce . . . he should have what he wants.

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Well I geuss I'm just naive to think that there is a middle ground and two people can live together in a mutaully benificial and satisfying relationship even if that means sacrificing some of each others "emotional needs." According to Debra, if one person has to sacrifice all of thier needs for another in order to save thier marriage, then it is neglect not to do so. Of course that meens that the one making the constant threats of divorce is allways the winner. There is never any compromise or discussion becuase if the "unhappy" person is willing to walk out, then they will allways get thier way. It doesn't take long for that person to realize that whenever they want some little consession, all they have to do is blow it up into a big fight and threaten divorce. They never have to compromise or consider the other persons "needs", they just have to issue ultimatums. And of course its neglectful not to give in every time. And of course not giving in meens that the other person "wants" to divorce the one he loves.

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mit2727 wrote:

Debra,

If thats the case, then why did she marry me? She knew my personality, she knew it is torture for me to sit still of ten minutes, and she told me over and over again that is why she fell in love with me. I was allways upfront about the way my life is, my need to provide my family with security because I have no one else to fall back on and she said she totally accepted that. And now that we are married that becomes "obessive self nuturing." If spending an hour a night pursuing some hobby is "obsessive self nurturing" then I guess I am guilty and unworthey of marriage. Sheesh.

It's NOT torture for you to sit still for ten minutes. You can sit still for two hours or more while you're playing poker. Your mind is occupied, but your body is still. You can sit still for two hours or more while you're watching a game on television. Your mind is occupied, but your body is confined to one space. I'm sure you can sit still for more than ten minutes while your wife massages your back -- while she's meeting your need for nurturing.

Your alleged inability to sit still for 10 minutes is not the problem. Your alleged ADD is not the problem. So long as your mind is focused on something you're interested in, you're happy. You're just not interested in your wife. Focusing your mind on her is pure torture for you. To quote you, "Sheesh."

When do you take the time to NURTURE your wife's needs (instead of your own needs)? Why don't you go home, cook your wife dinner, and rub her back . . . .

Better yet . . . . have your wife post on this thread. All of us would be delighted to hear her side of the story.

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mit2727 wrote:

Debra,

If thats the case, then why did she marry me? She knew my personality, she knew it is torture for me to sit still of ten minutes, and she told me over and over again that is why she fell in love with me. I was allways upfront about the way my life is, my need to provide my family with security because I have no one else to fall back on and she said she totally accepted that. And now that we are married that becomes "obessive self nuturing." If spending an hour a night pursuing some hobby is "obsessive self nurturing" then I guess I am guilty and unworthey of marriage. Sheesh.

mit, you're taking a bit of heat and criticism on this thread .... but some people are also telling you what you want to hear ... validation of your position and views. You are clearly not the only one in your marriage that has had a hand to play in bringing you two to where you are at. And, like Debra, I imagine if we were to hear her side of the story, we would hear a very different POV.

While your wife has issues, you have contributed to her fragile emotional state, IMO. Whether that is "fair," or not, I can't say. It appears that you are the only one willing or able to take any action right now to salvage your marriage, if you are interested in doing so. In my opinion, you have received some very good advice here, and I suggest you take it.

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Debra_Law wrote:

sozobe wrote:
Insulting other people in the course of giving advice is not necessary, Debra.

It's not an insult, it's an observation.

Insults and observations are not mutually exclusive.

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You simply have no idea what I do to "nurture my wife." I spend every weekend completely focused on us. At least once a week I cook her dinner. I love to cook. Every month we take a weekend trip to somewhere we haven't been together. I email her and call her about once every two hours while at work, just to see how her day is going. I have never missed a birthday or aniversery, and I send flowers to her work on a regular basis. We go to the theater or the ballet about once every two weeks, things that I am not particularly interested in but things she loves to do. Each month I send a check to her mother to help her out financially and her siblings havee lived with us for a long period of time. About once a month I will buy her something shiney, just to show I was thinking about her. I take time of work even when I don't have it to meet her for kunch at least twice a week. I have hired people to help around the house becuase I don't want her to have to worry about that and work. And yes, I rub her feet dailey. Is that negelctful? No, I will not have her post on this site, I have mentioned things on the cloak of anonymity ie, her wieght, that would be very upsetting to her.

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Quote:

So far I have offered to...
1) quit playing poker for 6 months and then work out a compromise as to when I can play. OR

2) Give up poker perminatly, if she agrees to go with me to marriage counseling and establish boundaries for the way we fight, and the demands we are allowed to make on one and other.

As per 1) she says its her terms or divorce, no compromise becuase "I had my chance to compromise early on and now I've lost that chance"

As per 2) she refuses- she says I am the one with the problem and am choosing poker over her, and she doesn't need couseling, I just need to do what she says.

I CAN'T GIVE IN AGAIN OR I AM GOING TO BE A BALLSLESS PUPPET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. On the other hand, I find it almost unthinkable to get divorced just because I don't want to give up poker on my wife's terms. But of course it goes much deeper than that.

PLEASE tell me what you think, am I being unreasonable? Should I stick to my guns even if that means divorce. If my wife will burn my clothes, she will definitely pull the trigger on the divorce over this. There are no kids involved yet so nows the time to get out if I'm going to get out.

The above is from your first post.

As per 1) It sounds like this has been going on for a very long time and she's fed up with begging for your attention.

As per 2) I'm not convinced she wouldn't be helped with some counselling as well. You can hope that when she sees it helping you she will want to join you in private or couples therapy.

As to choosing between giving in or getting divorced) Giving in does not make you a ballsless puppet unless you're doing it just to appease her and don't acknowledge she has a point.

You are absolutely correct in stating that now, before there are children in the picture, is the time to decide if you are going to commit to your marriage and make some changes to be part of a couple or get divorced and begin to look for someone who will take what you have to offer and will make you dinner while you watch tv, wait patiently while you play your soccer and waterpolo and various other games, and sit contentedly beside you while you have fun in cyberland.

As an aside, if you read, "The Pathway" you might discern something in it about your wife's emotional eating to share with her as well. Dieting never works when one is eating to fill the emotional needs they aren't getting from their real life.

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My turn to wholeheartedly agree with Tico, especially the part I bolded:

Ticomaya wrote:

mit, you're taking a bit of heat and criticism on this thread .... but some people are also telling you what you want to hear ... validation of your position and views. You are clearly not the only one in your marriage that has had a hand to play in bringing you two to where you are at. And, like Debra, I imagine if we were to hear her side of the story, we would hear a very different POV.

While your wife has issues, you have contributed to her fragile emotional state, IMO. Whether that is "fair," or not, I can't say. It appears that you are the only one willing or able to take any action right now to salvage your marriage, if you are interested in doing so. In my opinion, you have received some very good advice here, and I suggest you take it.

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It is true that my wife has emotional eating issues, but I don't think spending more time with her would cure those. My mother in law spent every waking hour with my father in law, and wiated on him hand and foot and he still ate himself to death, her siblings (except one) are drug addicts. It is more of a biochemical thing, I think. I am confident that she will eventually seek help for it, but I hate to see her decline to the point that it becomes obvious and then battle it the rest of her life.

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mit2727 wrote:

soz, half a dozen on one hand and 6 on the other right?

Now that I have offered to give up poker if she goes to counciling with me its hard to say I'll give it up all together and then two weeks later tell her either come to counciling or get divorced. She never gives in to my demands because she knows that I don't belive in divorce. But I guess its worth a shot. If it doesn't work then I'm the one filing for divorce and then she is even more devastated.

I don't think you need to say come to counseling or get divorced.

Here's how I see it -- you guys are a locked in a power struggle. Who's right, who's wrong, it's almost immaterial if the premise is that you want to figure out how to stay together. If you make quitting poker conditional, it's still in terms of the power struggle. She still "loses", she's still giving in to your demands.

However, if you just up and quit poker, then counseling no longer has strings. The last thing I'd suggest is adding new strings ("counseling or divorce"). What I'm suggesting is you get outside of the power struggle paradigm completely.

So you quit poker, say it's not worth it to you to have this huge fight about it, but you're not happy with the fact that she is always making these demands. Let things go for a while, give her the opportunity to come back with her own selfless gesture -- she might. Then eventually (I dunno what time interval, a month maybe?) say something like, "Look, I dropped the condition of going to counseling from the poker situation becuase I could tell it wasn't helping anything. I was happy to just drop it since it obviously bothered you so much, but that problem was a symptom of deeper ones I would like to resolve. I love you, I'm concerned about our relationship, I want to get things back on the right track. Would you please go to counseling with me? No strings, no demands, no ultimatums. Just... please?"

If she says no, you have the comfort of knowing that you tried your best... and then you can go yourself.

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Ticomaya wrote:

BTW: when it comes to my wife, I have decided I can be a "ballsless puppet" when it comes to my relationship with her. It is a conscious decision, which I need to remind myself of constantly. I believe it shows her that I respect her wants and desires, and that I hold her up in higher esteem than soccer.

Tico - you are a pure sweetheart.

Listen to this man's words, mit. Between that and the GREAT post that soz just gave you - advice doesn't get much better than that.

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In the end, I guess you are all right, except debra, she is insane and I wish her husband or future husband luck. There have been at least three times when my wife has packed up and moved out and I could have just let her go. Each time it was me who persisted until she came back, and the same exact issues have resurfaced again and again despite me changing whatever behavior it was that was bothering her at the time. I see the same pattern with her friendships, she meets someone and they are best friends for a year or so, and then she totally cuts them off becuause they have wronged her in some way or another and her principle is not to compromise. IMO, I don't know if I can ever please her long term, and I may put myself through a lot of misery trying. I don't put alot of blame on her, becuase I think we both have real issues. However, I do think that for six years, I have worked hard at our marriage despite those who assume otherwise. I think that my wife has constantly battled depression, like the others in her family who I have all suppourted from time to time and it is her compulsion to feed her insecurities by CREATING real problems and drama where there doesn't really have to be any by purposly continuously asking more and more of me. I have allways helped her through her low times, and I hate to think there wouldn't be anyone to do this once I was no longer around, but I don't know if I'm the right person to do this anymore.

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

Tico - you are a pure sweetheart. .

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Mit - I don't know what to say anymore. I feel really bad for you and your wife.

I think right now you could sure use a hug - even if it is just a virtual one.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v37/heavens_just_a_kiss_away/hug.gif

PS- Tico.......you're so cute when you blush. :wink:

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Thanks,
Brooke

And I'm not one to be dramatic. There is an 80% chance this will work out, again with me giving in, becuase I love my wife and don't believe in divorce. And I think there is a 100% chance that we will repeat itself. I'm just wondering how miserable the rest of my life is going to be if I continually sacrifice every thing I enjoy.

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Threatened with divorce once again- am I crazy?

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