Threatened with divorce once again- am I crazy?

Excellent book recommendation, J_B.

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Ok,

I just can't help but feel like I was blindsided by the whole thing. When my wife met me I was in college on a swimming scholorship, and worked contruction twenty hours a week to pay the bills. I had no time for her but she said she admired my drive and would cook me dinner and rub my back at night while I took in a ball game, she allways said she was content to get me when she could. After we got married, things changed-- she didn't see how playing on a semi pro water polo team advanced our interests, so she made me quit. Since I stopped competing in sports, I have noticed a marked change in my personality. It seems like I'm a bland, watered down version of what I used to be. To me, playing poker at least partially fed my cometative drive. My wife doesn't like this, I can tell. She does want the old me but deosn't realize the old me was a person who swept in every two days and took her to some wild party or to a water polo tournament in Europe and excited her. I think she married the wrong guy...

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Again, while your story could fit a few scenarios, I can easily see a scenario where your wife fears that you married her only for her beauty -- a trophy wife -- and is unreasonable in her expectations that you prove otherwise.

What do you think of my suggestion? Give up poker, without conditions, but don't leave it there -- the underlying issues won't thereby be resolved. Tell her that, ask her to go to counseling, and go yourself if she won't. (And who knows, maybe she'd join you after a while.)

Right now you're basically playing a game of chicken. Neither of you will relent. You don't have to be in the wrong to relent, you can still be in the right but also be the bigger person who realizes that something proactive has to happen to get you out of the bad place you're in. You can have the right to play poker AND be the bigger person and go ahead and give it up to just break the impasse, while not losing sight of the larger issues, and not letting the loss of poker be the end of the story.

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More good advice, soz.

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Thanks, Tico.

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I completely disagree Soz! You have to take control right now. Do you have any balls at all? Please, take the time to check right now...okay, everything there as it should be? Good. Now here's what I think you should do.

I suggest you go home right now, take all her stuff, throw it out on the lawn, and yell out the window, "THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND THESE ARE THE NEW RULES! I WILL DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, AND YOU WILL ACCEPT THIS UNCONDITIONALLY, OR YOU WILL BE OUT ON YOUR FAT ASS!"

Be a man, for god's sake.

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For the record: Kicky is not married, and hasn't been laid in over a year.

Laughing

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Kicky is advocating the "accelerated" method of resolving disputes. Laughing

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It's only been six months!

And please, Mit27, don't listen to Tico. His wife locks his balls in a safe when he goes out alone! Don't let this happen to you! :wink:

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kickycan wrote:

It's only been six months!

I stand corrected.

Laughing

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There is some wisdom to what Kicky has said......

He is a grown man. He should be able to do what he wants, when he wants.

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I'm telling you guys, if he did what I suggest, this problem would be solved. In fact, I'm willing to bet his marriage on it!

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kickycan wrote:

It's only been six months!

And please, Mit27, don't listen to Tico. His wife locks his balls in a safe when he goes out alone! Don't let this happen to you! :wink:

Excuse me but we put them in our purses. Better that way because we can check and make sure they are there at all times. :wink:

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mit2727 wrote:

Ok,

I just can't help but feel like I was blindsided by the whole thing. When my wife met me I was in college on a swimming scholorship, and worked contruction twenty hours a week to pay the bills. I had no time for her but she said she admired my drive and would cook me dinner and rub my back at night while I took in a ball game, she allways said she was content to get me when she could. After we got married, things changed-- she didn't see how playing on a semi pro water polo team advanced our interests, so she made me quit. Since I stopped competing in sports, I have noticed a marked change in my personality. It seems like I'm a bland, watered down version of what I used to be. To me, playing poker at least partially fed my cometative drive. My wife doesn't like this, I can tell. She does want the old me but deosn't realize the old me was a person who swept in every two days and took her to some wild party or to a water polo tournament in Europe and excited her. I think she married the wrong guy...

It's quite common for the very attributes that attact us to someone to begin with becoming the same things that drive us batty after a few years of marriage. She admired your drive and now it's making her nuts. People change and grow. Sometimes they change and grow together, sometimes one person changes without the other, sometimes they both change and grow apart. Marriage and relationships aren't static.

It sounds like you aren't happy with yourself now and she isn't happy with your relationship. I agree with Soz on the poker and the counseling.

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sozobe wrote:

I really agree with CJ's point about male/ female. I can't imagine that a woman who posted that she liked to watch her two favorite shows every weeknight -- an hour each -- and her husband refused to let her and demanded that she give it up or face divorce, and destroyed her clothes, and refused to go to counseling, would get the same reaction as mit is here.

You're wrong - at least where I'm concerned. If a woman worked 14 to 16 hour days and came home and watched tv for another 2 hours ....then had to get some sleep so she could get up and do it all over again - five days a week...you BET I'd say the same thing to her! This is nothing to do with gender.

As far as the destroying of clothes......... this is a serious issue. Again, regardless of gender. I do not condone some of the things his wife does to get him to spend time with her. (But I do understand her need for his companionship. )

And since they can't seem to work out their issues.......they need counseling - regardless of who started what or who is right and who is wrong. They are not growing together in this marriage - but instead are stagnating each other. Destroying not only the marriage - but destroying each other.

Like soz said.......get counseling by yourself if she will not go!

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LOL, Kicky!

It comes down to does he want to save his marriage or be single. He can play all the poker, waterpolo, soccer he wants when he gets divorced.

Mit, you said she married the wrong guy, I think maybe you shouldn't be married.

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I've been following this thread at work, just haven't had time to join in.

Mith, I don't think you are asking for too much, you need some time to yourself. That is not being selfish we all need time alone. It's what makes us individuals and helps us grow personally and or professionally.

However I do agree with lots of others, you and your wife need counseling, it seems to me communication and compromise is the issue here! What if any hobby does your wife have and when does she have time for it? Could you possibly schedule your hobbies at a certain time or day?
My husband and I work for the same company at different locations but we carpool to and from work and we have lunch together 2 to 3 days a week. We enjoy each others company and respect the others opinion at work and home (did I mention we are in the same filed) that helps. Very Happy

But every once in a while he goes into our home office or the garage to do whatever and I do my own thing. When he's ready he joins me or I ask if it's okay for me to hang out with him.

When you marry someone you do so with the intention that they will in a nutshell compensate or compliment your personality and I don't see how being demanding or destroying things can compliment anyone! It took me one 5 year marriage, two kids later and a NASTY 4 yr custody battle to understand and appreciate others opinion even if I don't like it. I do not wish Divorce upon even my worst enemy if you think what you are going thru is emotionally draining ...Divorce can be worse. Go to counseling on your own as others have suggested and if after you try to find a way to work it out your GUT tells you different then end the DRAMA and move on!

Best Wishes..

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My wife has gained about 50-60 pounds since we got married. This concerns me, but I still find her attractive and our physical relationship has never suffered, and I have never said a word to her about it, so if she was concerned about being a trophy wife, I think that's a bit off base.

Kicky- I have tried your tactic (short of throwing her stuff out), and it doesn't work. It may work with some women, but not with her. She has many ways to make my life miserable.

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That would only add to her insecurity there, mit. That you married her because of her beauty, and if she feels even that isn't a strength of hers anymore... (You don't need to have said anything about it for it to be a concern of hers.)

You still haven't replied to my twice-given suggestion -- I'm certainly ready to give you the benefit of the doubt but my sympathy is a bit diminished if you refuse to even consider it. Sometimes you have to concede the battle to win the war.

Do you want to stay married?

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mit2727 wrote:

My wife has gained about 50-60 pounds since we got married. This concerns me, but I still find her attractive and our physical relationship has never suffered, and I have never said a word to her about it, so if she was concerned about being a trophy wife, I think that's a bit off base.

You continue to reveal additional layers of the problem. Her weight gain is probably contributing to her insecurity. It doesn't sound like she is dealing with it in a healthy way, since she has restricted your gym time. Why won't she go to the gym with you? You get to work out .... she gets to work out ... and you spend time together doing it.

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Threatened with divorce once again- am I crazy?

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