SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES

Women's Joke:

What do they call that useless skin around the penis?

A man.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and
pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription."

that's a classic...

>John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his
> >wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had
already awakened
though,
> >and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the
kitchen.
> >
> >Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up,
John called his
little
> >boy into he room and asked him to take this note to
your beautiful
> >Mommy."
> >
> >The note read:
> >The Tent Pole Is Up,
> >The Canvas Is Spread,
> >The Hell With Breakfast,
> >Come Back To Bed.
> >
> >Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to take
this
> >to your silly Daddy.
> >
> >Her note read:
> >Take The Tent Pole Down,
> >Put The Canva s Away,
> >The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
> >No Circus Today.
> >
> >John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his
son
> >to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."
> >
> >His note read:
> >The Tent Pole's Still Up,
> >And The Canvas Still Spread,
> >So Drop What You're Doing,
> >And Come Give Me Some Head.
> >
> >Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked
her son to take
this
> >to the poor dude upstairs."
> >
> >Her note read:
> >I'm Sure That Your Pole's
> >The Best In The Land.
> >But I'm Busy Right Now,
> >Do It By Hand!

CAKE OR BED
>A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
>IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
>
>HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
>FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>I DON'T THINK SO.
>FINE,
>
>THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
>IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
>DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>I DON'T THINK SO
>FINE, SHE SAYS
>
>THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?
>THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
>I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.
>HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
>ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>I DON'T THINK SO.
>I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
>
>SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.
>
>HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
>
>AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
>AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
>
>AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
>HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
>
>SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
>JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
>AND I TOLD HIM.
>
>HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
>
>HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
>
>SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO....
>DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
>I DON'T THINK SO

The Semen Sample
A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help."

"She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even
tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
her knees, but still nothing".

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old Man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all 3 of us
tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open..."

***

Guts or Balls
The difference between Guts and Balls...

Guts

Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"?

Balls

Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say - "You're next"...

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches. Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners . And stopped
at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did theironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,ran the dishwasher,folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
> > >
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, ''Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things to theway they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
> >

Re: The Semen Sample

The Five Secrets Of A Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other...

Boiled Eggs...
She was in the kitchen, making boiled eggs for lunch.

He walks in and asks, "What's for lunch?"

She turns to him and says, "Nevermind lunch, just make love to me this very moment!"

He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they have sex.
~
Afterwards he asks, "So what was that all about?"

"The egg timer's broken..."

***

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

***

Its BBQ Season!
After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.




When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:




Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.




Here comes the important part:




4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.




More routine....




5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.




Important again:




7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.




More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.




And most important of all:




10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.




11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

***

12) The man wonders why the woman "isn't in the mood."

13) The man concludes it must be her time of the month... although it seems to occur at least 3 times a week now (sometimes 4).

14) The man shrugs it off, and gets himself a beer.

15) The woman gives herself an orgasm in 1/10th the time it takes the man to do it.

16) The woman falls asleep, dreaming of how she will spend their savings after she divorces him.

Marriage Counselor
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The
counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade,
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the
woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly
in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on
Friday I'm golfing..."

***

TOP TEN
The Top Ten Things Men Actually Understand About Women:

1
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

***

No. 4 is SOOO like me!

Technology at work...
A British company is developing computer chips which can store music in women's breast implants.

This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women complained that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them...

***