SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES

FBI Recruits
FBI Recruits

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what i! t takes. Take you wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.



The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."



Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women ALWAYS dance separately."



"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No,"

answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."



"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? Can we finally have sex?"



"Of course!" replies the rabbi." Sex is a mitzvah -a good thing within marriage, to have children!"



"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"



"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"



"Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"



"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"



"Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi."



"Why not?" asks the man.



"It could lead to dancing"

A tomato turns down a mushroom's request for a date.

The mushroom replies, "why not, I'm a fungi!"

I haven't read the entire thread, so stop me if you've heard this one...

The three stages of marriage

1.) The everywhere phase. You do it everywhere -- in the yard, in the sink, on the roof, in the car, etc.

2.) The bedroom phase. Things are settling down and the sexual activity takes place only in the bedroom.

3.) The hallway stage. You pass each other in the hall and say "Fock you."

Stolen from the cartoon strip "Shoe":

There are three keys to a successful marriage:

When it ends, hold on to the keys to the house, the car, and the safety deposit box.

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his
guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered
Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my
name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today
because of it."

"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you
never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said
the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no
need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must
repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a
favorable balance between good and evil, and you will
be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind.
But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over

>A young boy went up to his father and asked him,"Dad, what is the
> difference between potentially and realistically?"
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she
> would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your
> sister
> if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then ask your
> brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and
> tell me what you learn from that."
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
> Redford for a million dollars?"
>
> The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to
> fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
>
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
> for a million dollars?"
>
> The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
> a
> heartbeat, are you nuts?
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
> Cruise for a million dollars?"
>
> "Of course," the brother replied. Do you know how much a million could
> buy?"
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
> His
> father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and
> realistically?"
>
> The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
> million dollars but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a
> queer."

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

Big News: New Mint Flavored  Birth Control Pill   

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.
Have combined to market the new Mint flavored
birth control pill that women may take
immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug  
store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....


"Pre-dickamints."

-Three men appear before the Pearly Gates seeking admission to Heaven.The
> Keeper of the Gates tells them that the computers are down
> and,temporarily,only souls with special stories will be admitted. He asks
> the first one to describe the events leading to his demise. His story is
> as
> follows. He had a very weak heart and had to be careful not to exert
> himself, That mornng he left for work at the usual time, but, at about
> noon, he felt poorly, so he decided to go home early. When he arrived
> home,
> he found his wife in bed under the sheet and he could tell that she was
> naked. Then he saw on the chair next to the bed a set of men's clothing
> that he knew was not his.
>
> In a rising furor he started searching for the man to whom the clothes
> belonged. He looked under the bed, in all the other rooms, in all the
> closets,everwhere -but no man. Then he stepped onto the balcony of his
> 19th
> floor apartment and there he saw ten fingers clutching the end of the
> balcony. This must the guy; and he started to pound on the fingers with
> his
> fists, but the guy would not let go. He stomped on the fingers and the guy
> would still not let go. Then he got a hammer, smashed the fingers and the
> guy finally let go. He looked over the balcony and saw that the guy had
> been saved by several canopies on his way down. The guy was injured but
> not
> dead. This so infuriated the supposedly cuckolded one that he went to the
> kitchen, dragged the refrigerator onto the balcony and toppled it over the
> edge. The effort caused a massive heart attack and he died.
>
> The Keeper of the Gates said that this was a most interesting story and he
> could pass through the gates.
>
> The Keeper now asks the second guy for his story which is as follows: He
> was doing his usual exercises on the balcony of his 20th floor apartment
> when he accicentally slipped and toppled over the edge. He thought he was
> lucky when he was able to grap onto the balcony of the apartment below
> him.
> However, this maniac came out and started pounding on his fingers, then
> stomping and finally, smashing them with a hammer so that he had to let
> go.
> On the way down he hit several canopies so that his fall was cushioned
> before he hit the ground. He thought he was saved, but then he looked up
> and saw this refrigerator hurtling down upon him. That's how he died.
>
> The Keeper said this was another interesting storyand let the second guy
> through.
>
> The Keeper turns to the third guy and asks for story of his death. The guy
> says "I dunno. There I was naked, squeezed into this
> refrigerator..................."
>

> Boudreaux the Cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his
> wife:
> "Mais, Cher, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1
> rings - we put on de jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3
> rings - we jump on de engine 'n we's ready ta go. From now on, when I says
> 'Bell one' I wan' you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two' you jump on
> de
> bed. When I says 'Bell tree' we gonna mek love all tru de night."
>
> The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked,
> 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make
> love.
>
> After a few minutes the wife yelled out, "Bell Four".
>
> "What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
>
> She said, "Roll out more hose, Boudreaux,! you ain't nowhere near de
> fire!"
>

>> An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her doctor to ask his help in
>> reviving her husband's sex drive.
>>
>> "What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.
>> "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin"
>>
>> "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee." "He
>> won't
>> even taste it." "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
>> things went."
>>
>> A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to
>> progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
>> 'Twas
>> horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."
>>
>> "Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.
>>
>> "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The
>> effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a
>> twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one
>> swoop of
>> his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
>> tatters
>> and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on
>> the
>> tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
>>
>> "Why so terrible?", asked the doctor." Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"
>>
>> "Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25
>> years.
>> But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again
>
>

WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.!

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever exc use or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot." when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

***

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology... and send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh...

My mother is a Cherokee Indian. She always used to tell me, "I brought you into this world and by God I can take you out." or the ever useful "I oughtta kill you and tell God you died."

This never meant that my death would result, but that she meant serious business where my behavior was concerned.

And believe me, if there was ever a champion guilt tripper, she's it.

Oh, Yeah!

Chinese couple are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. Wife tells her husband, "for anniversary, you have anything you want."

"Anything?" husband inquired.

"Anything," wife says.

"Ok, I want 69," replies husband.

Confused, wife says "you want beef and brocolli?"

Slappy
When you tell that joke out loud do you use a chinese accent?

I do, it makes it more flavorful.

Of course I do.

It does come out flavorful...like General Gau.

Atta boy! Just checking, I wanted to make sure there wasn't a Bostonian walking around butchering perfectly good jokes.