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SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES

 
 
bigdice67
 
  1  
Reply Thu 28 Aug, 2003 07:58 am
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.'
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
'Where are you?' the man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh yeah?' the man asked....
'And where the hell were you when I got married?'
0 Replies
 
Misti26
 
  1  
Reply Fri 29 Aug, 2003 09:26 pm
Laughing Rolling Eyes Crying or Very sad
0 Replies
 
Rose
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2003 08:09 pm
My husband and I are getting ready for bed. I am standing
in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at myself.
"You know " (I say), "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my
waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms
are all flabby."
I turned to my husband and said....
"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says
"Well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

Rolling Eyes Evil or Very Mad
0 Replies
 
Eastree
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Oct, 2003 11:03 am
A family went to the zoo one spring morning. When they were approaching the elephants, the wife asked her husband to go to the snack bar and get them all ice cream, and he was on his way. Well, a moment later thir five-year-old son said "Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

The mom said "That's its trunk, dear. It's the elephant's nose."

"No, mommy, the thing UNDER the elephant!"

The mom looked only to see the male elephant sniffing the bars of the female pen, and fully erect. "That? That's nothing, dear -- nothing."

A moment later, the man returned and his wife said she was headed to the rest room. The boy asked, "Daddy, see that elephant over there? what's that thing under its tummy?"

The dad said, "Well," said the dad, "That's its peepee."

To that, the boy replied, "O ... Mommy said it's nothing"

The dad said "**sigh** I spoil that woman!"



======================================

An old woman goes to the store, and picks up a lot of cocoa, and a huge bottle of Viagra from the pharmacy. When she gets to the counter, the cashier can't help but ask. "Why does someone your age want to worry about Viagra?"

"O, dear, it's not for me. You see, my husband and I are getting old. It gets difficult to go to sleep at night with arthritic joints, and your coordination goes out the window. So every night, I give my husband a cup of hot cocoa to help him sleep and a viagra to keep him from rolling out of bed."
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Oct, 2003 04:41 pm
......




>50 Years Together


>


>Goldberg and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. The


>three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as
the


>parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the old folks


>house.


>


>Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like
wine:


>


>"Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed son # 1..."I'm sorry I'm running


>late...had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is, and I
didn't have time


>to stop to get you guys a present!"


>


>"Not to worry!" said the old man..."The important thing is, we're
together!"


>


>Son #2 came rushing in. "POPS! you're lookin' good! And MOM! you're
still


>beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a big deal!


>Came straight from the airport, and didn't have time to buy you a


>gift...I'm so sorry!"


>


>"It's nothing," said Goldberg...we're together, that's the main
thing!"


>


>Daughter: "Mom, Dad, the firm is shipping me to Europe for a


>conference....I gotta run as soon as din-din's over...didn't have
time for a shopping


>trip!"


>


>Goldberg sighed, "I don't care, we just like being together!"


>


>Halfway through the meal, Goldberg, in a reflective mood,
said.."Listen,


>you three...Something's been on my mind, and I want to tell you about


>it.....your Momma and I...well, we came to this country during the
war, penniless,


>desperate... and in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we never got


>around to getting married....we just knew we loved each other, and
after a few


>years, it didn't seem important, so...."


>


>The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, "DAD! You
mean...you


>mean to say...we're...BASTARDS?"


>


>"YEAH, and CHEAP ones, too!" retorted the old man.
0 Replies
 
Eastree
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Oct, 2003 05:33 am
A man goes to a doctor, and says, "My wife and I are getting old -- but I'm worried my wife's hearing is starting to go. Either that or she ignores me all the time. What do I do?"

The doctor replied, "Walk up behind her one day and ask a question. If she doesn't answer, step closer and ask again. This will give you your answer."

So the man goes home, and waits until his wife is cooking breakfast the next morning. He stands behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for breakfast?" And he waits. After a moment, he hears no reply so he steps a little closer and says, "What's for breakfast, Honey?" Once again there's no reply. So the man stands right behind his wife and asks, "What are you making fir breakfast?"

His wife turns around and says, "Pancakes and sausage for the third time, you deaf old f***!"
0 Replies
 
Ceili
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Oct, 2003 04:12 pm
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own f**king blanket."
0 Replies
 
K VEE SHANKER
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Oct, 2003 10:16 am
TOO DIFFERENT FOR MARRIAGE
Dear Mr.LarryBs,
You've compiled good jokes.I enjoyed them.Here's my humble contribution.

A father introduced a man to his daughter and suggested to find his suitablity for marriage.So, the girl talked to the man and was obviously perturbed after the meeting.She furiously asked her "How on earth you suggested him.He is of different country,different culture,different status,different background and on top of it",she gasped.

The father was sorry but urged his daughter to tell the last straw.

She wishpered in low voice,"He is even sexually different father"!
0 Replies
 
Fedral
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Oct, 2003 11:54 am
Just a few jokes about my favorite type of people on the planet ........ WOMEN.

Keep in mind all you ladies out there .... We joke because we love Very Happy

Why does a bride wear white on her wedding day?

So the guy's new dishwasher will match his stove and refrigerator!

_______________________________________________________

Ten Things Men Know About Women

1.)

2.)

3.)

4.)

5.)

6.)

7.)

8.)

9.)

10.) They have breasts.

___________________________________________________

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.
____________________________________________________


What Is A Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion They're tiny women in little fur coats.

__________________________________________________

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've been good my entire life. I've never been with a man.Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2003 07:35 am
>>>JEWISH MOTHER
>>>>
>>>>Mrs. Schwartz comes to visit her son Lenny for
>>>>dinner, who lives with a
>>>>female roommate Vicki.
>>>>During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't
>>>>help but notice how
>>>>pretty Lenny's roommate was.
>>>>She had long been suspicious of a relationship
>>>>between the two, and this
>>>>had only made her more curious.
>>>>Over the course of the evening, while watching the
>>>>two interact,
>>>>she started to wonder if there was more between
>>>>Lenny and his roommate
>>>>than met the eye.
>>>>Reading his mom's thoughts, Lenny volunteered, "I
>>>>know what
>>>>you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vicki and I
>>>>are just roommates."
>>>>
>>>>About a week later, Vicki came to Lenny saying,
>>>>"Ever since your
>>>>mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
>>>>silver sugar bowl.
>>>>You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
>>>>Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be
>>>>sure." So he sat down and
>>>>wrote:
>>>>
>>>>Dear Mom:
>>>>I'm not saying that you "did"! take the sugar bowl
>>>>from my house,
>>>>I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the
>>>>fact remains
>>>>that it has been missing ever since you were here
>>>>for dinner.
>>>>Love,
>>>>Lenny
>>>>
>>>>The next day, Lenny received a response email from
>>>>his Mom which read:
>>>>
>>>>Dear Son:
>>>>I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vicki, and
>>>>I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
>>>>But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
>>>>OWN bed,
>>>>she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
>>>>Love, Mom
>>>>
>>>>Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your
>>>>Mother...especially if she is
>>>>Jewish!
0 Replies
 
bigdice67
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Nov, 2003 09:28 am
Another nice list!

ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON :

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
0 Replies
 
Equus
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Nov, 2003 01:51 pm
Mama Bear and Papa Bear were getting a divorce. The only question that remained was who would get custody of Baby Bear.

So the Court asked Baby Bear if he wanted to stay with Mama Bear. "OH NO!" said Baby Bear, "She beats me every day."

Then the Court asked Baby Bear if he wanted to stay with Papa Bear. "OH NO! said Baby Bear, "He beats me even worse than Mama Bear!"

"Then is there a relative who you would rather live with than either Mama Bear or Papa Bear?" asked the judge.

"Yes- my Auntie Bear, in Illinois."

"Why do you prefer Auntie Bear? asked the judge.

"Because everybody knows Chicago Bears don't beat anybody!"
0 Replies
 
bigdice67
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Nov, 2003 11:29 am
Very nice! :-)
0 Replies
 
Misti26
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Nov, 2003 10:28 pm
Laughing Shocked Laughing
0 Replies
 
coffee sloth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 29 Nov, 2003 12:21 pm
Short version
Three mothers were discussing their sons. Mrs Smith bragged about how her som was a successful auto dealer. Mrs Jones bragged how her son owned a successful swimming pool installation and maintenence business.

Mrs Anderson just said, "My son stil works at McDonald's. And he's gay. BUT at least one of his boyfriends gave him a nice new car and another boyfriend built him a pool!"
0 Replies
 
K VEE SHANKER
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Nov, 2003 05:08 am
au1929 wrote:
>>>JEWISH MOTHER
>>>Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your
>>>>Mother...especially if she is
>>>>Jewish!


This's really a good joke.But,I don't understand the significance of being Jewish.
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Nov, 2003 05:16 am
K.VEE....I suspect Indian mothers are much the same when it comes to their children.
0 Replies
 
K VEE SHANKER
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Nov, 2003 05:28 am
INDIAN MOTHERS
cavfancier wrote:
K.VEE....I suspect Indian mothers are much the same when it comes to their children.


I Agree.And I Agree for all the mothers of the World.
0 Replies
 
Equus
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Nov, 2003 10:30 am
Jewish mothers are stereotyped as being very controlling, using guilt to manipulate their children.
0 Replies
 
K VEE SHANKER
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Nov, 2003 10:51 am
Controlling and Manipulating
Equus wrote:
Jewish mothers are stereotyped as being very controlling, using guilt to manipulate their children.


Idea Thank you Equus for the explanation.But, don't all parents, teachers and preachers do that ?
0 Replies
 
 

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