SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES

My mother does and she is very good with guilt and manipulation. She is also nosy, and argumentative. She is jewish so, I was not offended by the joke. But maybe everyone's mom is like that. My mom will always go into the "Well, I'm sorry I gave you the most precious gift of all... The gift of life... "

Yes. Jewish mothers are especially known for it. I don't defend the stereotype, just reporting it.

The ethnicity of the mother in question really has no effect on the humour value of the joke. It was still funny.

A couple realized their child was getting old enough to understand what tey were talking about, so they decided to use code words for sex. A few days later, the husband asked his wife, "Do you want to help me do the laundry?"

"I have a headache," she siad.

The next day, it was the same. In fact, things went the same for a couple weeks. "I have a headache" "I don't have enough detergent (their word for energy)" and the like.

Well, one day the wife realized that it had been a while, and her husband had stopped asking. So she approached him and said as sweetly as she could, "Honey, how about a quick load of laundry?"

"Nah," he said. "It was a small load. I did it by hand."

HANDICAPPED PARROT
>
> A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little Perch.
> It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?
>
> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy
crap,"the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
>
> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
> intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
>
> Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
>
> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
>
> I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see
it because of my feathers."
>
> "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
>
> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be
a great companion."
>
> The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
>
> "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20,just make the
guy an offer!"
>
> The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot
is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great
pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

> The guy is delighted.
>
> One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
> "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. I don't know if
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
>
> "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
>
> "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
>
> "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
>
> "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
>
> "Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
>
> "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss
her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
>
> "WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
>
> (scroll down)
>
> "Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch! "

A nice Joke

It's too bad avian anatomy makes this impossible. Sorry to be a party pooper.

Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?

A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...

The Red Head

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye "

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves orgasm. Since a
Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the
following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
earsplitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man
and says to him triumphantly:

You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Blind Date

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest /

10. "Before we kiss, I should warn you that I might taste a bit like trout"

9. "Where shall we eat? Keeping in mind this electronic ankle bracelet allows me a 2-mile radius"

8. "If this goes well my dad wants to go out with you too"

7. "Excuse me, one of the voices in my head is trying to tell me something"

6. "Do you want to know how to say your name in Klingon?"

5. "You may recognize me as the 8 of Diamonds"

4. "Wanna come back to my place and make phone calls on behalf of the Kucinich campaign?"

3. "Once my divorce with Liza is final, I'm all yours"

2. "Do you mind if we make love in front of this webcam?"

1. "That'll be $300"

This old timer is sitting on the dock, fishing, when suddenly a frog jumps out of the water and sits by him.
The old guy stares at the frog and the frog says, "Hello"

The old guy's head snaps back in amazement.

"Don't be frightened", says the frog, "I am under a spell. If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and in appreciation of you breaking the spell I will give you the greatest sex you've ever had. So, c'mon, kiss me, and prepare yourself for some hot sex."

The old guy reaches down, picks up the frog, and puts it into his shirt pocket as he starts walking home.

"Aren't you going to kiss me? asks the frog.

"At my age" says the old timer, "I'd rather have a talking frog."

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about the get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circuilation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds".
Jacob: "Medicine for rheuramatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course".
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes a large variety. The works".
Jacob: How about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely".
Jacob: "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes".
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal
Registry".

The Temptation

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Au,very very good!

> > > A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
> their
> > > bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds
> > > him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of
> him.
> >
> > > He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches
> as
> > > he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
> > > "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room,
> "Why
> > > are you down here at this time of night?".
> > >
> > > The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when
> > > we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is
> > touched
> > > to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
> > >
> > > "Yes I do" she replies.
> > > The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
> > > when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
> > >
> > > "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
> > him.!
> > > The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
> > > in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you
> to
> > > jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
> > >
> > > He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have
gotten
> > out today."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' ....and she's always sound asleep.

Bill pilled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work, and Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

A dirty joke
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.
The first old women told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. "Gladys!" he exclaimed, "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"