SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES

A woman took her jeans off, threw it at her boyfriend and said:
"Make me feel like a woman!"
The boy took off his own jeans, threw it at her and said:
"WASH BOTH!"

The following are replies that some southern women have put on child support
agency forms in the section used to list information about the father.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins: child A, was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but
I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party for NASCAR drivers where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you please send me
his phone number? PS: I think his car color was black and white. Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
Chevrolet pickup that now has a hole made by my Hi-heels in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact local Chevrolet dealers in this area and
see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Billy
Graham confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have catastrophe implications for the
economy in the South. I am torn between doing right by you, and right by the
state. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all Rednecks look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a wearing a T-shirt with a Coors logo
on it.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates, it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World
in Florida- maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Mrs. Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed home and watched more TV rather than going to the party on the
beach, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A couple had two children, a boy and a girl, who both turned out to be gay. At first they remained closeted, but they were both musicians, and when they found themselves quasi-famous, they feared being exposed in the press and decided it was better if they were forthcoming about their sexuality. The daughter has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon in which she plans to introduce her life partner to the press and tell the world she's a lesbian. And the son'll come out tomorrow

Together...
A young woman married and had 13 children.

Then her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, this husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and

said, " Lord, they're finally together. "

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

***

A beer before it starts
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop yourfat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it started..."

***

Non-Living Things...
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender...

For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.


2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while
to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.


3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.


4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.


5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.


6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.


7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.


8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.


9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.


10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

***

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a
>> fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love
>> and didn't notice."

Husband (speaking to wife): "Your boobs are too small, and your box is too tight."

Wife: "Get off my back!"

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
>> wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women
>> replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Socrates said, "My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next
>> day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
>> "You can have mine."

Satt, does that include women?

> SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
>
> Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
> "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
> "Social Security sex?"
> "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> LOUD SEX:
>
> A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
> doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
> ear splitting yell."
>
> "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
> the problem is."
>
> "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> QUIET SEX
>
> Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
> during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
> have an orgasm?"
> She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> CONFOUNDED SEX
>
> A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
> from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
> back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since
> it was considered cosmetic The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
> "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
>
> The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
> to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called
> his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back
> into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
>
> "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
>
> The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
>
> A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
> wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
> headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever'."
>
> "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
> Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> WOMEN'S HUMOR
>
> My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make
you
> happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted
> it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old
> husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing
> him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment...killing
> him instantly.
>
> Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she
> had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I
> figured that at 92 if he could have sex...he could fly

I don't know if this is true or not.



Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles
in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked about ten paces behind their
husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now
walked several paces behind their wives. Ms Walters approached
one of the Afghani women and said. "This is marvelous. Can you
tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this
reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the woman

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a
cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls
over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

:-)

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

My name is Caroline

(the sound is all the way up, so adjust accordingly...)