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SEX, MARRIAGE, & RELATIONSHIPS JOKES

 
 
LarryBS
 
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2003 03:55 am
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 23,475 • Replies: 141
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LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 Feb, 2003 03:58 am
40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Mar, 2003 05:48 am
BUYING CONDOMS

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Mar, 2003 05:51 am
A MAN MEETS A GENIE

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 04:00 am
A woman went to her doctor. Said she, "I'm rather worried about my husband".

The doctor urged her to say more.

"Well, he thinks he is a refrigerator" she continued.

"How old is he?"

"Sixty-four"

"Think nothing of it" said the doc., "men of that age often feel a little confused and have imaginary thoughts"

"Thank you, doctor, if you think all is OK, that makes me feel better".

As she went out of the door, she came back with, "One more thing, he sleeps with his mouth open at night, and the little light inside keeps me awake."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 04:12 am
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his
coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra
pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her
sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 04:13 am
I Need a Male Pharmacist

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no
males employed there. She then asked if there was something
she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but
I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you
could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go
talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3
ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 04:17 am
A wife comes home and says to her husband, "I am moving to
Las Vegas - I hear you can get $400 for sex". The husband
runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says "I'm
coming along to see this!"

"Why?" asks the wife, "Why would you come to Las Vegas with
me?"

Husband replies, "Because I've gotta see you live on $800 a
year!"
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 09:05 am
>A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules.
>
> It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel.
>
> There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
>
>
>In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
>
>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
>
>To: My Loving Wife
>From: Your Departed Husband
>Subject: I've Arrived!
>
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that
>everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>
> P.S. It sure is hot down here!
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 08:38 pm
One day, three men out hiking unexpectedly came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a boat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed, with the words, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and the intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 09:15 pm
au1929: Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
pueo
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Mar, 2003 11:21 pm
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Mar, 2003 11:45 am
The Vibrator
The Vibrator

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door she
heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the
world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from
the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room
he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close
as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing
noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the
TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband
replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Mar, 2003 11:20 pm
Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
bigdice67
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Mar, 2003 09:46 am
;-):-);-).-)
0 Replies
 
Slappy Doo Hoo
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Mar, 2003 10:01 am
A woman was in line at the supermarket. Guy behind her looks down at her eggs, milk, shampoo, and chicken, looks up at her, and says "you must be single."
Pondering how he knew that simply by looking at her items, she said, "I am...how did you know?"

"Because you're fvcking ugly" he said.
0 Replies
 
LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Mar, 2003 08:34 pm
Another subtle masterpiece, slappy. Laughing Laughing
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Mar, 2003 06:08 am
A Small Dose
A SMALL DOSE

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store
and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen.
I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through sex.

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years
old and I don't even think about sex anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes...
0 Replies
 
marycat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 25 Mar, 2003 09:38 pm
Warning: PG-13 content to follow...

A young woman and a young man were very much in love, and decided to get married.

Standing at the altar, the best man noticed the groom wearing the biggest, silliest grin he'd ever seen. In a curious whisper, he asked why.

The reply, "Oh, man, I'm gonna love married life, she just gave me the best blowjob ever!"

As the bride was walking down the aisle, her maid of honor noticed that she was also wearing a huge silly grin. Curious, she asked why.

"Oh, it's great. I'm going to love being married. I just gave my last blowjob ever!"
0 Replies
 
bigdice67
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2003 03:27 am
ROFLMAO!!!
0 Replies
 
 

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