MISCELLANEOUS JOKES

Panzade- loved the violin jokes.

This was on Prairie Home companion this weekend:

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
-- A flat miner.

What do you call someone who you expect is of Hispanic descent, but you're not sure?


Span.....ish.


( I made that one up at work )

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked
you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it
on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not
looking up
from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now
don't
be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and
growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles
demurely
and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it
did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,
well,
you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so
that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now,
dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You
never
wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking".

This from page one. I know what you are getting at, but the final two words really should be, "She beams."

And Anna didn't get any of hubby one's money either, so how is she wealthy?

Kelly

A couple more jokes.
Dunno if they've already been posted but heres a coupe of my favourite jokes:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.



A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' '

> Subject:YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE JEWISH TO LAUGH AT THIS ONE.
> Goldberg was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
> there
> is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
>
> Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how about
> Tom
> Cruise?"
>
> "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Goldberg
> and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
> enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your
> friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
>
> Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
> Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise
> was
> just lucky.
>
> "No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.
>
> "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
>
> "Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". And off
> they go.
>
> At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and
> his
> boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
> meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee
> first, and catch up."
>
> Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally
> convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his
> doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The
> Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a
> long
> time." So off they fly to Rome.
> Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
> Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among
> all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
> upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he
> disappears
> into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
>
> Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the Pope on the
> balcony. But by the time Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had
> a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
>
> Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"
>
> His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
> out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, Who's that
> on
> the balcony with Goldberg?"

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

It's old, but still damn good!
Welcome to able2know, JP!

Texan is visiting Mexico. He arrives at a small town which has a bullring. He goes into a restaurant for dinner and finds a table.
While waiting for a waiter to bring him a menu he notices the fellow at the next table eating his meal with immense enjoyment. So when the waiter comes, the Texan waves off the menu and asks the waiter to bring him the same dish that the fellow at the next table is eating. The waiter tells him that that particular dish is served only once each evening and the fellow at the next table is already eating it.
The Texan is disappointed and orders something else but asks the waiter to save that dish for him for the next evening. The waiter promises.
The Texan arrives the next evening and is warmly greeted by the waiter who tells him that the dish has been saved for him as promised. The dish is served;the Texan eats it and finds it truly delicious.
When the check is presented, the Texan tells the waiter how much he enjoyed it, but he asks why the portion served to him was so much smaller than the portion served the previous night.
The waiter replies "You must know, Senor, that sometime the bull wins"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him? It all had to do with the shuffle of the cards!"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"Okay, but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

My significant other, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring

the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his

forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?

He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.

But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

As a man nearing the age of 65 plus a few months, I went to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time, I got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. I will have to go home and come back later.


The woman said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." and I opened my shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and processed my social security application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the social security office.

She said: "You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability too

Two businessmen were on a six-hour flight from New York to London. Partway into the flight, the captain announced, "I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but one of our our four engines has quit working. There's nothing to worry about, but we will be getting into London about two hours late."
"D*** the luck," said one businessman.
Shortly afterward, the captain announced again, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid we've lost another engine. We'll be getting into London five hours late."
"G** d*** it!" said the businessman.
Sure enough, a short time later, the captain announced, "We've lost power in a third engine. I'm afraid we'll be getting into London eight hours late now."
"D*** it!" said the businessman. "If that fourth engine blows, we'll be up here ALL DAY!"

How many freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to hold the penis.
....I MEANT LADDER

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and The lager,
Forever and ever,
Barman

Q) What is the german version of alice in wonderland?

A) Fatemah in Aldi

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and
pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription.