MISCELLANEOUS JOKES

Phoenix, that is TOO much!

(a bunch I collected- probably repeats, but maybe someone will get a chuckle)

The Little Girl's Fire Truck

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon has little ladders on the sides and a garden hose coiled in the middle. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl said.

The fire fighter took a closer look and noticed the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to her cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."



A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.


An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. He called
her doctor to make an appointment to have

her hearing checked. The Doctor
said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple,
informal test the

husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the
dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet

away
from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and

so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the
living

room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away . . . let's
see
what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No

response. So he moves to
the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for
supper?" No

response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for
supper?" No

response.

On to the kitchen door, ten feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
STILL no response.

So he

walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"


A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ..."Get this" ...

fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment

on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars

in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the

cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued... .. AND WON

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since

the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it

would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to

compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company

accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

BUT WHAT COMES

AROUND...

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... On 24 counts of arson!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted

of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!

I suppose there's

justice in there somewhere...This is a true story from the "Legal Times".

The Queen & President Bush!
The Queen & President Bush!
>
>
> At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air
> Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a
> warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a
> silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the
> edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach
> pulled by six magnificent white
> matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking
> sideways and waving to the thousands of
> cheering Britons. So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right
> rear horse lets fly with the most
> horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard
> in the British Empire and so
> powerful that it shakes the coach.
> Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their
> best to ignore the incident. But,
> embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it. "Mr.
> President, please accept my regrets. I'm
> sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can
> control."
>
> Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please
> don't give the matter another
> thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it
> was one of the horses!"

(I can't remember if this has been posted or not)


The Urinal's too High...

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by
two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the
bathroom it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one -
holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their
clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th."

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding
Silver Arrow in the 4th
but thanks for the lift."

Au, that's very good but you forgot to mention the secret service guys who at the sudden equine anal explosion dumped in their pants as they grabbed their guns

What do blondes and 747s have in common?
They both have a black box.

Some nasty crude jokes:


What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden Retriever

When's a pixie not a pixie?
When it's got its head up a fairys skirt then it's a-goblin

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse

: Alligator shoes



A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a

pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to

pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very

frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the

blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can

get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'


Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps set on catching

herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when

he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She

takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to

the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead gators.


The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the

alligator on it's back and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one is

barefoot too!'

You know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
--If it eats you, it was a crocodile. If it beats you to death with its tail, it was an alligator.

That's pretty good.

And you know how to tell a mushroom from a toadstool? You use your nose. If you stop breathing, it was a toadstool.

No thanks Equus! -------

Try cold water:


Does Cold Water Clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very
secluded,
rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his
grandfather prepared him a breakfast of eggs and bacon. He noticed
a film-like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather--
"are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "those plates are as clean as cold water
can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made
for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance resembling dried egg yokes....so he asked again--"Are
you SURE these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said, "I
told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper,
the dog growled and wouldn't let him pass-- "Grandfather, your dog won't
let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game, his
Grandfather shouted,

MOVE IT, COLDWATER!!!!

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right),
an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president
was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

THE GOLDEN SCREW
Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus never made any friends.

One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to
Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when he woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed ...... and his ass fell off.

A farmer had five female pigs and,as times were
hard, he had determined to take them to the county
fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned
five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided
to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another
and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a
field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs
got up at 5am., loaded the pigs into the family
station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had,
and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other
farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant....if
they're in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so
he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family
station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning the following week
until one morning the farmer was so tired that he
couldn't get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside
and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the
field."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station
wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Ever faced with the puzzling task of converting
measurements? Here's a handy guide to some lesser-known problems:

* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
* Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup: won ton
* One millionth of a cup of mouthwash: one microscope
* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: one bananosecond
* One thousand aches: one megahurtz
* Basic unit of laryngitis: one hoarsepower
* Shortest distance between two jokes: a straight line
* Two thousand mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
* One thousand grams of wet socks: one literhosen
* One millionth of a fish: one microfiche
* One trillion pins: one terrapin

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius???. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

Beer
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

Welcome Lenny - through gritted teeth....

LOlz