MISCELLANEOUS JOKES

Watching as usual ;-)

Did you hear about that big shipping accident yesterday? A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. The survivors were marooned.

HEADLINES of 2052

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun"

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams

Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays

Price check on Tampax

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when
the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the
store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the
store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb
or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

Actually, our motto here in Kansas is
KANSAS: fastest way to get to Colorado.

That is one long drive, east to west. I was surprised by Kansas, expecting flat nothingness, but I thought it was a very pretty state, the rolling hills and farmland.

Hey, Zonker dude - quick view of the onliners reveals you and me. Thought I was clogging up the 'Latest Posts'.

Nothing like an exciting Friday night!

And this is NOTHING like an exciting Friday night!!

You must be on Satuday afternoon by now? Can't remember the time difference.

I'm in an Net/Games Cafe. I'm the only one over the age of 19 using the Net, the rest are teens playing shoot-em-ups and swearing at the tops of their voices. Not the view of cyberspace I imagined.

Yep Saturday night, close to 8pm.

(feel free to read the posts in reverse order).

Is it really midnight in FL?

I said Friday night, but its actually Saturday morning - 4:13 am.

16 hours difference, I think.

I was surfing around the net, and came across this caveat at the end of a website. It just struck me funny!

A panda goes into a restaurant and orders a pizza and a beer, eats the pizza and then produces a gun from his pocket, firing five shots into the ceiling. The panda then runs away. Armed police surround the area and eventually arrest the panda.

"Hey," says the police chief, "what's the meaning of this outrage?"
"I'm a panda," says the panda.
"So?" says the police chief.
"Go look it up in the dictionary. That will explain exactly why I did what I did."
The police chief looks up "panda" in the dictionary. The dictionary entry reads:

"Panda: a bear-like mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."