As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers
in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,
"What's wrong honey?" "Mommy, where's my booger?"
I is not me in the last joke
doughboy
I understand that the Pillsbury Doughboy died--of a yeast infection
and did he raise from the dead?
doubhboy
Dyslexia. What a delicious Easter joke. You've resurrected my spirits.
If you have food poisoning, he may not raise from the dead, but he'll certainly come back.
Aw, I liked the other avatar.
yeah
Equus, by "come back" do you mean "repeat"?
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Loved it, phoenix!!!!
Man who snifs coke, will drown!
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle aged Italian woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that
seat." The Italian woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and
said, "You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see
my little Pogo is using that seat?"
*
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another
trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the
dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The Italian woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat.
The Italian woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the
aisle spoke up indignantly, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have
a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now,
sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Don't Mess With This Lady
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
MISCELLANEOUS JOKES
Father was surprised while washing car when little daughter came out and asked what sex was. He sat her down and calmly explained it. She started to enter the house when he asked why she had asked.
"Oh yeah" she said "Mom said dinner would be ready in 30 secs."
URINAL CHAT
URINAL CHAT
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thingie in 15 years".
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"
jokes
SECS and DIET: dee-lightful.
herd one on the radio yesterday
A southern (US) lady and a northern lady were seated next to each other in a plkane
"Where are you-all flying to?" asks the southern lady
'Its not proper to end a sentence with a preposition" said the northern lady
'Im sorry" said the southern lady". Then. where you-all flying to.....bitch"
THE BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER
The Benefits of Growing Older
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
! - Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. (NEVER)
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- People who call at 9 P.M. ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You send money to PBS.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- Your ears are more hairy than your head.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You bought cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
AND
- People send you this list . . .
Bet that you Never Knew
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(Maybe pork is good. You are what you eat)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home......only at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the f...?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond or the Mississippi?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(What, do they walk on their tongues)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, it's 4 1/2 years ?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
( Who the hell was paid to figure that out? Who hired him / her?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(9 years...Or, can they fish with both paws?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(Oh, and not the pig??)
it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this around.
