MISCELLANEOUS JOKES

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Do you want to go ride bikes?

Subject: Fwd: git yo momma



A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

> The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
>
> The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
>
> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
>
> The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....

The tribe sent the young lad to school so he could learn crafts to help the tribe. When he returned the chief met with him. The first thing he wanted done was to put electricity in the outhouses. The lad laughed. Angry the chief asked why he was laughing. He replied "It'll be the first time I ever wired a head for a reservation."

There were three Native American women in a small tribe that all gave birth on the same day. The first Native American woman gave birth on a buffalo skin, and had a beautiful baby boy.
The second Native American woman gave birth on an elk skin, and also wound up with a baby boy.
The third Native American woman gave birth on a hippopotamus skin, and she gave birth to TWIN boys.
The moral of the story is, "The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

jokes from the new genderuntold
Hi. My name is Peregrine. I'm new (June 2003) and I got some jokes:
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The pen is mightier than the sword. . . Except, of course, in a sword fight.
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"How the hell does she know?"javascript:emoticon('')javascript:emoticon('')javascript:emoticon('')
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Hi peregrine! welcome to a2k, have fun, and check this site out, it rocks!!!

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in
the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

________________________________________________

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if
he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped
away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing
happily through town and asked him, "How's the
girl friend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
> >____________________________________________


LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods
when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said,
"Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Re! d Riding Hood calmly reached into
her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and
pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the
book."
> >_____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court
and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your
wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said
she's f**king
Goofy."
>
>_______________________________________________________

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so
she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back,
and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to
me!"
> > _______________________________________________

Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
>
>_____________________________________________________

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. ! She was very
attracted to him and during her questions about his
life she asked him how he managed to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex
was and
he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong
but I will show you how to do it properly." She took
off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread
her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then
gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled
around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking
for bees," said Tarzan.

Have you noticed those billboards near casinos that say "Have a gambling problem? Call XXX-XXXX?"

Those people are of no use whatsover. I called 'em up the other day and said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer is showing a seven. Should I stand or hit?"

)

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S 21 BEST ONE LINERS

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a
boy I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said,
"Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody
was home.


3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a
hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw
a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey
buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you
came home early.

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ...
put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my
briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the
sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath
toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never
breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me
as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a
picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the
waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We
did everything we could but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...
AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and
they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He
said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and
asked him to help me find my parents. I said to
him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "
I don't know kid. There's so many places they can
hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people
kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like
throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have
a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked
him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told
me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in
every room he leaves a pyramid.... His favorite
bone is in my arm.... Last night he went on the paper
four times, three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy
for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting
in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Equus! Loved that one!!!

Like this one;

Doc: Do you have a problem with alcohol?
Patient: No, only without it.

Equus, thanks for the tribe joke! I've been trying to remember that one for years....

A guy goes into a shop and says: "I'd like some Polish sausage please." The storekeeper asks him: "Are you Polish?" The man is incensed. "What are you, some kind of racist? If I had come in here asking for Italian bread, would you ask me if I was Italian? What if I wanted a Greek salad, would you ask me if I was Greek?"

The shopkeeper said "No, I wouldn't."

"Then why are you asking me if I'm Polish just because I want some Polish sausage?"

"Well, because this is the hardware store."



An Englishman, and Italian and a Newfie are all working construction on a skyscraper. They sit down on a girder for lunch. The Englishman opens his lunch and says "Phwaugh! Fish and chips again...if me wife makes fish and chips one more time, I'm chucking myself off the building."

The Italian opens his lunch. "Mamma mia....spaghetti and meatballs again. If she makes this one more time, I'm joining you my friend."

The Newfie opens his lunch: "Ahh, dengit. PB & J again. If I get this one more time, I'm joinin' the two of ya."

The next day at lunch, the Englishman opens his lunch to find fish and chips. Off he goes. The Italian finds more spaghetti and meatballs. Off he goes. The Newfie finds PB & J, off he goes too.

Later, the wives are called in to identify the bodies. The Englishman's wife is in tears. "If only he had told me, I would have tried harder."

The Italian's wife is weeping: "If only I knew, I would have made him anything he wanted..."

The Newfie's wife is weeping uncontrollably: "I just can't believe this happened....he makes his own lunch!"

Back in the pioneer days, an unemployed cowboy was riding around looking for a job as a hand, or as a Ventriloquist, which he managed perfectly.

Eventually, he rode up to a lonely farm, near the prairie, with a small farmhouse and a barn.

"Hey, Farmer!" he called out. "Do you have a job for me, I'm a good farmhand, and a very good cowpoke."
"No, boy, I'm sorry, but on my little farm, there's just enough work and food to support me and my animals," said the farmer.

At the same time, the farmer's dog came out of the house, and the cowboy thought that he could play a joke on the farmer.

"Farmer, it's ok, and I thank you still," said the cowboy, " By the way... did you know that your dog can speak?"
"Hey, boy, stop that bulltalk of yours! Everybody knows that dogs can't talk! 'specially this stupid mutt of mine, had 'im for years now, and he ain't said a word yet"
"Well, I tell you again, he can! Hey dog! How's your master been treating you? Is he good to ya?"
And then, in a dogs voice he answered,
"Well, yes, he gives me good food, and he takes me on long walks, but sometimes he calls me a stupid mutt, and kicks me in the balls!"

The farmer is stunned! All these years, and the bloody dog can talk!

The cowboy sees the farmer's horse standing nearby, and calls
"Hey, horse! How are you today! Does your master treat you the same as the dog?"
The horse whinnies(sp?) and answers back
"Hi cowboy! My master is very nice to me, he brings me fresh water and hay all the time, can't complain at all, real fine here, gotta tell ya!"

The farmer is now totally dumb-struck, amazed that his best friend can talk too... but his mind clears really fast when he sees one of his sheep coming 'round the corner. He grabs the the sheep by the the snout, yelling
"Darn sheep tells nothing but lies!!!"

TRUISMS
Truisms

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a
very exciting youth.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone
else looks?

Scratch a dog or rub a cat and you'll find a permanent job.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4AM. ... It could be a right number.

Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when
their team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough
to make them all yourself.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts
tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have
any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles
out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

I've reached the age where I don't take YES for an answer.

Thanks. I needed that.

Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He
rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The
guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running.
The jetting around really tired me out, I knew I wasn't getting any
younger, and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog. >
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so
cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Ha. Bet he didn't retrieve any labradors, either...

This is an old one and may be on this thread already-ignore me if it is.

A guy walks into a talent scout's office with a dog.
"I'm sorry, we aren't looking for any dog acts," says the talent scout.
"But this dog can talk!" insisted the owner. "Watch! Hey...Bowzer, what do they call the unmowed part of a golf course?"
"Rrrrrrrrough!" says the dog.
"That's right!" said the owner, "And Bowzer, what do you call the top part of a house, that keeps the rain out?"
"Rrrrrrrrroof!" says the dog.
"YES, YES! That's right, said the overjoyed owner. "And Bowzer, who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Rrrrrrrrruth!" says the dog.
The talent scount, completely unimpressed, throws the man and his dog out into the street, and shouted after them "And don't you EVER COME BACK WASTING MY TIME!"
Dejected, the dog turned to its owner and said, "DiMaggio???"

What does it mean if the drummer in the band is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
--The stage is level.

A Crappy Date
A Crappy Date (A True Story) Sent to me by someone I trust implicitly!!

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he
has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also
goes to
Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters
up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans
for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through
twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After
several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the
date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City
(about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses
himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest
of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again
during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he
holds it. After a few minutes, the? rumbling subsides, but he still has
a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas
came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).
Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately
leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He
maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure
out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to
show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave
the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at
last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go
into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right,
women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to
the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his
current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on
his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she
doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so
he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from
40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh,
OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave
the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and
find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero
excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He
gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his
pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out
the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
out

...just the sweater.