MISCELLANEOUS JOKES

Dlowan.

Sorry about the last joke (if you believe that you'll believe.....) maybe this one may be of some recompense




A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched! you," says ! the officer.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Subject: South Brooklyn Tony

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then South Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which South Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."


South Brooklyn Tony ON MATH


South Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.
"
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ******* difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


South Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH


South Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, South Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


South Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

South Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

South Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful ban quet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on South Brooklyn Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ******* beautiful!'"

South Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER


South Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

South Brooklyn Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

South Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own ******* business

Subject: Planting Potatoes



 
"Planting Jewish Potatoes"  

   An old Jewish man lived alone in the country.  He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.  His only son  Saul, who used to help him, was in prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.
 
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here, all my troubles would be over.  I know
you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Papa

A few days later the old man received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks.

Love, Solly.

At 4 am the next morning,  a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire  garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.  
 
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,  Your son, Solly

Two ninety-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. \

It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam", says Moe,

"you know how we've both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta do

me one favour. When you go, you gotta somehow tell me if there's

baseball in heaven."


Sam looks up at Moe from his bed. "Moe, you've been my friend for all

these years. This I will do for you." And with that, Sam peacefully passes on.



It is midnight a few nights later. Moe is peacefully asleep when a

distant voice calls out to him...."Moe.....Moe...."

"Who is it?" Moe asks, and sits up in his bed straining for an answer.

Moe, it's Sam."


"Come on, you're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's, me, Sam."

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven", says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good

news, and I've got some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?" says Moe. "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"



"You're pitching Tuesday!"

This joke was told to me an my brothers when were ten and so on by a drunk woman.

Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?

Now she thought this was soooo funny and it ended up being funny because of her and I now think it is a great joke to see who has a great sense of humor or who is just a stick in the mud.


Because he was dead.


My cousin thought that was too lame for him so he added:

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?


Because he was stabled to the first.

My favorite joke.

Okay this joke is really funny when you are in person because it has a lot to do with sound and facial expression. But it is still funny.

There are these three daughters and they all want to know how they got their name. So the first one comes up to her dad and says, "Daddy, daddy how did I get my name."

He picks her up and puts her on his leg and says, "Wel when you mother was holding you in the hospital the nurse walked by and a rose petal fell on your head and we decided to call you rose."

"Aw that is so sweet daddy," said Rose as she got off his leg.

Then came the second daughter and she said, "Daddy, daddy, how did I get my name."

He picks her up and puts her on his lap and says, "Well you mom was holding you and the nurse walked by with some lillys and a lilly fell on your head and we decided to call you Lilly."

"Aw how sweet."

"Agarawasdgfaaghoauearassar"

"SHUT UP BRICK."


See I told you it would be better in person. But it is still funny.

What kind of ghosts frighten Santa Claus?
--North Pole-tergeists.

Two cows were talking in the pasture.
"You know," said Daisy, "I was artificially inseminated yesterday."
"No way!" replied Dolly.
"Really--no bull!"

You heard about the hen that swallowed a yo-yo?
--She laid the same egg three times

What did the cow say when she drank a glass of milk?
--It's all coming back to me now.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into his meatgrinder and got a little behind in his orders?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= For Today -=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=

The Sooner You Fall Behind
The More Time You Have To Catch Up

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* Husbands

Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Senors' Center.

"Well," one said, "Mary has just cremated her third husband."

"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us
can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* That too?

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked
up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you
are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a
couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Bombed

Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

"Why?"

"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night. And she came
looking for me."

"What'd you do?"

"I asked her for her phone number."



-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= Short & Sharp -=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=

Of the 10 deadliest varieties of snake, 7 are in Australia.
The other three are in politics...
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
1. Is it smarter to marry for love or money?
If you marry for love, your condition can be cured.
So it's smarter to marry for money, as long as you
remember the first rule: Get the money up front
because rich people never play with last year's model.
======
There were rumors of an earthquake in the Eastern
United States the other day. It was around the same
time as the swearing in ceremony of Arnold
Schwarzenegger.
Turned out it was just the Kennedys rolling over in
their graves.
======
In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We
will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was
advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.- Jimmy Fallon
======
A new survey shows most American teens are spending a
lot more time with their parents. That's because in
this economy, they're all working weekends together at
McDonald's.
======
Supposedly, Bill Clinton is deaf to sounds of certain
pitches, and news reports state that this means there
are particular words he cannot make out. They did not
specify what those words were, but I have secretly
obtained the official list. Here they are:
"No", "Mister", "President", "I", "Don't", "Want",
"You", "To", "Remove", "Your", "Pants".
======
Pregnant woman to her doctor: "Okay, I'm willing to
try Lamaze for childbirth if you are willing to give
it a try for root canal."
======
Recently, I went on a three-day cruise.
Actually, it was more like a three-day meal.
They tell you to bring just one outfit, but in three
different sizes:
large, extra large, and blimp.
======
There was this church that had a very big busted
organist - her breasts were so huge that they bounced
and jiggled while she played - they distracted the
congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled -
something had to be done about them or they would have
to get another organist. One of the ladies approached
her very discreetly and told her to put alum on them
and maybe they would shrink in size - she agreed to
try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on
the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond
my contwol - we will not hath a thermon today."
======
Bill Gates my father is not. As church treasurer, he
had two files, one labeled "St. Mary's Income" and one
labeled "St. Mary's Expenditures." While copying them
from a Macintosh to a PC, he had no idea the PC would
automatically truncate the file names to ten
characters, eliminate spaces, and replace apostrophes
with periods.
Now the church's income is stored in "St.Mary.sin" and
expenses in "St.Mary.sex."
======
I said I knew why men fell asleep right after sex.
It's because they were up half the night begging.
But Glamour magazine says it's actually women who fall
asleep first. They're twice as likely to doze up
right away after a little slack and tickle session.
Jay Leno says there's a reason for this: "It's
nature's way of allowing men to sneak out before
morning . . . "
======






======
As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the
road test for my driver's license. When someone cut me
off, I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of
control. "You have a lot to learn," said the
inspector.
At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I
remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When
the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind
sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as
hard as I could.
The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now
you're getting the hang of it."
======
In England they are furious over President Bush's
visit. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London
described President Bush as "the greatest threat to
life on this planet.' After hearing this President
Bush said 'That is ridiculous, what about godzilla?" -
Conan O'Brien
======

THE LADIES AT LUNCH ©
Jill: Did you really suspect that he thought you were
a hooker?
Mary: Well, I was pretty sure when he said, "I've
been a REALLY BAD boy! Will it be extra if you have
to spank me?"
======

Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed into a cemetry?

So far they've pulled over 500 bodies from the wreckage... and they're still finding more.

A guy comes home from work and his wife says "I did a background check on you. I know all about your past...Youre a PEDOPHILE!!!"
"big words" he says "...coming from a 10-year old."

another pedophile joke:

Q: What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty-eight year olds?

A: There are twenty of them.

-Courtesy of my roomate.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill herself?

You would too if your name was muamyaumayua

Music jokes:

How can you tell the stage is level?
-Drool comes out both sides the drummers mouth

How can you confuse a bassist?
-Detune one string, dont tell him which one

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
-Counterpoint

How do you get two guitarists to play in perfect harmony?
-Shoot one of them

How do you make a guitarist play softer?
-Put a sheet of music in front of him

How do you make him stop playing?
-Put notes on the sheet, or any time signature other than 4/4

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
-Drool

What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians all day?
-A drummer

A dad buys his son a bass guitar and music lessons on saturdays. After his first lesson, the son comes home at 4 and his dad asks him what he learned today. "i learned the first four notes on the E string, dad!" The next saturday, the son comes home at 1 AM, smelling like beer and pot. His dad asks what happened at his lesson. "I had to cancel, dad, i had a gig."

The Church Gossip

The Church Gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake however, when she accused George, a new member, of being drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of a few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house......and left it there all night...

Be Blessed....

Goldstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to
you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Goldstein asks, "And what does a million
dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Goldstein asks, " Can I
have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
=================================================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every
evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with
anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"
==================================================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The
old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
==================================================
Lou was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
Dear," he said. "Of course, Lou," his wife said softly. "Six months after I
die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob,"she
said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
=================================================
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let
me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week
later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke
to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes
and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
===========================================
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell
happened

<a hrefx=http://www.outwar.com/page.php?x=1936899">Funny Pictures!</a>

truth
A man walking in the country with some friends, presents to them a pile of horse **** cupped in his hand while commenting, "Look what I almost stepped on."