Separation Anxiety

Oh yay, this person sounds really good. I love the email thing, trying to figure out how to make the most of 5 more hours.

Are you ever teachable!

Now you have something specific to research, some guidelines.

(Quick aside -- I hope you've never felt that "my kid does that" is dismissive of the significant challenges you face -- of course it's harder, in any number of ways.)

Give yourself a big ol' pat on the back for getting to this point.

Yeah, what is RAD? I googled and found little to go on in the first 2 pages......

Thank you, Noddy. Your thoughts are a comfortable place for me to be!

RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder. A good, short, description can be found here: http://attachmenttherapy.com/ad.html

I think what he meant by "teachable" is that I'm not an idiot! And that I'm concerned enough to do what needs to be done to make sure Mo is a-okay.

Still, I want that damn instruction kit!


Hi Ringpops Brittany. I would be interested in hearing your story of separation anxiety. You might want to go back and reread this thread to see if it fits in here, if it doesn't start a new thread and I promise to read it. It is a topic I am very interested in. Thank you for offering and I look forward to reading what you have to say.

well it started when my parents divorce when i was 2. even though i was 2 i was more mentally mature than most 2 yr olds due to my parents always fighting and doing tons of drugs right in front of me and i had begun to understand things, when my mom left my dad she took me and my older (adopted) brother with her. she didn't know it but she was currently pregnant. when she moved in with her mother i felt completely secure. i guess the seperation brought complete confusion, b/c everything changed all of a sudden. then all sorts of stuff happened. but when i was 7 my mother left me and her other 4 children for drugs. it started out just for 2 days at a time until it was weeks and months. the feds came in when she had been gone for 3 months, cps took erik(my brother who shares the same father, the accident) and myself. i missed her a lot. i was constantly wondering when she was gonna come back. as time progressed after about a month in a foster home while going to court on a daily basis, we eventually moved in with our father, at this time i began thinking that everything was my fault. it was my fault mom and dad seperated in the first time causing my mom to get deeply involved with drugs it was my fault, i began hating myself for everything i had ever done. i became clinically depressed at the age of 8. i blamed myself for everything. being away from my mom at such a vital age caused me to breakdown everyday crying for hours at a time. i felt like i had to all of a sudden be my own mom, and grow-up completely at the age of 7. aside from being away from my mom life with my dad wasn't to peachy either. we lived in a 2 bedroom trailer-turned-drug house. erik and i were abused and neglected everyday for things such as eating our dad's food without his permission. we were not allowed outside and dad would tell us things like "your mom left u rats for a reason, worthless ingrates!!"

ne way there is much more but it is depressing me just typing out these memories

hope it helps

Oh, I'm so sorry Brittany, and my heart goes out to you.
No child should ever have to suffer like this, it just can
tear you apart thinking what children have to go through.

I hope you're in good hands now.


boomerang, we all want an instruction kit
Unfortunately, every book you read about how to handle
the little tykes, is obsolete by the time they add another
year to their age. <sigh>

thank you

Boomerang--

One of the reasons you rate the "teachable" label is that your ego and your needs are obviously not as important to you as Mo's needs.

RiNg--

Welcome to A2k, erratic caps and all. Do you mind me asking how old you are? You're certainly another person in the "teachable" lifeboat.

Not to worry, soz. I've never ever thought you were dismissive. And really, most of Mo's behavior is typical four year old stuff. Its the extremes which are problematic and nobody sees the really extreme behavior but me. Mr. B doesn't even see it - he does see me on those shell-shock days though.

It is good to have guideposts and I will be trying to find my way through them. I have been reading though a lot of sites/newsgroups/etc. concerning this stuff and so many of them are very high drama that.... well...... let's just say I don't want to fall into that whole tragic/panic group.

I'm not much of a drama girl.

Yep, CJane. If we can't have a handbook it seems they could at least give us an owner's manual!

Brittany, that so totally sucks that I don't know where to start. Your story sounds so much like Mo's bio-mom's story. Your parents piss me off.

I hope you're doing okay. I hope you and your siblings have had some help in dealing with your parents and your past.

One of the really interesting things this counselor I saw yesterday said was about the difference between abuse and neglect in early life. He said neglect can really be more dangerous emotionally than abuse because the child doesn't have anyone at all - that negative attention is still attention.

Please take care of yourself, Brittany.

Boomer, I'm sure there will be moments when Mo's responses will be very difficult but I honestly can't think of anyone better suited to be there for him than you.


Brittany, welcome to A2K. Your story is heartbreaking. I hope you stick around. We all learn from each other and care about each other here.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, J_B.

I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of confidence today as we have started the day out being one of these weird "other mother" days that we sometimes have.

Mo: My other mother has a Thomas the train movie
Me: Neat!
(Internal dialogue: What? I just picked up two Thomas movies on sale yesterday....)
Mo: My other mother is going to pick me up so I can watch it.
Me: Well I don't think she's coming today.
(Internal: we haven't seen her but 10 minutes in the last two months-where is this coming from?)
Mo: I'm going to stay with her for ever and ever.
Me: Oh my gosh! I would miss you so much if that happened.
(Internal: What do I say!? Help!)
Mo: No you won't. You don't love me.
Me: Oh yes I do! I love you very very much.

Rinse and repeat.

<sigh>

It's still early. I hope I can jolly him out of this mood. Yesterday was tiring in more ways than one.

Not being much of a drama girl is part of what makes you so awesome, IMO.

Was Mo at the therapy session?

No, Mo wasn't at the session.

The counselor's office is in an ur-burb about 30 minutes from my house - but only a few miles from Mr. B's warehouse. We all met for lunch and Mr. B took Mo for a good runaround the warehouse day. Mo was very tired and had a hard time settling down last night. We, of course, waited until he went to bed to discuss the counseling session so he really didn't know what was up other than his day was "different" and he got to drive the forklift!

That's what I'd thought, but that conversation seems awfully on-topic. Kids. <tapping head>

Ware Evergreen stuff, Boomer.

They are the folk whose "holding therapy" has created such a huge drama (and caused huge problems for anyone discussing normal "holding" - though I believe they may have moved on from their very controversial stuff) - I will come back and explain later.

Has your therapist given any sites to look at attachment stuff?

(Not that I am saying Evergreen's is not reasonable info - but, offhand, I would say their criteria for RAD are loose.)

PS: I think it great that Mo's stuff is so "out there"!!!!!!

That ritual again and again stuff is great.

Wears you out, I am sure!

When Mo finishes Ranger training, he's going to be able to locate The Enemy by sensing their vibrating brain waves. No villain within a 50 mile radius will be safe from Mighty Mo.

I also predict that you will probably survive to see him graduate.

He did recommend several books, dlowan, but not really sites to look at. And while I have been reading quite a bit on causes/behaviors associated with RAD I've really avoided reading about any therapies since I wasn't really sure I've I was dealing with "typical" or not.

I remember you mentioning holding therapy before so today I looked up some stuff about it. Luckily the type of rages that holding therapy attempts to deal with are a very rare thing around here.

Interestingly, we have kind of made up our own holding therapy that seems to work very well for us. We did it today, as a matter of fact so I will use these events for an example.

I've already discussed our early morning conversation. When that died down, Mo started acting out in other ways. Mostly by pretending a stick was some sort of weapon and setting my shirt "on fire". When I asked him if he thought that would hurt me he replied "yes" so I told him I couldn't play that kind of game with him. Finally he gave up and told me he was going to be nice now.

I suggested that we relax together for a while which seemed to suit him.

Here is what we do to "relax": we pop in a video and lay down on a big bean bag chair. He will start off kind of far away but start inching closer. He will take my hand and wrap it around his waist and touch my face with his hand. We lay like that for a bit and synchronize our breathing. Somedays he falls asleep (like today, which gives me time to write) and somedays we'll just "relax" for a while.

Most days it works. Other days any suggestion or attempt to "relax" leads to violence so I have to find something physical for us to do just to wear him out a bit.

Thankfully, most days are much easier than this one has been.

Yes, Noddy, Mighty Mo could well have a carreer as a double agent - he's got the charm thing, the psychic thing, the pysical endurance and agility thing, the good looks thing.

Yep, psy-ops. Or maybe an actor.

oh thank you all for the warm welcome, i am only 14, sure i still have a lot to learn but i do also know a lot for my age. my siblings and i despite our everyday fueds eventually found a way to stick to together and put up with our parents. yes we did reunite with mom after she was released and then all 5 of us were homeless after a domestic violence thing with her and the younger kids' dad (whom we had been staying with) but we are currently in housing hope, which is great i couldn't ask for ne thing more. they are wonderful people that have provided my mom with recovery from drugs, got her a job, and got all of us kids involved in some sort of activity to keep our minds off of all the court-room visits for custody, etc. but i am happy with life now as it is and i have to admit its getting better. thanks again all of you for your welcome and your concern i appreciate it.

While Mo was napping I had a chance to do some reading and I'm just going to toss this out there to see what you all think --

A lot of the stuff I've read concerns the neurobiology of neglect; how the brain wires itself differently when a child is neglected. There is a large body of research concerning lifelong elevated stress hormones in children who have suffered from neglect.

A lot of the treatments I've read about bear a strong resemblence to stress busting excercises.

Is it possible that RAD is a stress related.... dysfunction (for lack of a better word) and that Mo could be helped by finding ways to better handle his stress?

Could it be that my stress over the visit to the counselor caused Mo stress and that is why I'm having such a weird day today?

Hmmmm.....

Lots of thoughts Boomer - but no time.


But that "holding" you do sounds absolutely wonderful - especially with the synchronization of breathing etc - that is sort of working on the attunement he did not experience from mother.


And yes - I have no doubt he is very sensitive to you and will respond to your stress.

But - YOUR stress will not lead to abandonment or abuse - so this is another chance for him to learn that.