Separation Anxiety

Interesting thread--I've learned a lot. Thanks, dlowan.

Boomer--

Again, I'm better on symbols that psychology. Can you find some sort of pin-on ID case for Little Mo to have with him as an amulet for visits with his other families?

You can explain to the other families that this is a just-in-case precaution for a friendly child in an imprefect world. You call tell Little Mo that the ID shows who he is and where he lives and where he belongs.

Is he old enough to memorize, remember and dial your telephone? Is your terrain flat enough for cell phones? Being able to get in touch would give him a measure of control when he's away.

P.S. Why not call his mother and ask if anything untoward happened?

Those are really good ideas!

Mo has a little wallet that he likes to carry - he likes to have a couple of bucks in his pocket. I should insert an ID card and some photos of all of us, our house, our pets - that sort of thing.

So easy!

Thank you, Noddy.

We've been working on learning "911". Mo's not so great with numbers and letters yet but we're working on it.

I really don't like to initiate contact with his family and I really don't think she would tell the truth if something had happened.

I know he was reluctant to give her a goodbye kiss and hug (for the first time) and I NEVER force him to be affectionate with anyone.

She was very evasive as to when we would see her again. She hemmed and hawed and suggested dates then excuses why those dates wouldn't work. That sort of thing.

Mo adores her current boyfriend but after this very short visit he would not engage him either.

Odd.

Hmmm - hopefully he will tell you something sooner or later if something not good happened.

Grrrrrrrrr........

This is interesting:

Tonight over dinner Mr. B tells me that yesterday Mo says to him "I don't want to move to California".

Mr. B thought it was just really off the wall and he insisted that no-way no-how Mo was moving to California.

Mo might not know his numbers and letters but he does have a pretty good grasp of geography. We have a big US map under the glass of our dining room table. I put it there when we were planning our trip to Texas. He calls it his "puzzle" and we look at it and talk about it all of the time.

Maybe this California thing was just a weird deal or maybe........

Euuuuwwwwwww!

My thoughts exactly, osso!

Once I stopped feeling like my heart was going to explode, I questioned Mr. B intensly.

Mo has said no such thing to me.

I will MOST CERTAINLY be questioning this before there is any further contact with bio-mom.

I only can imagine the emotional roller coaster you're
going through boomerang. There is nothing more I wish
for you, as being able to adopt Mo.

I cannot give you any professional advise, only my motherly
side of it. We've experienced separation anxiety at the beginning of the adoption process, especially when Social
Services came to visit, but in time we worked through it,
and I made sure, little Jane felt secure. I even installed
an alarm system to show her that nobody will be able to
"steal" her at night (her biggest fear).

As for acting up and testing the waters, "time out" is indeed
not a good method of punishment as Dlowan already said.

When little Jane tested the odds, I got down on my knees
to be in eye level with her, made her look at me and told
her firmly and in a simple sentence that she cannot do that.
I made sure, she is looking at me (little kids avoid that like
the plague) and in the end, I always said: "Is this understood!" and she had to say Yes.

I don't know why, but it worked - actually, it still works.

Makes me think, chat with your lawyer.

Perhaps over-reacting.

I called to make an appointment for Mo today and mentioned my concerns to the receptionist so that the doctor would be aware of them when we go in for the appointment.

I've been working on a little biographical sketch to give the doctor in hopes of saving time and making sure I don't forget anything I want to talk about.

In doing so I noted something interesting --

Mo's mom and her family were very active with him over the holidays/his birthday. Then nothing until his mom came by last week - about a month of nothing, then a visit.

In the meantime his long lost paternal grandparents showed up -- this after being absent for more than a year.

I can see how all of this might be causing him some serious confusion.

Thanks CJane. It helps to hear from people who have experienced similar things.

Mo too will fight like a tiger to avoid eye contact when I'm trying to get something through! I'll get the "I understand" thing from Mo followed by 5 minutes of yelling "I don't understand" and "Get away from me" and blah blah blah followed by 5 minutes of "I want to stay with you"s.

Kids!

<sheesh>

I'd really think that the showing up with no warning thing is tough for him. I know you have to be really careful with how you handle all of this, since they have something you really want and alienating them won't help anyone. But all things being equal (which they aren't), I'd want to say, look, we will arrange the meetings well in advance, and if you don't make it to those, you've lost the privelege.

Sigh. I know, I know.

Still hoping a therapist would be able to give some heft and authority to a request something along those lines, though, as well as providing someone to "blame". ("I know, that seemed a little much to me too, but the therapist was really adamant that it would be best for Mo, and I know we all want what's best for Mo...")

Maybe, .. i just had this thought last night..
but..
maybe there wasnt anything significant said or done when the ' other mommy' showed up, but just the simple ACT of her shoing up off cue, and out of nowhere was what set Mo off. Made mo feel insecure like she could do this anytime.

To top off the fear of having her show up on the doorstep, mo had to get in the car with her.....
according to a young child, getting in a car means GO.
Mo might have taken that as an unarranged trip away from you boom, that may have ment " no return".
If that is the case, then that is a normal reaction to any situation. Trusted person or not, having someone show up and take you somewhere is a bit nerve racking for kids.
Maybe.... just maybe.... mo's reaction is as simple an answer as that?

That's kinda what I was thinking, too, shewolf.

I don't like the California thing out of nowhere tho. :-?

I agree with that!
Where did california come from? And why SPECIFICALLY california?

But.. then again...
he may just associate the state with the idea of " being FAR away" Since on the map that is in the table top , it IS away from oregon.. ?
I dunno. Fetching for sticks here.. but yeah.
I would be suspicious as hell about the california statement too.

Those alarm bells are ringing for a reason.

Perhaps his biological mother asked Mo if he would like to live in California in an attempt to somewhat prepare him for something she is planning. Perhaps the biological mom is planning to move there (in the new car) with her new boyfriend to start a new life and she wants Mo to be a part of that life.

A lot of fear and speculation here -- but the alarm bells are ringing -- and maybe you should tell the biological mom that Mo said that he didn't want to move to California and ask the biological mom if she knows why Mo would say something like that out of the blue . . .

Unfortunatly Debra, you are probally EXACTLY right! Hoping it was something simple that fueled Mos responce is only grabbing for straws, I just hate to think that this woman who calls her self " mom" would show up and yank Mo into a car and tell him your moving with me. >SIGH<

February 11
FROM FEBRUARY 11:



Mom shows up with NEW CAR and a couple of days later, Mo says, "I don't want to move to California." Mo repeats the phrase, "I want to live with you," 20 times a day. Something is going on . . . .

BOOMERANG: Don't go into panic mode, you need your senses . . . but this requires exploration.

Yeah, the California thing. I'm still processing on that one.

I had talked to Mr. B the night before about some of Mo's more unusual behavior of late and how it really had me worried.

Last night, over dinner, he was asking about my sudden concern and asking if I thought something might be up.

That's when he told me about Mo's California questions.

I was pretty flattened by it.

Mo doesn't think Texas or DC are too far for a day trip and often wonders why we can't go there to play with everyone so I doubt he thinks California is far.

Mo's mom could be charged with kidnapping if she tried such a thing. I have full legal custody of Mo. For her to get him back would require that she take us to court.

And not to sound harsh but I think a lot of her current involvement with her kids is a "pose" for the new boyfriend who has a very close knit family. I really don't think she feels close to Mo or that she wants him back but might perhaps be a bit embarrassed about the situation.

It could of course be simply a reaction to being expected to go somewhere when he didn't want to. And now that you mention it, I've had a terrible terrible time getting him to go anywhere since then -- unless its on his bike.

That reassures me a bit, Boomer, just to hear you reiterate again the situation re the boyfriend.

I've known you have legal custody, but was still thinking uh, oh. On my mention of talking to a lawyer, it was more that you might keep her or him apprised than that I was thinking you should do any legal action now. (I understand about the five month wait for another step.)

As it should be .
;-)

Very good! I'm glad to hear that you have legal custody. In this respect, you can bide your time for a very long time. No immediate need to rock the boat. Your position is pretty secure if the only way biological mom can regain custody is through a court action. Again, very good!