My time away was both chaotic and wonderful. A change is as good as a rest and with luck my inner resources have been fortified for the last 35 days of winter.
The bachelor clutter is almost gone--even the spilled double latte in the vegetable drawer. There is chaos and chaos....
On gender confusion. Mr. Noddy did foster care for a time and one of his foster daughters remained close. She moved in a world of women who were somewhat fluttery and men who were most definitely Masterful whether or not they knew what they were talking about.
Her son decided that based on my behavior, I was "Uncle J." His mother fluttered in distress, but the two-year-old knew all about sexist stereotypes.
Boomer, you are Mo's be-all and end-all and the light of his world. Remember, in these confusing times, even God is unisex and pronouns of all genders apply.
boomerang wrote:Mo wandered in while I was talking to the triage nurse setting up the appointment. We were talking about "The Father". Mo has spent the last few days insiting I'm his father!
We have received puzzled looks from everyone. I'm just waiting for someone to ask me to recommend a good surgeon....
LOL!!!!! I am beginning to really love this kid!!!!
I'm glad you had a good time Noddy. Time away, while not exactly making double lattes in the vegetable drawer any easier, can make all things a little more bearable.
I know that some day Mo will himself be capable of embarrassement. I will offer him a brief tutorial on my patented head tilt-eyebrow raise-shoulder shrug that I have bestowed on countless Target shoppers in response to Mo's "I have two mommies!" and "Your my father"s and all his other nonsense.
Ahhhh. The thrilling danger of the photographer mom.
Lol - that isn't nonsense! That is wee Mo processing and making sense of his particular situation!
Okay. Good point. It isn't nonsense at all.
The things I learn from this kid....
... and from all of you.
Have I said "Thanks" yet?
Maybe once he makes sense of it he will explain it all to me.
Boomer--
Mo knows he has a complicated family.
If he lived in a mythical tribe on a South Sea island, he'd have words for "raising mother" and 'birth mother" and "not-my-father-who-is-raising-my-sisters" and "my-birth-mother's-latest-milkman".
He doesn't need "father-at-a-distance-beyond-clear-memory". He's got you.
As far as relationships go, English is an unimaginative language--and you have an imaginative kid--with a loud clear voice.
Just wait--I think in third or fourth grade there will be an assignment, "Draw your Family Tree". Get your gumption ready--that one is a bitch for a "normal" family.
That made me laugh out loud, Noddy!
What is that tree that grows in Hawaii? The one where the branches grow down, put in roots and start a new trunk? They stretch for miles.
A banyan tree? Something like that.
That would be Mo's tree.
Or maybe he would be a lodge pole pine. Something straight and tall that grows very high before it starts branching much.
Banyan tree:
The young plant puts forth aerial rootlets, which, on reaching the ground, take root to form secondary trunks to support the giant horizontal limbs.
Yes, I do belive that Mo's family tree is a banyan.
Tomorrow is the big day of my preliminary meeting with Mo's therapist.
I'm feeling a little twitchy so I came back to read this for strength.
You've all been so helpful. Thank you.
Sending lots and lots of calming healing strengthening sorts of vibes!
So great that you're doing this, really.
Boomer--
Remember that you're going to get the beginnings of answers. I doubt that the therapist is going to head out to tie Mo's Mother's tubes and geld his Daddy without benefit of anesthesia. this is a shame.
I'm sure that she's going to tell you that your instincts are good; that wonders are being accomplished and that Mo is a lucky little boy who should not be uprooted and returned to chaos.
Boomer,
I'm sure you will feel much relief after the meeting. Usually the anticipation is much worse than the actual event. Sending warm thoughts your way.
Thanks again, all.
I know its the right thing it is just difficult to be the "mouthpiece" for someone who can't entirely express their own thoughts. Keeping my own bias out of the equation seems pretty daunting but I know I can do it.
The appoinmtent is today at 2:00. I'll stop in late this afternoon to give you all the lowdown.
Two p.m. PST? That is a long time to dither.
Remember, you're not just a spokeswoman for Little Mo--you are his Queen of Rescue, his Mighty Defender.
Queens of Rescue and Mighty Defenders are supposed to be biased--you can't protect the innocent if you feel that neglect is acceptable in child rearing.
You'll be in my thoughts.
Hmmmm....
Where to start?
We talked for about two hours - Mo's behavior that raised my concerns, my history, Mr. B's history, Mo's parents history then the big question (him) and answer (me) session, then talking.
Briefly:
The good news - he affirmed that I am doing the best that I can and that my best was probably a whole lot better than most. He pointed out that nobody but nobody can undo the past and that the only way to go is forward.
The not so good news - going forward could be really expensive because our insurance does not allow for extended therapy and there is no way to "fix" these things in six quick easy sessions.
With someone as young as Mo, six sessions won't scratch the surface and could, in fact, lead to more problems: the therapist has to establish trust, the child begins to trust, then the therapist is taken away before they've been able to accomplish anything really useful.
The worse news: He strongly suspects RAD. Given Mo's history and his bio-parents history and his current behavior and a million other things we talked about.
The good part of the worse news is that because I have had a relationship with Mo since he was born that our path may not be terribly corrupted and therefore more easily overcome.
He did offer some very interesting insight into impulse control - something I had never really thought about in regard to Mo's more violent tendencies.....
He offered some valuable tips on how to impress on Mo the damage caused by his agression other than the whole bad behavior = time out thing...
Since he belived I am "teachable" he recommended that I read a lot more about RAD and to read a lot about divorce and shared custody and how to handle those things best for the kids involved....
Most reassuring were his comments that yes, I am dealing with a typical four year old - a typical four year old that has experienced more than many adults as far as love and loss are concerned.
He got a good laugh when I told him I felt like an "imposter" and an "incomptetent" when people told me that their four year old child acted just like Mo. Maybe I'm just a sucker for sympathy but when he said "they don't really know what you deal with" I breathed the biggest sigh of relief in my life.
The fact of the matter is Mo's early life mattered. It shaped the person he is today. His early life was pretty crappy. That crappiness will alway be a part of who he is. All we can do is move forward.
The meeting ended with a discussion of how we can best use our remaining five hours. He gave me his office e-mail address where I can send questions that don't count against my time. I can call and make an appointment when occassions or situations arise that I really need to discuss.
If things get crazy, I can hire a private therapist.
That's the brief rundown (I'm getting verbose in my old age). I'm still processing a lot of it so there could be other things that cross my mind that I want to get down.
My new motto: I'm doing the best I can.
You're doing the best you can.
The best you can do has been damn good so far, boomer.
Sounds like you and Mo have made a connection who's really going to try to be there for both of you. That is very good news.
Thank you, eBeth.
I AM doing the best I can.
hi my name is brittany and i don't know the full story here but i struggled with seperation anxiety as a child and i know what it feels like and what children in the situation are generally feeling and thinking overall, if i can be of ne help just let me know
Boomerang--
I'm glad that you have a stamp of approval. "Teachable" is probably an acolade in the Mental Health world.
Trying to purify muddy waters without an Instruction Kit can be exhausting and frustrating. I'm glad that you got the validation AND some new tricks for the toolbox.
What is RAD?
You are still in my thoughts.
