pretty positive i'm being blown off

Hi class,

I think he talks in the general sense and you hear in the specific. When he says 'later' you hear 'in a few hours', when he says 'not every day' you hear 'every other day', when he says he'll do something and it doesn't happen the way you heard it you think he's blowing you off. I don't think he's done anything other than try to tell you he isn't able to be available to you on a schedule. He's told you he enjoys being with you and that he wants a casual dating relationship. That means something very general and undefined to him but something definate to you. Unless you can find a way to relax about your expectations of your relationship with him then you are going to continue to beat your head against the wall. He isn't being unreasonable and neither are you, but the two of you are not having the same conversation.

I hope you figure out a way to have a meaningful discussion with him but I honestly think you need to try to listen to his message in the context he is giving it to you and not try to interpret it by the standards that you are looking for in a 'boyfriend'.

If you don't want to break up with him, you should call him NOW.

The dating rules are off. You've broken up with him. Those are the words you've sent.

If those words are not what you meant, take them back, immediately.

If they are what you meant -- if you want to break up and stay broken up -- just move on.

You should call him and apologize for driving him crazy. Let him know that you are going for therapy, and tell him you hope you two can still be friends. There's nowhere to go from here but down, class. You aren't going to have any peace of mind until you fix this neediness and insecurity of yours. And there's nothing he can do to help you. You and he are only prolonging what is inevitable.

FreeDuck summarizes it really well. Absolutely.

re
ok so he said he'll call tonight and as i said...i dont think he will. I think that if i havent heard from him by wed. night i will call him.

Right now i am thinking that he is sick of hearing me be upset about him not being in touch, or maybe he jsut isnt interested in me anymore or maybe he met someone else.

I jsut dont want to make a fool out of myself by being the one to contact him all the time first.

class, do you actually read anything we say?

You sent him the text breaking up with him -- yes, breaking up with him -- AFTER you last talked on the phone. That's the last communication out there. You breaking up with him, whether you meant to or not.

re
sozobe, i did not break up with him. he has told me in two conversations now that he cant be the kind of boyfriend i am looking for. I just want to salvage something so i sent the text saying, hi, i know you cant really be a boyfriend right now, but i'd still like to see you. How is this breaking up?

Re: re


Just double-checking. You talked to him on Friday and he said at that point he'd call you today. Then, after that, you sent him the break up yes break up text.

Getting through to you yet?

A direct response! Yay!

"I know you can't really be a boyfriend, but I'd still like to see you."

The obvious interpretation of that is but "I don't think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend. But we can be friends."

YOU said that, you need to clean it up if it's not what you meant.

re
but sozobe what i've been saying here the whole time is that he has told me on 3 occasions now that he cannot be my boyfriend. He has said that he has a lot going on in his life where he cant be totally dedicated to a relationship. Finally he told me that he doesnt think this is my ideal relationship and i guess he thought we broke up when he told me that...

You had made all of those things clear to him. That it's NOT your ideal relationship. That he CANNOT meet your needs, be the kind of boyfriend you seem to want (who calls a lot more often, for starters.)

If this is all true -- and we seem to finally be closer to acknowledging that it is -- why NOT break up?

re
i feel like at this point he is just annoyed and fed up. WHen i talked to him friday he was pretty much rushing me off the phone saying, yeah yeah i'll call you monday. So i sent him a text later that day saying, i know you cant be a boyfriend (just like he told me) but i still want to see you.

Of COURSE he's annoyed and fed up! I'M beyond annoyed and fed up and I'm just reading along!!

Let me see how this works.

You say you like him but keep telling him he doesn't meet your needs and he's not the kind of boyfriend you want. He, reasonably, takes that to mean that you want to break up, since he doesn't meet your needs and he's not the kind of boyfriend you want. (Duh!) Then you get pissed at him for thinking that. Then you have a discussion about getting together -- without the broken up/ still together question being fully resolved. Then you send a text message that would seem to be the nail in the coffin. You know he can't be a boyfriend. That's all she wrote.

What do you want, class?

No cop-outs about "I just want him to be honest with me", yadda yadda, he has been. You've been confusing the heck out of him, and there is only so much he can do in terms of calling you and seeing you, but he likes you. He's been steadfast in that.

You need to identify what you want.

re
i never told him taht he didnt meet my needs. He assumed this because i was annoyed at how often we were speaking. I have written about this on other boards and told my mom and they have all said, he's just not that into you, he's not interested...maybe thsi is just the case? perhaps he is just not into me.

class--

Is this guy really real for you--or just an imperfect mirror that you're clutching like a teddy bear.

How old is he? How tall is he? What color are his eyes? What is his favorite sport? What is his favorite food? Is he a reader? A sports nut?
What does he think about the war in Iraq? Did he vote in the last elections?

All we know about him is that he's confused--and good in bed.

re
i really like him and i enjoy spending time with him...he's home this weekend, i have an opportunity to hang out with him if he wants...i jsut dont know if he wants to at this point. i dont want to beg and i feel like i am

Did he assume incorrectly, on either count? You've certainly told US that he doesn't meet your needs often enough, so at worst he's perceptive.



<shrugs> Who knows, class. What we do know is that the most wonderful, into-you, perfect-for-you guy would be driven away by your behavior as you have documented it here.

Nobody is instantly THAT into someone, THAT interested. There is an initial spark that is gradually fanned into a flame... or not.

The obsessive, clingy, insecure, and confused behavior that you have documented here is not the way to nurture a flame. Period.

Whether you want to be broken up or not, you are at this point. If you don't want to "beg", write this one off. If you want to give what feeble embers of a relationship are left a chance, call and apologize.

re
would i look like a desperate fool if i call him again? as i've said i'm fairly positive he wont be contacting me anytime soon...i dont know if i should call him again and risk the chance of looking like a desperate fool. I"d kind of like to call and say, i'd like to hang out this weekend if you're free, if you dont want to i totally understand, but i just thought we could talk. He even said on friday that we could see each other and talk about things because it would be better to do so in person. but he never responded to my text...lately he hasnt been responding to my texts.

You'd look foolish if you contact him when you don't, in fact, want to continue the relationship. REALLY continue it, including adult communication about things like how much you will talk on the phone.

If you DO in fact want to continue the realtionship, and want to do it in a mature manner, calling now to apologize will be the least foolish, least desperate, most mature thing you've done so far.

Call, though, don't text.

class, the text he didn't respond to is the one where you said "I know you can't be a boyfriend", right?

Think for just a second -- you get a text from him saying, "I know you can't be a girlfriend", how would that make you feel? What message would you take from that?