My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

I'm just glad that you guys were so eager to help me and give advice.

I am very touched by that

I'm very glad to see that he's willing to take responsibility for his actions and get some counseling. I wish you all the best and I hope that you have many years of happy marriage. Good luck with your in-laws too!

Yes, I pray every day for God to bless and heal our marriage, this is the first MAJOR Issue that we have had in our relationship. It was an eye opener for me, and I'm sure I'll be a wiser person because of what happened. Everybody deserve a second chance, and because me husband is genuinly remorseful of what happend, and willing to go to counselling, I have decided to give him one LAST chance.

I really do love him more than you can imagine and I cannot picture my life without him.....

thanks (((J_B)))

I am also happy to hear that everything worked out and that you have had a speedy education on abuse, which is always good to have.

Charms- I really hope, for your sake, that what happened was an isolated incident. Unlike some of the other posters, I am not completely convinced. I hope that the two of you find some answers in counselling, but please keep your eyes and ears open. Good luck!

The fact that he went to counseling is a step in the right direction. Perhaps he didn't realize his mistake. I hope everything works out for you but as phoenix said, keep your eyes and ears open. Your husband might not be a bad man but he might have a problem. I hope it all works out. Good luck.

Of course, Charms, there are other forums than relationships you could hang out in when this is finally resolved.

No Flowers? No gifts with that dinner? I remain no expert; but it still sounds like the same beginning to virtually every one of these horror stories.

His words and actions are as good as you could hope for and I, too, hope that everything works out well for you. More likely, he figured out by your demeanor that he was going to lose you if he didn't change gears. He means every word he's saying... but that won't help. It isn't him you have to fear... it's the stranger that lurks beneath the surface. Like I explained in an earlier post; things will soon appear to be better than ever as he re-establishes his undying love and devotion. It will probably be a spell before he's taking you for granted enough to let the stranger out again... but he will... because they always do. Boy is that stranger ever going to be pissed and resentful that you put him through all this too. I fear for you and I am saddened deeply by your decision but I, nevertheless, want to wish you the very best of luck. I really, really hope I'm wrong... but I'd still wager my kingdom against a cup of coffee.

We'll be here when you need us again, darlin. Take care of you.
(((( Charms ))))

After reading your post Id really like to invite you to my friends daughters 7th birthday party, maybe you could rain on that too.

I think Charm, as we all have, learnt alot from this on both for and against staying with him.She has also changed inwardly.

No flowers,no gifts with dinner.What the heck is that supposed to mean.They were there to talk.He could easily have taken her home any night and continued the abuse.

The way you talk makes it sound like we could all be abusers and none of us should dare stick at a relationship.
Good for you for sticking to your guns but I dont think the 'I fear for you and I am saddened by your choice' comment was particularly neccessary.

Interesting you'd relate reuniting with an abuser to parties and parades. "No flowers, no gifts" is adequately explained in the linked post. I couldn't rightly care less which of my comments you think are necessary, Material girl. My comments are for "Charms' benefit... not her abuser's apologist's. (It's still not about you.)

What that means is that abusers follow a pattern.

After the abuse comes the so-called 'honeymoon period' which includes flowers, gifts, dinner and so on.

When the displaced anger builds up again in the abuser, the abuse will happen again.

I am not saying that is what is going on here; I only want you to understand what OCCOM BILL was referring to is an all-too-pervasive syndrome.

You bite so easily.

I think the whole point of forums and of err...living is that we all air our own opinions otherwise whats the point in exsisting.
You are bold about your opinions therefore your posts are about you and what you would do.
I air my opinions therefore they are about me and what I would do.

I related a happy thing like trying to heal a marriage to a birthday party, not about the abusers that you constantly think of.

Im glad you dont care about my opinions, you are another step closer to a more relaxed life.

I understand you want to help as we all do but going on your description I know about 2 people who follow the 'nicey nice' pattern but havnt been physically abusive.

In the words of Ricki Lake "Kick 'em to the curb!"

Actually, you are quite correct. :wink:

Good Luck, Charms.

I think it is quite possible that your husband is truthful and trying hard to regain your trust. I think that going to a counselor is the best plan... probably you should go separately first, then together. From what I've read, the South African government is working to turn around domestic abuse so you & your husband should be able to find a lot of support. Please keep us informed, and visit online with a2k when can. We're a lot more than a relationship forum!

I am sorry you are unable to distinguish between anecdotal reports and empirical studies (which do not have anything to do, necessarily, with my opinions).

So the fact that he didn't give me Flowers, or gifts is actually a good sign?

That depends on whether he is a typical abuser or not.

The syndrome to which I referred and which materialgirl is clearly unaware of evidences a clear pattern of abuse-'honeymoon behavior'-build-up of tension-abuse and repeat.

Charms- The only good sign that you need is that your husband respects you, does not humiliate you, and does not harm you physically.

There are certain "typical" patterns to abusers, which are useful to know. But people differ in their behaviors, so you should not ascribe the fact that he did not give you flowers as either a good or bad sign.

Just be aware of his attitudes; how he relates to you; how he behaves towards you both when you are alone, and when you are with other people.

By your quote, I fear that you are grasping at straws. Remember it is WHAT he does, his overall patterns of behavior, that is important.

So a typival abuser would shower me with gifts and be overwhelmingly romantic and loving?

Our household is back to normal... we have always been a loving couple and we were always hugging and kissing, laighing together and chatting. It is exactly like it was 2 weeks ago. He isn't treating me any differently, there is no overwhelming,on- purpose romanticism from his side.

So maybe he's not a "typical abuser" ?