My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

Debra Law
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 02:12 pm
Why do abusers batter?

Abusive men batter women as a means of power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate partner.

Characteristics of domestic violence perpetrators:

seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner.

punish their partner for resisting control.

Men who batter:

minimize the seriousness of their violence.

act impulsively.

distrust others.

need to control people and situations.

express feelings as anger.

A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that "if only" she had acted differently, he wouldn't have abused her. Sometimes he will say, "You made me do it."

. . . they become more and more abusive . . .
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 02:24 pm
agreed, but would an abuser wait SEVEN YEARS to show the signs?

Charms has been in a relationship with this man and presumably his family for a very long time and he showed none of his abusive tendancies. That's why I asked about previous tussles with the cousin. I agree she's in a very scary situation and if it were me I don't think I'd be waiting around for round two but if she's gone head to head with the cousin before and didn't see her husband's wrath then I don't get it. What was different this time except the wedding ring?

I'm not excusing his behaviors for an instant - the name calling alone would have sent me packing, but there's something missing here.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 02:38 pm
Since the laws in the USA are different from those in other countries, I've found & am posting the laws in South Africa. (In this case the laws don't seem so different.)


Report crimes against women. Call SAPS Crime Stop 08 600 10111

What is Domestic Violence?
The conduct which constitutes domestic violence may be divided into different categories which include
and economic abuse between persons who are in a domestic relationship with one another.

In addition to the above, conduct between persons who are in such a relationship which, according to the Act, also qualifies as domestic violence include -
damaging of property
entry into the residence of the victim without consent, where the parties do not share the same residence or, any other controlling or abusive behaviour towards a victim, where such conduct harms, or may cause imminent harm to the safety, health or well-being or the victim.

Duties of Police Officers
The new Act sets out duties for the police official at the scene of domestic violence or when a domestic violence case is reported.
The member must first of all determine whether the complainant is in any danger and take all reasonable steps to secure the scene and to protect the complainant from any further harm.
Once the scene has been secured, the member must -
(a) render such assistance to the complainant as may reasonably be required in the circumstances,
(b) if it is reasonably possible to do so, hand a written Notice to the complainant and explain the contents of the Notice to the complainant, e.g.
(i) the right to lay a criminal charge
(ii) the right to apply for a protection order
(iii) the right to lay a criminal charge as well as apply for a protection order. It is important to inform the complainant that laying a criminal charge is not a prerequisite for applying for a protection order.

The Notice must be provided to the complainant in the official language of his or her choice.
A member must assist the complainant to find suitable shelter or make arrangements for the complainant to find suitable shelter.
A member must assist the complainant to obtain medical treatment or make arrangements for the complainant to obtain medical treatment.

Specific Powers and Duties of Members in Terms of the Domestic Violence Act
The court may, in terms of section 7(2)(a) of the Domestic Violence Act, order a member to seize any arm or dangerous weapon in the possession or under the control of a respondent.
(a) A member may arrest a respondent who has contravened any prohibition, condition, obligation or order contained in a protection order . A complainant may hand the warrant of arrest together with an affidavit, wherein it is stated that the respondent contravened such protection order, to any member.
(b) If the member is of the opinion that there are insufficient grounds to arrest the respondent, her/she must immediately hand a written notice to the respondent (Form 11), and must hand the certificate, provided for in the notice, to the respondent. The member must forward a duplicate original of this notice to the clerk of the court.
(c) Whenever a warrant of arrest is handed to a member of the Service as contemplated in par (b), the member must inform the complainant of his or her right to simultaneously lay a criminal charge against the respondent, if applicable, and explain to the complainant how to lay such a charge. 3. A member may be ordered by the court to serve an interim or final protection order. 4. A court may order a peace officer (which include any member) in a protection order, to accompany the complainant to a specified place to assist with the arrangements regarding the collection of the personal property specified in the order. Such member must take reasonable steps to ensure the safety of the complainant during the collection of the property.

Record Keeping of Domestic Violence Cases
All domestic violence incidents which are reported to the police station must be recorded in the Domestic Violence Register. (At present no figures exist regarding the number of domestic violence cases reported to the Service because there is no such crime as "domestic violence". Incidents of domestic violence are included amongst figures relating to assault gbh, assault common, rape, attempted murder, pointing of a firearm, etc. The introduction of this register will ensure that this situation changes.) 2. Regardless of whether or not a criminal offence has been committed, a member must fully document every incident of domestic violence on the form entitled Report of Domestic Violence Incident. 3. Where no arrest is made or any charge laid, the member must document the reasons for not doing so in his/her Pocket Book.
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Bella Dea
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 02:43 pm
J_B wrote:
agreed, but would an abuser wait SEVEN YEARS to show the signs?

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Debra Law
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 02:52 pm
Some facts about domestic violence:

“The family, with the exception of the military in times of war and the police, is society’s most violent institution.” (Gelles p. 35) Domestic violence is widespread. In US studies approximately 25% of all couples surveyed reported an incident or incidents of domestic violence. A minimum of 2,000,000 women in the US are severely assaulted each year, and between 21% and 34% of all women will be assaulted by an intimate male during their adulthood. (APA) Statistics Canada estimates that 29% of women over the age of 16 have been sexually or physically assaulted by a marital partner. Assault usually recurs, once one incident has taken place. . . .

Although there is abuse during courtship – 32% of college women in a US study reported some form of aggression from dates or partners - abuse tends to occur more frequently after the partners have been committed to the relationship, and early in the marriage or common-law union. In the US, 73% to 85% of abused wives reported that their husbands were not abusive until after the marriage took place.

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Bella Dea
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 03:03 pm
Thanks for doing the leg work Debra.
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Debra Law
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 03:08 pm
Content of Fight
This is from the same lecture (link posted above) concerning family violence:

Violent episodes begin with confrontational arguments. The arguments have a content. The leading issues in the episodes studied were (1) sexual jealousy (2) money (wife’s wish for housekeeping money, or their complaints about husband’s wasting money on drink or gambling.) (3) wife’s performing her domestic duties.

The content is less important than the central issue in the confrontation, which is “the relationship between husband and wife.” The relationship involves a pattern of domination and subordination, to which the wife is expected to adhere. “Women were re-quired to agree with their husbands and accept their position of authority regardless of its merit.” (p. 502)

Men expect that their interests come first, because they are men. They believe that their rights come ahead of those of women. They do not focus on the needs and concerns of others, particularly when the others are women. Violent men do not feel that women have the right to make claims on them, and they believe that claims made by women should be quieted by force.

Charm was abused during the course of an argument or debate with her husband's cousin concerning the roles of men and women in a relationship. Charm's husband entered the "debate" to put her in her place -- as HE perceives it to be now that she is his wife. Now that they're married, he will not allow her to espouse her views concerning independent, liberated women. He needed to dominate her and get her under his control. Now, he is demonstrating anger and blaming her.

Everything Charm wrote demonstrates that her husband is an ABUSER. If she honestly assesses his behavior during the years she knew him prior the marriage -- the warning signs were probably there all along.

I would pack my bags and leave -- immediately.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 03:11 pm
Thank you (((( Bill )))) for the pm. Sorry I couldn't answer it. I'm still unable to do pm's.


I am SO SORRY. Your pain cuts into me like a knife, for I know exactly what you are feeling as I remember the first time I was abused.
I know your shock. I feel your confusion. I know how hopeless you feel. I can almost hear the many questions that float through your mind. How could this happen? Did I do something wrong? I must have.......he has never hit me before.

Charms, you need to stand your ground and be stronger than you have ever been in your life right now. The questions that taunt your mind over this.....although they are normal, can be a huge downfall in this situation. Don't question yourself. Don't even let the slightest hint of it being your fault inside your mind. Oh God PLEASE don't do that.

You were together for alot of years and he never abused you. Men like him are the worst kind of abusers. Don't think for one second that there were not times he thought about it. He was just smart enough to know that he would never get his PRIZE if you knew what he was truely capable of. So he controlled it. He doesn't have to control it anymore. In his mind he owns you now.

The sad thing is.....it will not stop here. Abusers get an adrenaline rush from the "show of power." He has tasted it now. Not unlike someone that gets started on a drug like cocaine.......he tasted it, it felt good to him. He will need more.

Please don't underestimate him.

Charms......my abuser was a pillar of society. He was smart. Extremely sexy and good looking. Girls turned their heads everywhere we went. He was successful in the business world. And he was alot older then me. He seemed very established in every way possible. He treated me like a princess. He was so different than guys my own age. He was sweet and kind and loving. Always opening doors for me. Very respectful. HARDLY my idea of what an abuser was supposed to be like.

It was very easy for me to think it had to have been my fault. To top it all off........he had been married before. He had two children. He never abused her.......just me. I know this for a fact because her and I have sat down and talked since all of this has happened. She could not believe it herself.

If you were to ask him why he did not abuse her. His answer would floor you. I asked him.......and here was his answer:
I didn't love her. I only married her because she was pregnant. But I love you more than life and I don't know how to handle all of this love. You treat me too good. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. I fear losing you. It makes me do crazy things. I can't live without you. Most of his outbursts were from his extreme jealousy. I got beat everytime a guy looked at me. And God help me if he thought I looked back. So I learned to walk with my head low and looking at the ground.

I guess that was his definition of love.

The only reason I told you the above.......is to let you know that an abuser is never at fault in his mind. Mine, also, would tell me all the reasons he had to hit me. The strongest reason to him was his sick deep love. And I hate calling it love because I know it was NOT. But what I'm trying to say......is there will always be a reason. All of them lies. All of them excuses he gives himself to justify his actions.

The beatings get worse. MUCH worse. Why am I alive today? I really do not know. It wasn't until he took the child growing inside of me ..that I even had the strength to fight back.......because by then I didn't care what happened to me. Death would have been a welcome event for I would have finally found peace.

Love yourself enough, Charm.........to not stay with this man. Fear for what lies ahead if you do stay.

Grab your phone book and look up any shelter that might be close to you. Call the DV hotline....there are people waiting to talk to you.

Don't let your mind give you reasons to stay.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 03:20 pm
I think Debra is right on the money. This man has emotionally and physically abused you, and he justified it, meaning that he will not stop the behavior. Dating someone for 7 years means nothing. People can avoid showing their nature until they move in with you.

I would say that you should demad that he get therapy. If he refuses, don't argue with him, just move out when you can without a big blowup, and refuse to see him. You might have to get therapy yourself to learn why you were attracted to such a man.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 03:53 pm
He's been probably holding back from this kind of behavior for those seven years and finally gave into it. It's really hard to break the beliefs you grow up with. Did you guys live in a different country for those five years.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:05 pm
justa_babbling_brooke wrote:
Thank you (((( Brooklyn )))) for the pm. Sorry I couldn't answer it. I'm still unable to do pm's.
(((( Brooklyn )))) No problem darlin... thank you for coming. Maybe this will be the rare one that gets saved!

Charms, I hope you're paying attention. Get Out NOW!
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:08 pm
Hey Charms..........One more thing.

I know you are letting it be known to your husband that what he did to you was not acceptable.

In his mind.........it may not be acceptable, but it dang sure is something he got away with. For no matter how much you cry or steer clear of him, you are still in the same house as he.

Since you are still there......he got away with it. That means he can do it again. (in his mind)

If you do not want to divorce him........do a seperation. Tell him that you will not tolerate such abuse. Tell him to leave. IF he says no, tell him you are having him escorted out via law enforcement. Tell him there is no second chance in situations such as this. BUT MAKE SURE the police are ALREADY with you when you do this. They will make sure he does not hurt you.

If you still want to try and make this work between you...when he begs you to let him stay.... tell him after he gets himself into therapy and goes for a good long time.. you will talk. But you make no promises.

I would like to see you toss him to the curb.......but I know from experience it doesn't usually happen that way.

Stand your ground.
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Bella Dea
Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:11 pm
Thanks Brooke. We needed you. :wink:
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:18 pm
Wow Brooke, I'm reading your story for the first time.
My heart goes out to you and kudos for being so frank and
open about your ordeal.

Gosh, you have such an sweet, angelic face and been
through hell already.

Domestic violence it seems, is one of the greatest
secrets women carry around with them. I hope for every
one of them, that they'll find the strength to leave
those bastards.
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 04:37 pm
Awwwww thanks Bill, Kristie, and Calamity.

But no thanks are needed. Helping others....or at least trying to, is twofold for me. Besides the obvious, it is how I heal myself. For what he took from me, I can never get back. And all is not lost if my loss can be someone elses gain.

Thanks Embarrassed
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Reply Tue 4 Jan, 2005 07:58 pm
I am a fairly nonaggressive woman. Once, at a party, I threw a beer, or, more correctly, a fraction of a beer, in a guy's face, a guy who was badmouthing a woman friend. I think I was partly trying to be funny, but was also angry.
I admit to having had a few drinks, though not all so many. I was lucky he forebore to sock me, which would have made stuff much worse, as he was a pal of my husband. As it happened, that evening just faded away. F. was always a cocky showoff, bright though he was and is, and I like him, er, to some extent. I lost it and have no excuse for the inexcusable physical rebuff.

I haven't done that or anything like it since, and that was, lessee, in 1979.

This is not to excuse your mate, but to say I understand the humanity of people involved.

My take is your husband is quite geared to the approval of the pal/cousin, and (I can say from my present viewing age), he is much more interested in the pal's view than your's as the pal's substantiates his ongoing view of himself in the world.

I see deep trouble ahead, and hardly can envision how it could get better. A lot of discussion, and, well, I don't know;
maybe with a lot of discussion, perhaps he can swing around to thinking of his mate as his equal, but, given his near hero worship of the pal, one wonders.

And finally, there is that business of actually Giving Pain.

Me, with what I know now, I'd be working out the business of getting out, and quickly.
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Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 12:03 am
Brook, I'm also hearing your story for the first time and think it is really brave of you to be willing to tell it to help others. I'm sure it must be hard. Glad you got out and I am so sorry that you lost your baby because of it.

One of my three sisters had an abusive husband and I still can barely stand to say his name. He messed with her mind for years. One of his tricks was to have the Alaskan police (who should have known better) track her down because she was "stealing" his (their) car. He'd dragged her off to Alaska where she knew no one. She finally left him for good when he knocked her down as she was pregnant with one child and holding the other... the SOB. His parents & family still say it was my sister who was abusive. According to his family and friends, *HE* was wronged and my sis should never have left him. (Obviously she was lying; he was a good boy with good breeding and plenty of $$.) Sometimes you just can't get through to people. He managed to come out smelling like roses. He still has piles of money now and a live-in gf who looks like she's being abused, but maybe the money is worth it? <shrug> This is a guy who, when his second daughter (that would be the one who was inside my sis when she was knocked down) was skiing with him & his family BROKE her arm the first day, told her to suck it in and not spoil everybody's vacation. She didn't have that arm set 'til the end of the week... everybody else continued to ski.

What amazes me is that these guys who are abusive act like real he-men. They're so tough... they can beat on their women. Total, unmitigated jerks.
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Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 01:16 am
coluber2001 wrote:
I would say that you should demad that he get therapy. If he refuses, don't argue with him, just move out when you can without a big blowup, and refuse to see him. You might have to get therapy yourself to learn why you were attracted to such a man.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I agree that the husband should get therapy. But I do NOT agree that Charms needs to get therapy to "learn why you were attracted to such a man." The man was not abusive when she met him. From what she has written, that was obviously a well-hidden part of the person to whom she was attracted. Telling Charms she needs therapy will make her feel as though there is something wrong with her when the truth is, she is innocent here. This is IN NO WAY her fault. I know you didn't mean to, coluber2001, but you're blaming the victim.

I have a friend who married a man who hid his deep financial problems from her. Shortly after they married, she became aware of them. She quickly divorced him. (YAY!) Was she at fault? Of course not. She couldn't have known...he went to great lengths to cover his tracks until the bills started arriving at THEIR place and she opened them. No one in his immediate family even knew. Nor did his business partners. Clearly, the fault was not hers. He was a cheater and a liar and deserves total blame for trying to trick an unsuspecting lover into assuming responsibility for his debts. Of course, he tried to put part of the blame on her for the situation. But my friend was too smart and too secure in herself to fall for it. Charms' husband sounds a lot like my friend's ex. He obviously hid his true self until after he got her to marry him. <sigh> It's an old story.

If Charms can benefit from counseling in any way, it will be in learning how to best deal with this awful predicament. All of us sometimes find ourselves in situations we cannot handle...I'm glad she came here and talked to us. I hope she listens and finds a safe place because I, too, fear that she will need one.

I'm lucky. I've never been physically abused by a partner, but I have been emotionally abused. And I will never stand for that again. Nor should any woman allow herself to be abused in any way. Let's be absolutely clear about this...the man's bad behavior is nobody's fault but his own. And he should be held FULLY responsible for it.
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Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 01:22 am
And Brooke, you darling...if I were so inclined, I'd kiss you myself. Wink
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Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 02:11 am
I'm surprised how many of you immediately respond saying that she should get out of this relationship asap.

Yes, he did a bad thing. But in perspective...

1) They just got married
2) They've been seeing each other 7 years
3) He's never done anything like this before

I think that is a lot to throw away, or to suggest to throw away, so quickly...without even attempting to solve the problem.
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