5
   

My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

 
 
Charms
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:16 am
So a typival abuser would shower me with gifts and be overwhelmingly romantic and loving?

Our household is back to normal... we have always been a loving couple and we were always hugging and kissing, laughing together and chatting. It is exactly like it was 2 weeks ago. He isn't treating me any differently, there is no overwhelming,on- purpose romanticism from his side.

So maybe he's not a "typical abuser" ?
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:20 am
Charms Im as confused as you.

If you want to stay with him then stay with him.
If he abuses you verbally,mentally and/or physically again,get out.I agree he should respect you from the time you met but if your relationship is worth a go then he deserves a second chance.
Im sure you will make the right decision as you are aware you deserve to be treated better and you have grown strong from this.

I wouldnt read into the flowers/gifts thing.Youll go loopy analysing little things like that.
As people have said you need to pay attention to how he respects you.
0 Replies
 
squinney
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:21 am
Hi, Charms.

I just want to stick my head in again and say that I wish you well. I will continue to keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

I am glad to hear that he apologized. That is always good to hear. I think some of us are just leery of believing it since apologies and remorse are a known part of the pattern of abuse.

Bear, another poster to this forum, is my husband. He has never laid a hand on me to hurt me physically. He has however been wrong about other things in the past. He used to apologize by sending flowers - huge beautiful bouquets from a friends florist shop that were very victorian and gorgeous!

We had things in our marriage that were wrong. It took a lot of work and change on both of our parts, but we did fix them.

I guess what I'm saying is, flowers and apologies and remorse... Might be a pattern of a serial abuser. It might also just be an opening of the door for the two of you to fix what is wrong. Not loading you up with gifts and flowers might mean that he didn't find it appropriate to bribe you into staying, or it might mean he just didn't think about it at all. Not all guys think the same. You know him best. You will have to be the one that decides what it means. Trust yourself to know what you need to do for yourself.

Again, I wish you well. Just listen to your instincts and keep the information you now have about abuse handy.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:26 am
Quote:
So maybe he's not a "typical abuser" ?


I hope for your sake, that he isn't. But you really don't know yet, do you?

Charms- I don't want you to think that I am being harsh, or attempting to "rain on your parade". Your husband showed a very bad side of him to you............and I would not let him off the hook so easily.

Apparently, you are looking for any sign that the abusive behavior was an anomaly, and that it will never happen again. Don't you realize that "wishful thinking" is very common with women who have been abused?

I think that your husband needs to have a long term "track record", before you can safely say that what happened was a one time glitch.
0 Replies
 
graffiti
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:41 am
Phoenix, what part of what either of us has written is so difficult to comprehend?

It's clear that the majority who posted here, including Charms herself, are either ignorant of the pervasiveness of abuse or, perhaps, they are unable to acknowledge same in their own relationships.

Question
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:46 am
Quote:
Phoenix, what part of what either of us has written is so difficult to comprehend?


graffiti- It is all very clear to me. That is exactly why, when Charms attempts to minimize what has happened to her, that I attempt to point her in the direction of understanding the probabilities.
0 Replies
 
graffiti
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:48 am
Phoenix - Precisely. (I'm sure you know minimizing is also a big part of this.)

:wink:
0 Replies
 
Charms
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:53 am
No problem, I understand that everyone who had any replies only had my best interest at heart and for that I am greatful.

I will always be weary of him now, I did see his bad side and because I have never seen that side of him I was taken aback and confused and rightly angered. I know that our relationship will never be the same again.

When I decided to asks for help from A2K, I did it with the intention of saving my marriage. My husband's apology and his willingness to go for counselling was a sign to me that there might be a 2nd chance for us, and that saving our marriage is inportant to him too.

But, I will always be aware of the fact that he actually did abuse me, and all I can do is pray, hope and be positive that it'll not happen again.

Thanks for all the advice guys... I have really learnt so much from this forum... and no, I don't think you are harsh.... just concerned... Smile
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 06:56 am
Its simple
Either Charms stays with her husband who may abuse her again
or
Charms splits up with her husband and tries not to go out with anyone who is 'charming'.
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 07:34 am
material girl wrote:

Charms splits up with her husband and tries not to go out with anyone who is 'charming'.


I will take it that you said that jokingly. Smile

Charms..........it is simply everyones wish on here that you are never hurt again. Only time will give you your answers, my friend.

While it is true that your husband may abuse you again somewhere down the road....it is also true that there is the possibility that this was an isolated incident.

Either way..........you are both moving forward again. I respect that and my prayers for you are that you have the very best.

I would like to add one thing though. Now that you are working things out and it all seems to be going in the proper direction, thus far......please make sure that he follows up with therapy. It's easy for promises such as this to fall through the cracks once the kissy-huggy stage is back again.

Take care, Charms...and God bless you. Please don't be a stranger on the forum! We have all grown to like you.http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v37/heavens_just_a_kiss_away/hug.gif
0 Replies
 
OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 07:53 am
Charms wrote:
So the fact that he didn't give me Flowers, or gifts is actually a good sign?
For clarification's sake, darlin, dinner was your "flowers and gifts. So far you are following the predicted path to the letter. I suspect a few of the posters here who recognize this are respecting your decision out of respect to you. I mean no disrespect myself, but remain unconvinced that there is anything to celebrate in your reconciliation with your abuser. I'm also guessing you didn't see that the flowers and gifts part was explained by hyperlink to an earlier post.
To see the post, Click here..

Edit= Almost forgot the hugs. (((( Charms ))))
0 Replies
 
BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 09:11 am
Hi Charms,

I'd like to second Brooke's note that the important thing here is to make SURE he follows through with therapy.

I can certainly understand how you would want everything to return to the way it was the day before it all happened. Sadly, there will never be a going back...you are right, your marriage has changed forever.

Please make sure he goes to therapy. And please remember, me and lots of other folks here are thinking of you and wishing you happiness and joy! Big hugs to you.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jan, 2005 08:42 pm
I can't remember if I posted here, except to generally agree with the worried.

I can see why you want to give him a chance.

I don't want you to gratefully - because the crisis is moving on - shut down the real possibility you may have to move out of the situation fast one day, and I hope you think about and line up your options, re place to go, local shelter, separate bank account, other things Brooke may suggest. I don't want you to slam all that down as an area of complete dread, which I know it is, and not have visualized yourself moving on.

I don't think that working this out is destructive to do, I think it gives you backup as a full human person.
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Jan, 2005 03:17 am
Good advice Ossobucco,its not gona hurt to make plans jsut incase.

I think now it is a case of waiting.Only time will tell.
0 Replies
 
Charms
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Jan, 2005 06:29 am
yes, only time will tell.

Thanks for all the advice...

Cheers
0 Replies
 
OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Jan, 2005 07:38 am
:sad: You're welcome. :sad:
0 Replies
 
graffiti
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Jan, 2005 07:43 am
OCCOM BILL wrote:
:sad: You're welcome. :sad:


Quite. Rolling Eyes
0 Replies
 
OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Jan, 2005 01:02 am
How are you Charms? Wishing you well here.
(((( Charms ))))
0 Replies
 
Montana
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Jan, 2005 02:28 am
I was wondering how you were as well, Charms and of course you have my best wishes too.

I like your new avatar Bill ;-)
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Jan, 2005 03:03 am
Occom,you no longer look like my brother you have now chaged to an actor I cant place.

Where are you Charms, hows it going?
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
Copyright © 2021 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 10/19/2021 at 03:59:43