My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

What if there is no answer?

An anonymous wise man once said about marriage, "look for solutions, not answers."

What if there is no solution?Except dont get married and never disagree with someone elses opinion.

There are always soultions, sometimes not so pretty, sometimes very good and healthy, often a combination of both. Married people often disagree. Not all of them get abusive about it. They find solutions.

As someone who was abused both emotionally and physically, I can only explain how it happened with me and how I've seen it happen to others, like Brooke. In my situation, my ex (the abuser) was the sweetest, kindest, most respectful person when we started seeing eachother and he continued to be all these things for the first 6 months of our relationship. By that time I found out I was pregnant, which is when it all began. It started off mild and got worse as time passed. He started by becoming possessive with me and showing signs of jealousy and before I knew it, I couldn't leave the house without telling him exactly where I was going and how long I'd be. If I took 5 minutes longer than I said I would, then he'd be all over me asking what took me so long. Eventually he started running my errands so I wouldn't have to leave the house. He would drill me endlessly if I said so much as hello to a guy that I knew. Having male friends was not allowed. As time went by he became physical. It started with grabbing my arm (like with Charms), then it got more severe in time. He had hit me countless of times, tried to choke me, etc.... It would take me a very long time to explain what this man has put me through, but I think you get the idea.
I know how shocking it is when it starts, because I couldn't believe that this wonderful guy, or so I thought, was slowly turning into a monster.
It took me 5 years to finally push him out of my life, but I shouldn't have waited 2 seconds. When you're abused, it leaves emotional scars that stay with you for life.

Mrs. Cav lets you disagree with her? :wink:

That's silly, material girl. Civilized married couples disagree with each other all the time. But they don't hurt each other. They respect each other.

Charms' husband is showing a pattern of blaming her for his bad behavior. Don't accept any blame, Charms. You are not the one at fault.

One of the main things that raises a BIG red flag about Charms' husband with me is that he abused her right in front of someone. That's REALLY bad. Most abusers only do it in private. This makes it even more likely that he will abuse her again.

People don't give up on marriages overnight, no matter what the circumstances. Of course it is taking Charms awhile to make up her mind what she should do. She made a lifetime commitment.

Charms, darling, you must realize by now that you made that lifetime commitment to someone you really didn't know. Consciously or unconsciously, he hid that part of himself from you. In legal terms, that is called "misrepresentation" and it is perfectly legitimate grounds for voiding a contract. You are not obligated to keep the commitment now. In fact, you must remember that your first commitment is to yourself.

I forgot to add that my ex always turned the blame around on me as well. This is a very bad sign!

Charms, I'm sorry things have deteriorated in such a short time. You're obviously very upset and with reason. I have one final bit of advice. As much as we all here on this board can give you our opinions and our advice I strongly encourage you to find someone you can look in the face while getting some support on this. You have some major changes going on right now and everyone here is doing their best to guide you but you could probably get some great benefit by talking to someone in person. It could be a trusted friend, family member, cousellor, spiritual advisor, whatever but I think you need more than just virtual assistance.

{{HUGS}}

edit: typo corrected.

(((( Montana ))))

((((Bill)))) Thanks ;-)

A thoughtful & sensitive post, Eva! Wise words.

From WordNet Dictionary

Sacred

1. [adj] (often followed by `to') devoted exclusively to a single use or purpose or person; "a fund sacred to charity"; "a morning hour sacred to study"; "a private office sacred to the President"

2. [adj] made or declared or believed to be holy; devoted to a deity or some religious ceremony or use; "a consecrated chursh"; "the sacred mosque"; "sacred elephants"; "sacred bread and wine"; "sanctified wine"

3. [adj] worthy of religious veneration; "the sacred name of Jesus"; "Jerusalem's hallowed soil"

4. [adj] concerned with religion or religious purposes; "sacred texts"; "sacred rites"; "sacred music"

5. [adj] worthy of respect or dedication; "saw motherhood as woman's sacred calling"

In the US, we tend to think of marriage as sacred - using the religious definition. But, as you can see, there are other ways to apply the term to marriage, which was why I asked Charms earlier for her to consider what it meant to her. Some people get hung-up on marriage being sacred as if they will go to hell if they get divorced. Others consider it as the first and fifth definition. Can make a big difference in why someone might think they have to stay in an abusive marriage.




There are always signs before. In the beginning it is "charming" when he runs errands for you so you don't have to go out. Afterwards you realize he was controlling where you went without him.

In the beginning it was "charming" that he was so protective of you when he pointed out what a lousy friend your best friend really was. Afterwards, you realize he was the jealous type and was controlling your relationships with others and cutting off your contacts.

In the beginning it is "charming" that he took responsibility for paying the bills - Wow, you really found a winner! Afterwards, you realize he was controlling you monetarily.

In the beginning it was "charming" that he wanted sex so often with you - He must really love you and want to make you feel special. Afterwards, you realize he was physically controlling you.

In the beginning it was "charming" that he bought you clothes and made suggestions for what you should wear to dinner. Afterwards, you realize he was controlling your appearance.

Someone once said that we think of "charming" as being a positive personality trait. It's NOT! Charm is a verb. It is something someone does TO YOU. Think about that. Who was the last person you met that made you think or say "He is so charming!" Whoever it was, he was selling you something. Maybe not a car, or another physical asset, but he was certainly selling some kind of package for some reason. Charm is a verb.

Abuse takes many forms. All forms are an attempt to control. And there are always signs. We just don't pay attention to them.

As charming as an abuser is.....there are signs that they can't hide. Though it is not easy for someone uneducated in DV to pick up.

So, PLEASE read and absorb........carefully.

1- Let's start with the most unrecognizable one. And that is simply their charm. Does that mean every charming guy is an abuser. OF COURSE NOT! An abuser will be exceedingly charming. You will start to think he is your knight. You will get along so well in the beginning. You may even feel that you are deeper in love with him than any man of your past. He is treating you that good.

2- They isolate you........... In the beginning it is very subtle. He may say to you "Lets not go to that party. I wanna just spend time with you" He may even tell you that he can't help being selfish. He just wants you to himself because HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH and every second with you alone is priceless. And when you give into him he showers you with love...to show you how much he loves your alone time.

Really doesn't sound so bad? Am I truely talking about an abuser? Read on.

3-Jealousy...........That in of itself does not mean he is an abuser. BUT..an abuser's jealousy is almost patterned. They will start out just simply being "a little" jealous. Not unlike what you might have seen in other boyfriends. However, with an abuser it becomes more and more constant. He will go from being jealous of a male friend to being jealous of ANY MALE. He has a very hard time hiding this from you. You will start to have possible second thoughts about him at this point. However, remember........he is still VERY CHARMING. Your thought process starts to get confused now.

4- Emotional upheaval....When you have a disagreement, and all couples do....after all is said and done....the blame process begins. Now, I know that we have all seen people that are NOT abusers play the blame game. There are simply people in life that never learn how to accept responsibility for anything. With an abuser.....even the simplist of things are your fault. VERY RARELY if ever will anything be their fault.

5- Contolling.....As your relationship develops he might start to show displeasure at how you dress. My abuser hated for me to wear t-shirts with writing on the front. He said it drew attention to my breasts. He hated that. He never wanted me to cut my hair. Not even a trim job. An abuser will slowly start to control all aspects of your life. As LOVINGLY as they can, at first. :wink:

Now.......how can you tell a charmer from an abuser? We have established here that an abuser can be VERY charming. There are many charming men out there. What an abuser has that a man that is true at heart doesn't........is a mixture of all of the above. And I might add.....his charm is EXCEPTIONAL.

That has been hard for me in trying to develop a new relationship. IF the guy is a true sweetheart.....I find myself very leary of him. But at the same time.....I now know what other signs to look for. And I'll tell ya, I love someone that is charming as much as the rest of you do.

If you are dating someone that exhibits a combination of the above......and ESPECIALLY if he has ALL of them.......your antenna should go up ladies. He may not be abusing you....but his actions at least warrant you pulling in your heart strings a little bit and standing back.

GOOD POST (((SQUINNEY))) !!!

Squinney and Brooke
Awsome posts. Wow! How right you both are, right to the word!

rog- I think that you have missed Brooke's point. (BTW, Brooke and Squinney, your posts were wonderful). The object of staying away from tha party has nothing to do with the guy not liking parties.

The purpose is to isolate the woman from her friends and family, in order to achieve complete control over the woman. In that way, the woman is deprived of feedback from other people, that might get her to thinking about what is happening to her.

Roger
Relax there buddy, lol. All the signs go together in a bunch, so as long as you're just a party pooper, you're not considered an abuser ;-)

Montana- Now if rog is a party pooper, and walks around the streets mumbling to himself, that's an entirely different problem altogether! :wink:

roger does not mumble