My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

I know you are right.... Wow, I didn't think it would be this difficult to leave someone. I always told myself that a man would never hurt me! It's just so hard to accept and just leave... Crying or Very sad

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Even a week or so away, so you can distance yourself a bit & consider your options could be a good move at this point. Things appear to be going from bad to worse on the home front. Not the best situation to discuss your concerns.

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Quote:

What is wrong with a spouse looking in THEIR spouses wallet.
WHAT DID CHARM HAVE TO HIDE?

I don't know about you, but I would not dream of looking in my husband's wallet, unless he asked me to, or I asked his permission first. To me, it is a gross invasion of privacy.

In marriage, there are still parts of life that are sacrosanct.

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Charms- It is the gathering of your emotional resources that is the most difficult part. I think that once you leave, you will be filled with relief.

I divorced my first husband, and I had a child. It took me a number of years to get up the courage, but I did not have a supportive group of people to whom I could ventilate, and get advice and opinions.

You CAN do it. You are a strong woman, and in your heart of hearts, you know what is best for you!

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I am a strong woman yes, I just love him so very much.... But, I know that I must leave, and I also want to save my marriage. I must leave, but I don't want to... it's so difficult! I wish non of this ever happened... we were so good together before all this drama Crying or Very sad

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Quote:

I wish non of this ever happened... we were so good together before all this drama

Charms.......but this is such a common scenario with an abusive spouse. Often, the abuser is perfectly charming at first. And that is what is so difficult. You have been seduced to believe that this is a great guy whom you love to pieces...................but then the abuse surfaced.

You aren't the first woman to be taken in by this sort of behavior, and you won't be the last. But you were smart enough that you picked up on this BEFORE he had you so hornswoggled, that he would be able to crush you emotionally. Be grateful that you had that wisdom to question this man's behavior, before it was too late.

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Well, I'm leaving now, he is picking me up from work, then I'm going home... I'll take a nice hot bath and read all the replies I have printed. Registering with A2K is th best thing I have ever done... It's stressful to keep all these feelings to oneself and have no-one to talk to.
You guys have helped me to see that my husband is an abuser and what happens next is up to me, and me alone. I can only hope and pray that whatever I do is the right decission (because I am still hesitating to leave.... )I know, I know... I have to get the hell out of there! if not now then the next time might be too late.............
never imagined it could be THIS difficult!
Until monday then Thanks for all the support! Rolling Eyes

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Wow! I just spent 45 minutes reading this thread. I'm speechless.

Well, almost:

Brook - I'm heartbroken for you. I had no idea. Hard lesson to learn, but how great that you have used that life changing experience to benefit others.

Bill - Great advice and a very surprising understanding of how all of this works. You have been "right on" with all of your advice, IMO.

Charms - As you can see there are others that have been in your situation or one similar. I encourage you to not only listen, but study. Mentally go through your own belief system and figure out why you believe as you do things like marriage being sacred, a womans place, privacy of a wallet, "not taking this crap," etc.

There are no right or wrong answers. What is important is having an understanding of your own beliefs and where they came from. Who taught you marriage is sacred? Why do you believe it? Is it societies belief or my own? In what instance is it not sacred?

Then move on to the next topic. You say you are a strong woman, you do not have any fear of him, and you don't have to take this crap. Why? What makes you strong? Make a list (mentally if you don't want him to find it written down) of what your strongest points are. How do you show your strength? Where did you get this strength? Who taught you to stand up for yourself? Then, keep reminding yourself of your strengths.

This is basically an exercise in understanding. You need to know the who, when and why in order to get a perspective. You say you can't leave right now. Why? Be specific. Know why you feel this way and where the root of that belief comes from. Fear? Fear of what? You don't have to share it here, but know for yourself so that you can face it head on.

PLEASE know that there are plenty of people that have come through this before. There are thousands that know what you are going through and KNOW not only the heartache, but also the gut wrenching growth that is seemingly thrust upon you. You may not feel "ready" for this life lesson, or resentful that you are being faced with it, but life usually knows better than we do. Wasted 8 years? What about 12 or 15 or 20? If you learn from it, it wasn't a mistake. It only becomes a mistake and a waste of years of your life when no growth and learning takes place.

I'll stop for now. Know that my heart is with you. Be who you are. Be strong, girlfriend! Be strong!

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I hope you do it and manage to get over it soon.

Im a bit concerned about comments like 'at first the abuser is charming, you get seduced into believing he is a great guy then the abuse surfaces'.
How are Charm and the rest of us supposed to tell the difference between and abuser and a perfectly decent person.

I think, if possible you must tell any future girlfriends he has what he is capable of,Im sure you dont want it happening to someone else.

Good luck and hope to hear from you next week.

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Sounds like you're going to turn the corner after all Charms.

Charms wrote:

You guys have helped me to see that my husband is an abuser and what happens next is up to me, and me alone.

That little sentiment there always comes up too... but usually not until the woman has suffered numerous horrors. Smile

You are a remarkable woman, Charms. Now make the right decision darling. We're all pulling for you. Hugs->(((( Charms ))))

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material girl wrote:

I am trying to see things from his point of view too.

You can see out your ass?

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material girl wrote:

Surely in a marriage you SHARE things if you dont think married people do then maybe you need to look at your conceptions of appropriate marital behaviour.
.

You are obviously not married. My husband and I never look through each others wallet/purse without asking first.

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Your really not promoting marriage here.
Im glad Im not married if this is what its like.

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Marriage is wonderful! It isn't two people who suddenly lose their identities and are merged at the hip. It's two people who share each others lives, respect each others individuality and PRIVACY and grow by learning from the other. Marriage isn't "ok, we're married so now everything you ever had as a single person is mine." The old saying "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" is funny but not realistic.

My husband and I don't have a whole lot of things that we do privatly but I would never think of rifling through his things. It's rude and disrespectful. He doesn't do it to me. I don't have anything to hide but it's about respect. How can you say someone loves you or that you love someone if they don't respect you and you don't respect them?

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material girl wrote:

I hope you do it and manage to get over it soon.

Im a bit concerned about comments like 'at first the abuser is charming, you get seduced into believing he is a great guy then the abuse surfaces'.

If you think about it; it could happen no other way. If instead of a kiss goodnight after a first date, he slapped you in the kisser, you wouldn't see him again. Earlier you wrote:

Quote:

If he had verbally abused her first then she would be out of there, the fact that he didnt may mean he is a 99% decent guy and the violence may be an isolated incident.

Hell, I'll spot you the 99%. That's probably spot on. The Devil's in the details. Literally in this case. 1% means approximately every hundredth time a certain criteria is met, the Violent Stranger comes back. I've stepped in front of this stranger on behalf of a friend before, and there was no trace of the thoughtful intelligent, jovial man he had been just seconds before. During this period of rage there is no "reasoning" going on that I could see. My friend tells me that she tries hard to meet the Stranger's demands, but there's usually no satisfactory answer to offer. It's like reasoning with a wounded bear.

material girl wrote:

How are Charm and the rest of us supposed to tell the difference between and abuser and a perfectly decent person

That is perhaps the best question I've seen asked on A2K or anywhere else. Too bad I only have a sh!tty answer. My limited experience with these animals tells that there is no discernable difference between a charmer and a charmer hiding 1% abuser. So, you get familiar with signs... Catch phrases that betray the logic disconnect needed to justify that which is unjustifiable. "You brought this on yourself" "If you didn't push my buttons" "You made me do it". These are the words of the 99% trying to justify the deeds of the 1%. There is some form of a mental disconnect that makes an abuser think these are logical statements. THEY'RE NOT. Now, if a woman hears these statements and believes them, odds are she's a victim in training, whether she's been abused yet or not. We are all responsible for are own actions and if you know someone who thinks otherwise (or you do) beware. The Stranger is coming.

material girl wrote:

I think, if possible you must tell any future girlfriends he has what he is capable of,Im sure you dont want it happening to someone else.

On the proven cases, I'd like to see a forehead tattoo on the abuser. Noble thought, but an unfair burden to put on Charms. I think she should get as far away as possible and get busy putting her life back together.

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I would be decapitated if I ever rifled through my wife's purse without asking. Material girl, you have a skewed view of marriage, which needs work and compromise to survive. Part of being married is accepting terms and conditions. To think that marriage is a free-for-all share fest is incredibly naive. My wife doesn't even check my e-mail, and I don't look at hers. That's a decision we made. The same goes for wallets and purses. No offence, but there is no such thing as a fairytale partnership in marriage. One needs to retain some sense of privacy and individuality, within the structure of being a couple. In addition, I haven't responded to this thread so far because the idea of physically or mentally abusing a woman makes me sick to my stomach. I am glad that Charms is making an attempt to get out, and I hope she keeps us informed.

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cavfancier wrote:

I would be decapitated if I ever rifled through my wife's purse without asking. Material girl, you have a skewed view of marriage, which needs work and compromise to survive. Part of being married is accepting terms and conditions. To think that marriage is a free-for-all share fest is incredibly naive. My wife doesn't even check my e-mail, and I don't look at hers. That's a decision we made. The same goes for wallets and purses. No offence, but there is no such thing as a fairytale partnership in marriage. One needs to retain some sense of privacy and individuality, within the structure of being a couple. In addition, I haven't responded to this thread so far because the idea of physically or mentally abusing a woman makes me sick to my stomach. I am glad that Charms is making an attempt to get out, and I hope she keeps us informed.

yup. If he is paying for dinner that night (pizza delivery guy!) and says "money is in my wallet" I grab his wallet and toss it to him. I don't even open it then. Now if he says, "get it out of my wallet for me" I will. But unless there is permission, I don't. Maybe that sounds weird to you material girl but couples set boundaries that have to be respected. Privacy of wallet and purse are something we both respect. He won't get something out of my purse either unless I speciafially say, "please get my chapstick for me...it's in the little pocket..."

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Kristie wrote:

cavfancier wrote:
I would be decapitated if I ever rifled through my wife's purse without asking. Material girl, you have a skewed view of marriage, which needs work and compromise to survive. Part of being married is accepting terms and conditions. To think that marriage is a free-for-all share fest is incredibly naive. My wife doesn't even check my e-mail, and I don't look at hers. That's a decision we made. The same goes for wallets and purses. No offence, but there is no such thing as a fairytale partnership in marriage. One needs to retain some sense of privacy and individuality, within the structure of being a couple. In addition, I haven't responded to this thread so far because the idea of physically or mentally abusing a woman makes me sick to my stomach. I am glad that Charms is making an attempt to get out, and I hope she keeps us informed.

yup. If he is paying for dinner that night (pizza delivery guy!) and says "money is in my wallet" I grab his wallet and toss it to him. I don't even open it then. Now if he says, "get it out of my wallet for me" I will. But unless there is permission, I don't. Maybe that sounds weird to you material girl but couples set boundaries that have to be respected. Privacy of wallet and purse are something we both respect. He won't get something out of my purse either unless I speciafially say, "please get my chapstick for me...it's in the little pocket..."

Word... :wink:

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Can someone give me examples of what is sacred and whats not?

OCCOM-you bought this on yourself/you made me do it.Things said AFTER the violence.No clues before.
How can we tell between a charmer and an abuser-A good question!!!!!!Have I said something you like???????

If charm doesnt help out his new girlfriends, who will?

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material girl wrote:

OCCOM-you bought this on yourself/you made me do it.Things said AFTER the violence.No clues before.

Those same responses are probably present after an obvious logic disconnect in argument too. We all say stupid things sometimes in the heat of an argument but I'd be bewaring of anyone who can't tell right from wrong, even after the fact. That would be a tell in my book.

material girl wrote:

material girl wrote:
How can we tell between a charmer and an abuser -A good question!!!!!!
Have I said something you like???????

Yes, very much. And I'd like to hear more answers from people who know more than I...

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My husband of 9 months bruised my arm

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