10
   

Did I deserve to be hit for cheating?

 
 
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 12:11 am
my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control. we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality

i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend. and he was so mad that he bitch slapped me once and choked me for a couple of seconds. i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go?

he is truly sorry for hitting me. my parents took my phone and read my messages and found out he slapped me and called him to threaten to call the cops but he apologized over and over again

please help
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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 5,907 • Replies: 138

 
Tes yeux noirs
 
  4  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 12:42 am
Finish with this guy. Now. He is dangerous. A lot of men like this can be 'truly sorry', afterward, they may even cry etc, but it's you that could wind up dead or in the hospital.


0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 01:10 am
That doesn't sound very calm to me. I agree with Tes yeux--this guy is dangerous. Run, don't walk, for the nearest exit.
0 Replies
 
Tes yeux noirs
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 03:03 am
This is an abusive relationship. It is already at the 'severe' stage. You know or suspect this or you would not have posted here. Well done for that. Let it be the first step in your journey out of this relationship. A short journey, hopefully, and one you need to start RIGHT AWAY. Don't forgive him. Don't 'let it go'. You'll be letting other incidents go in the the future if you do, and you may not survive one of them.

This is scary:
Quote:
my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control

Often an abusive man will exhibit a dual personality. You knew him as a very calm, controlled person. Right up to the time he hit your face and tried to strangle you. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS MAN.

There are lots of really nice guys, very calm, such gentlemen, who are doing time in jail for injuring or killing their wives or girlfriends. I bet many of them are really sorry. And the women are scarred or worse.

Quote:
he bitch slapped me once

Bitch slap
verb
[with object] US informal
Deliver a stinging blow to (someone), typically in order to humiliate them:

Quote:
and choked me for a couple of seconds.

This is very bad.

Progression of Domestic Violence

PHASE 1: Pre-battering violence: verbal abuse, hitting objects, throwing objects, breaking objects, and making threats; increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. When abusers hit or break objects or make threats, almost 100% resort to battering.

PHASE 2: Beginning levels: pushing, grabbing, restraining.

PHASE 3: Moderate levels : slapping, pinching, kicking, pulling hair.

PHASE 4: Severe levels : hitting, choking, beating with objects, use of weapons, and rape by intimidation, threat or force.

PHASE 5: Calm Stage: Abuser may deny or rationalize the violence, apologizing or promising not to repeat the abuse.(may decrease over time)

The progression of domestic violence may alternate from tension building, where the victim is walking on eggshells to avoid abuse, to the apologetic and remorseful abuser after a violent incident has taken place.

Read this page:
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/vic.htm
Quote:
i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go?

Often the victim feels they have a duty to forgive or overlook the violence, e.g. because they think that as a woman their role is to forgive, accept, smooth over things etc. If you do this you will be sending him a clear message, that he can get away with attacking you.

You should leave this relationship NOW. It may not be easy. I know a lot of people say "Why doesn't she just leave him?". It's often not that easy. You have some people on your side. Your parents know about the situation and are concerned. There is legal help you can get too.

You may well find that the prospect of the end of the relationship brings out his violent streak ("separation violence"). He may threaten you or resort to various tricks to try to win you back, e.g. promise to go to anger management classes, turn to Jesus, etc etc. You have to be strong and get all the help you can maybe including legal steps.

Again - read this page.
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/vic.htm

He did it once and he can do it again. Do you want, some time down the line, to be trapped with him, maybe with kids, getting bitch slapped and choked because you did his eggs wrong or smiled at a guy in the mall, or whatever?
Count of Banterbury
 
  -4  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 03:45 am
@loveplease123,
under what circumstances did you cheated on him? He might be asking the same question "we are together just 2 years and she is already cheating. Should I leave here?"
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  4  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 03:49 am
Please don't listen to this jerk who calls himself a Count. Get out as soon as you can, go to your parents. Do it today.
Tes yeux noirs
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 03:57 am
@Setanta,
Quote:
Please don't listen to this jerk who calls himself a Count.

Indeed. Don't take any notice.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  4  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 06:45 am
@loveplease123,
No one deserves to be hit. No one has the right to hit. A clean break and new start is what you need. Always protect yourself and keep yourself safe. No one has "hit" only once, and no hit has ever been rationalized away as it is with a hitter. There will always be a good reason and you will always be at fault: he will always say you made him do it.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 06:52 am
@loveplease123,
Get out now.

You're a person who made a mistake, yes, but it did not merit violence. This will only escalate. Protect yourself before the damage is permanent and you have wasted a ton of time.
0 Replies
 
parados
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 06:53 am
@loveplease123,
You cheated on him with your ex when you were supposed to be having dinner with him. That made him upset enough to resort to physical abuse.

Why is he staying with you should be the real question. It seems there are some huge problems with your relationship that go far beyond his getting physical one time. It seems the two of you have some real communication problems. You can't communicate enough to say you are unhappy in some way so you cheat on him and he can't communicate that he is upset without resorting to violence.
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 08:08 am
Its the choking part that makes it a no no...the slap, I confess, I would do it myself but as a definitive act of breaking up with you for good. Either you are to young and have to an extenct a partial excuse for imature behaviour or you are a very selfish individual. Nonetheless this problem is no longer about what you did but about the lack of control of your boyfriend. Its over.
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 09:20 am
@loveplease123,
Hitting/violence can be a deal breaker.

Quote:
i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend

But WTF! You broke a dinner date with BF to do your ex???

There is more wrong here than just your BF.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 09:21 am
@loveplease123,
loveplease123 wrote:
we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality


apparently you didn't know him well enough to know that he would react to your cheating with violence

the slap and choking are not acceptable

go to your parents and ask for their help in finding another place to live

0 Replies
 
Tes yeux noirs
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 09:24 am
Someone voted down my detailed reply above. It seems that misogyny is alive and well on A2k.
Ragman
 
  5  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 09:38 am
@loveplease123,
Quote:
my boyfriend is a very CALM person.


Except when he's not. Then he's an out-of-control danger to your safety. Stop being a victim.

The fact that you cheated on him is not justification for him laying a hand on you. It shows poor judgement on your part...but is no excuse for violence.

Lastly, he tried to choke you? ! A slap, in and of itself, is inexcusable but a choke is him being out of control and trying to kill you. What are you thinking?

Find another place to live - yesterday!
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  3  
Reply Sat 9 Apr, 2016 09:43 am
@Fil Albuquerque,
Without exception, the first strike is always, always wrong. She cheated. He hit. Two completely different issues.
Fil Albuquerque
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Apr, 2016 07:31 am
@Tes yeux noirs,
It was me....it seems you make a huge distinction between psychological violence and physical violence...not to mention you do indeed think women deserve some sort of special treatment men don't...so yes you are the guy/girl who proves mysogeny is alive and well...this guy is a no no but she is exactly the same. Comenting one while forgetting the other is not acceptable.
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Apr, 2016 07:32 am
@Tes yeux noirs,
I didn't read that somehow. Really good detailed explanation of how violence works in an abusive relationship: Any relationship with a component of violence is abusive.
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  0  
Reply Sun 10 Apr, 2016 07:36 am
@bobsal u1553115,
...oh sorry lad/lassy whoever is there...I dont care with fashionable common sense nor do I distinguish physical and psychological violence.
Both of them are a disgrace. People on this thread have been brutally partial, its a shame really how narrow minded ppl can be. This guy is a true jerk but she is no rose either. It is appalling to see how people here are dealing with this matter. I am off. Hate dishonest debating and there is nothing here so far worth reading.
Leadfoot
 
  0  
Reply Sun 10 Apr, 2016 08:10 am
@Fil Albuquerque,
Thanks for that. Obviously the guy here didn't handle it properly but I can't believe so many give 'her' a pass on the psychological violence.
 

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