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Fri 8 Jul, 2022 02:18 am
Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice.
As far as I see, it's very famous to hate transgenders in 2022 - our society turned to a very conservative today. If you hate people like me, could you please ignore this thread? If, anyway, you don't want to ignore it, before you leave a hateful message, just one last attempt:
I do not support transgender women in sport, I never visited any LGBT pride, or even LGBT club, and in real life I pretend, that I'm just a straight female - if we work together in one office, or if I am your neighbour, you would probably see in me a normal person - I mean a natural girl. Also, I pay taxes like you and trying to be helpful for a society. If it's not enough to ignore this thread for you, then go ahead and feel free to write me something angry, but please skip what I wrote below - it's for people who could probably really advice me something. Thank you very much, my conservative haters.
So, as I said, I'm a TG girl. I'm 37 y.old, I'm married - my husband knows who I am, but his parents and friends are not - I live in the stealth. We're 6 years together, and we're immigrants. We married in our home country. About 6 month ago, we separated our budgets, but decided to try to save our family. Also, in about 2 months ago, the only relative which accept me, died. Other relatives, like my father, ready to kill me and go into jail, if ever see me again. So, technically, I'm alone in the world. I have only 4 friends outside the internet(and about ~100 in my home country) and my husband. And we about divorced.
There are multiple reasons of it :
First, he wants to return to his home country. Second, we're not good fit in terms of sex. I had a bottom surgery. Despite conservative fakes, it looks natural, and I can have orgasm. In my previous relationships I didn't have this problem. My husband is just too big for me. Time to time things like this can happen even in a case of a natural girl....
Third, in the past, we had a lot of common hobbies - like science, like reading, like cycling, like board games. We visited a lot of science-related events in the past, watched hundreds of youtube videos together, discussed a lot of topics, etc. But last year, he abandoned them all, and only watch political videos on a YouTube. Mostly conservative commentators (and I'm surprised that he was vaxed and boosted like me, because look like he believes in a couple of conspiracy theories. But his hobbies in science helps him to overall keep a clean mind about it). I tried to join, but each time when I comment something, he become angry. But even If I don't watch this content, he wants to discuss it with me, and easy become angry if I say something what he is not agree. What angry means? Well, he destroyed, since this year, 2 my computer monitors, one my smartphone and one e-ink reader which I really loved. Also, he beat me several times(I guess, about 20 times?) - not very hard, never punched me in the face, but I had a lot of bruises after it. Also, once, he used kitchen knife and stashed my arm. But later, said a lot of sorry after it. I have a scar in it after this. Also, he punched me once by his leg in my leg, it was very painful, but for me, it was no any trauma. But he claims, that he is still feel a pain in his leg, and claim, that it's my fault. Probably it's a joke, kinda of post-irony, but I am not sure about it.
We had an American dream, we wanted to buy a house, have pets, etc. I always had a hope to adopt a child. But we never discussed it with husband. My mom-in-law is very conservative, Christian woman. When we lived in our home country, I'm really afraid of her. Right now, and even a couple of years ago, she tends to send me messages in WhatsApp like "save sex is a sin" - it's a cringe, and maybe I have to show it to my husband, but I'm ashamed to do this. Especially because it's her way to let me know that she's waiting a baby, which I can't bear. We're former colleagues with my husband, and first half of year he didn't know that I'm kinda of Frankenstein. When we started to be friends, and start to feel a chemistry, I made a coming out. He accepted me, and I told him, that I hate to be this, and asked him to pretend that I'm just a girl - forget this forever. So, we really rare discuss trans issues, and even less rare discuss my trans-related issues. It's reason why I never reported him these messages of his mom. Last time, we had sex 4 months ago. I think about a correction of my bottom surgery, to make it more deep to make us better fit. But money is a problem. Also, surgery risks is a problem. Additionally, maybe it's too late in our relationships? Maybe I had to do it years ago? I am not discussed it, because tend to ignore everything related to trans life. Ah, and covid of course changed plans of everybody. My to make this surgery - too
Our couple were semi-conservative(and I always liked it): we both worked, but kitchen was only my, apartment cleaning, apartment style etc, was only my. Also, it's mostly me managed meetings with our, my and his friends. But husband always did things like assemble furniture. Since we separated budgets, nothing is changed here from my side. In the most cases my husband buy a food component to prepare something. He said, because I'm against to return to home country, where national food is more common, it could be right if I still prepare it. I'm not against it, because I love to cook, especially to cook for somebody, and because I want to make something good for him, to maybe fix our relationships. But he stopped to do anything what is related to things which is difficult to do for me - because I'm artificial, but a girl, with a real gender dysphoria before I transitioned in 17, always were feminine in the behaviour. So, I have problems with my table (and it not fully prevents my remote work, but often force me to go into office and stay here more than usual), with my desktop (which he helped to fix in the past, and which has problems right now because he punched it - it tends to overheat).
Also, because of death of my relative, I spend a lot of my money (after we separated our budgets), and right now I have 4 thousands dollars debt in my credit card (with a limit 15,000). I have some money in the pension plan, but don't want to touch it. I expected to get annual bonus in my work, but it is not happened, because my environment became very stressful and no longer make me happy. I hope, I am not lost my work because of underperformance. My husband has no any problems with money, he is programmer in FAANG corporation.
Furthermore, I still fill chemistry for my husband, but I feel like somebody else stolen his personality. He changed so much. I time to time think, maybe he has a brain tumour? Or maybe it's kinda of post-covid effects(but he is probably never got a covid or even cold - in the last couple of years)? How do you think, is it any chance if he stops to be so involved in the politics? And return to our common habits/hobbies? - BTW he believes that West is going to lose for China, and it's reason why he wants to return. And I don't want to return, because I'm worried about trans rights in my home country. I am not sure if it will be possible to live there in the stealth mode.
I don't want to divorce, because it was so much good in the past, and because I still believe in our common dreams. Also, if he changed because of covid/brain tumour or something like this, it could be a betrayal to leave him alone. Especially, because I'm not believe in the medicine in our home county. He wanted to by tickets back three times in last half of year, but each time, when I asked him before leave a work (his employer don't have office in our home country) to help me move into a trash can some heavy stuff which is related to our memory, he always changed his mind, because he is probably feel pain about it.
Also, half of year ago, instead of call me kitty, he started to call me a snake. But 3 weeks ago, he started to call me a helminth, and it hurts me each time, I cry. But we still sleep in one bed. And he hugs me sometimes (not every night like year ago or early).
Also, I am not sure if my "value" in the "dating market" is above of zero. There are a lot of girls, which can bear, more yang, more beautiful, etc. I'm not very beautiful, maybe among of transgirls I look more than good. But not among of real girls. The only thing which is beautiful in me is maybe legs. It's not enough. I'm passing is female, but it means nothing, because half of mankind passing as female. There are a lot of fetishists who looking for girls like me, but they don't want a relationship, a family (also, they always want something strange in terms of sex, and probably I'm not something what they're looking for, i'm too old-fashion for this(also they want transgirls without bottom surgery). But in the another hand, maybe I'm too pessimistic - in 2022, two guys(one in a bike track, another in board game club) asked my phone, and I'm free or not.
Another problem is, my friends don't know about me. I usually shopping together with them, discuss their relationship issues, etc. I not sure if I tell them everything, that I keep them as friends. As I said, in my home country I had several transgenders friends, but I don't want to go back. I expect, If I divorce, they want to help me and try to date me with somebody. But I can't do this, because this skeleton in my closet.
In the theory, I like tall, brazen, clever, and kind (like my husband in the past) educated guys. But it's too high grade for me. I expect, if I divorce, I'll be forever alone, and what I can do in this case - make adopt a child.
Thank you guys for your attention, I hope, you can advice me something.
@redHairs,
While gender dysphoria is an issue in your life, it's not the main issue in your marriage.
The main issue is that your husband has beaten and slashed you. You're making excuses for him and saying it wasn't so bad.
Nope. It was bad, full stop.
Deal with your other issues later.
Get out of your abusive marriage
now before you're permanently injured again.
Worry about future relationships, surgery, etc. later.
Get away from your abuser
now.
Your abusive husband had lowered your self esteem so much that you can’t think straight.
Your issue isn’t about your sexual identity, where you live or relatives, it’s about you being with someone who has you trapped.
Unless you see this clearly, you remain stuck.
@redHairs,
As jespah said, key issue is abuse (and possibly a murder attempt) from husband.
Second issue is that you need family, friends, and coworkers that know the real you and support you. You need a healthy social net. This is why the husband is able to degrade and attack you, because you have nobody to go to.
As long as you see your trans status as a skeleton in closet, he is basically blackmailing you. Tell your family, tell your friends. Ask your job if it has any policies about you presenting as female. Also tell them about what he's been doing to you.
Lastly, get that nonsense about conservative hate out of your head. That's Hollywood. But they literally have crossdressers in films just to mock them. Not a good source. Churches I've been to, from liberal to legit Trump voters, not cared. Shops. Family members. It's always been me who was more embarrassed than the people around me. I myself am very conservative. I've been accused of by the woke crowd as having "internalized transphobia". Why? Because I don't have strong dysphoria? My trans journey was learning to accept myself as genderfluid. It is a constant struggle for self-acceptance, but far more rewarding than demanding that nobody misgender me. But conservatives in my experience mostly are okay with other people as long as they aren't forced into something. My conservative dad accepted me. So did my job. Loving yourself is key, and most people accept people like that.
@jespah,
Quote:Get out of your abusive marriage now before you're permanently injured again.
Thanks for answer, but I think, if we divorce, my mind conditions could be even worse
@PUNKEY,
Quote:Your issue isn’t about your sexual identity,
It's not. Maybe it's a bad idea that I disclosed it in this thread. Thanks for answer anyway
@bulmabriefs144,
Quote:As long as you see your trans status as a skeleton in closet, he is basically blackmailing you. Tell your family, tell your friends. Ask your job if it has any policies about you presenting as female. Also tell them about what he's been doing to you.
Well, you probably not understood. I transitioned M >> F, and I hide this. People think, I'm just a female.
Quote:
I've been accused of by the woke crowd as having "internalized transphobia".
I'm sorry, I had similar experience too. I didn't want to walk together with another transgirl which can't pass as female because of safety and privacy reasons.
Quote:Lastly, get that nonsense about conservative hate out of your head.
I don't like radicals from both parts of political spectrum.
But, there are relationship forums which just deleted similar post. I am not expected a hate here from SJW - they usually not attack trans people who ask advice, but conservative radicals - I expected. It's good that I'm wrong.
@redHairs,
I think you have the right to reveal or conceal your personal information at your discretion and there is no doubt that violence towards trans women is a real thing. Preserve your safety first.
@redHairs,
Quote:Well, you probably not understood. I transitioned M >> F, and I hide this. People think, I'm just a female.
Nah, I get stealth. I wanted to transition M->F but I couldn't afford surgery and such, so I wound up mainly just presenting as female for work and church. I ultimately wound up genderfluid, because I was okay as a boy or a girl, though different situations for different stuff. If you can pass, try to pass. For family though, it is good if they know your trans status, and that you have people to talk to. What isn't ideal is where the partner is like "I am the only one who knows about you and accepts you." This means he can basically make you feel like nobody else would love you (so you can't leave). It is very important that this is not true, that you have people you can talk to, who love you as you are. Having more friends and especially people you can trust to know your past, means that a partner cannot trap you in a horrific situation.
The most welcome I ever felt was church.
Quote:Lastly, get that nonsense about conservative hate out of your head.
Maybe not everyone shares that, but I find conservatism as more honest in general. The second most pleased was when I was in an opera presenting female, and my mom and dad happened to come, recognized me, and seemed totally chill. Neither one of them ever voted for a liberal president. But they looked very proud of their daughter. Likewise, when I was at work, they accepted that I wanted to present as a girl, but they made it clear there were modesty expectations (no microminis or fishnets to a library job, no slutty outfits to church, that sorta thing). I understood completely, and I loved them for setting the same standards as they would had I been born a girl.
If a conservative guy doesn't like trans people they are typically forward about it, and you can politely give them space. And sometimes they change their minds about it (the "better a gay son than a dead son"). This doesn't mean they always get things right (see the above quote with regard to trans people, assuming trans equals gay), but it does mean they try.
If a liberal hates trans people (TERF lesbians for example), they can be just as bigoted, but they will often practice heavy doses of self-delusion. A conservative will flatly tell you who they like and don't like. I visited South Africa with a number of church groups, and one of these was a limousine liberal type. The daughter basically refused to share food with black kids because "they might feel bad" or something, and when called out on her bad behavior, walked around like "I can't be racist, I'm liberal." The kids in the group also discovered that the name of the trip was originally Gateway Youth Mission, but when like four blacks joined, they changed the name to Rainbow Youth Mission. Not cool, broadcasting how inclusive you are while not leaving alone the name. And I've had people call me "tranny" when I didn't follow the woke narrative. I have never been treated so much as a fake girl as among the left.
Again, that might not be standard. But it was what I encountered.
It has something to do with conservative mentality, I think. Conservatives value these things: kindness, hospitality, chivalry, hard work, and honesty. There is a chivalry mindset so while in the deep south there is actually a tradition of womanless beauty pageant, the point is that they don't do bad drag. The idea is that they try to respect women by making their pageant contestants look damned good (that hard work mentality).
http://www.femulate.org/2015/07/womanless-beauty-pageant-theory.html
Quote:Traditionally, the South has viewed their girls and women with an inordinate degree of chivalry, seeing them as precious gems to be honored and celebrated for their femininity. To lampoon girls in a womanless pageant with an exaggerated and homely burlesque of the “fairer sex” would be anathema to them. If their boys are going to portray girls for an evening, they will do so in a way that honors and celebrates their beauty and special status.
I suspect my parents would be less keen on me being a drag performer, or mutilating my body. But because I am like I am, they have been very accepting.
@redHairs,
Hi redHairs,
I know this post is a few weeks old, so I'm not sure how things have changed since then (I only just joined the forum today), but did you ever try asking your husband about what happened? Why the change in attitude towards you when up until recently he was so kind? Be gentle in asking - open communication is always so important in a relationship.
@WhoaItsAKitty,
yes. He wants to return in his home country back; Also he is not happy that I don't have same political views. In the past it were not important, because politics were not so important in our couple.
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