HELP! Married but fallen for another man

There's a difference between forgiving and continuing to extend your trust. You can get over the pain of a situation, have no emotion over a past grievance, but still realize it may not be wise to extend your trust. It also depends on the extent of the breach and wether or not it is a pattern of behavior. I agree there are no absolutes.

Sally,
Being attracted to another person isn't, in and of itself wrong, it's what we do with those attractions that will dictate our actions if we allow them to. It's obvious you feel guilty about the situation as you mentioned, and that's a good thing. Uncomfortable, but good. Hard as it will be, I recommend that you stay clear of the other man. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be to break it off. That guilt you feel is hardwired into each of us from the time we're born. The more we push it aside, the easier it is to ignore it. Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband were to come home and ask you for a divorce because he's met another woman; especially after all of the time and life you've invested into your relationship. IMHO, what you're really attracted to, are the emotions/feelings that you're experiencing. Stated differently, you're in love with the idea of being in love. The truth is, that will wear off, sooner than later if you go with your feelings. I'm guessing you've only seen the "good" side of the guy you're seeing, which is normal. Watch his reaction when you tell him you're married. If he says something like "that's o.k.", it's a red flag. Contrary to what Hollywood and other media try to portray as love, love isn't about what's in it for me, but what can I do for the other person. Stated differently, love is 100% give, both ways. When you're dating, you find ways to make the other person happy, and that in turn makes you happy. Unfortunately, all too often when a person is in a relationship, it goes from putting the other person first, to "me first". And that is where a lot of problems begin. I'm guessing this isn't what you wanted to hear, but you asked for help, and I'm just being honest.

They weren't married before.

People who may want to look around are not by definition narcissists.

Procure a relationship with another?

You've a clear bias, Germlat. Which is fine, but you are getting routinely insulting, which says more about you.

Is a2k the new fundy moral charter?

To some extent, engagement is not just making wedding ceremonies, but about being sure. Maybe it is about weddings in the organized wedding world, but it has long been an are you sure period. Ask some priests. Or, maybe not.

People never get to explore?

I was raised with that, and it stinks. Not in my own case, but I married late.

People do not own each other by purring, including with words.

I'm pretty sure most engaged people expect exclusivity. Engagement is a promise to marry. That's why an engagement ring is also called a promise ring. There's nothing wrong with exploring unless you're lying to a person by telling them you are mutually exclusive. My issue is about deceit...I don't even have an issue with poly amorous couples, even if married, just as long as they are in agreement.

You wrote: 'cheating hurts people'.
How about that those other people who fell accidentally in love and not cheating? Doesn't it hurt them? So who said that those people who are
cheated on are more valuable than cheaters?
Just because cheaters are doing something and cheated on just not doing anything?
I can't believe people who are cheated on don't really know that something is wrong and spouse isn't happy and **** is about to hit the fan.

I can not understand your point at all.
Person unhappy in marriage is meeting another person who is also in the same stale pond up to the eyeballs. So they are falling for each other...not in love, but your favorite word lust.
So how soon they both supposed to run to their spouses and declare divorce?
Is there time frame in which these two unhappy people can figure out what is going on and what is going to happen next?
Who does this 'divorce after first lust because I am no good for my marriage cheater?' WHO??? Just don't tell me you had done it.

If we pretend that people here never cheated before. Before I fell into cheaters category I was considering cheating as a deadly sin. I was under impression that if I was cheated on - I would take my life.
So I think most people here (if they are truthful) are from the same company.

After this had happened to me I had realized that I was stupid to the point that I should had taken my life...for stupidity:)

Experiencing sexual relationships with another person opens you for many different things. It is not a deadly sin. It is that chance given to you to maybe even realize that your family is what you are going to be holding on to or it is a chance given to you to say 'enough' and get that divorce or separation but it is not a deadly sin and I would forgive my spouse if he did cheated on me because I am more tolerant now. And this as also a good thing.

About should I be talking to my husband...
Trust me, talked more than I should had and sometimes still talking, but more keeping silent because I am dead inside waiting for something to happen and will resolve itself.

Would you ever think WHY did my partner strayed?
My husband is sure that he is the best even I tell him that sex is must and he tells me you know what...take another Xanax.
SO??? Keep singing your song.

95% of impotence is psychological....ever asked your husband why? My sex life is great and my current partner hasn't strayed...so I really can't relate to you. I empathize but I can't sympathize. I don't need drugs because I'd rather deal with reality...have you ever been on a thread and not made it about you? I'd like to see your posts on Science, Philosophy, Health, Racism....or anything other than your affair....are you capable?

I posit that many engaged people are questioning what they are walking into.
Some of them break it off. Last train to Clarksburg, a place to get off. Arguably, more should walk.
I've no idea if the break off is inversely relative to the expense of the wedding.

I know your issue is about deceit as you have posted about that.
Most of us don't like deceit.


On engagement being a promise to marry, I take it instead as intent.
There is wiggle room, however tacky socially.

To me a promise is a promise....a commitment is a commitment . Nobody is forced to do anything. Also--at any point anyone can decide to break it off...no need to deceive, lie, or hurt anyone. There is always a choice right?

Holy hell there are a lot of moralistic uncompassionate assholes in this thread.

The marriage ceremony is the situation with the vows.

Getting engaged can be exciting. There is room in between that and the vows.

Personally, we had a tiny cheap wedding after living in our mutually owned house for a few years; after it, the few of us went out for Chinese food, and the next day we threw a party.
Me, I think some people get trapped in early enthusiasm plus some fair level of financial ceremony debt.

I know how I live, but that is me, others can and should do what they think is best.

ME: I pretty much dont believe in divorce, Failure is not an option, and I make sure my wife knows that she and this marriage are high priorities for me. I have a few times over almost 30 years considered changing my mind. I have a big problem with playing around outside the marriage in secret but very little about playing around with the consent of the other. I pretty much dont care what other poeple think about what I do in my marriage, the only person who matters is my wife. I have at certain times been trying to figure **** out at have consulted with others, but otherwise IDK. If there is ever a tie with my head arguing one way and my heart the other I then go with my heart, every time. It has generally worked out well for me.

I know couples that after many years of marriage opted for separate bedrooms, but decided to stay together. I think whatever works for a couple is fine/fair if both are in agreement. I think in some cases divorce is more beneficial....giving all parties an equal chance at being in a more fulfilling relationship.

'I'd like to see your posts on Science, Philosophy, Health, Racism....or anything other than your affair....are you capable? '
NO!
Because this is the only subject I can't talk to anyone about.
Other subjects I have people to talk to!!!

how do you go with your heart if you never cheated? Have I understood you right?