HELP! Married but fallen for another man

what does the man know about the relationship you've been in for the past seven years?

I meant, the relationship with her current husband has shaped who she is. That relationship is a big part of the very core of her being. To leave out such a significant part of your current life makes it hard for someone to truly know who you are. If he doesn't truly know who she is, how can this new guy truly love her?
You know, without the chocolate chips, its just a cookie.

I know.

I was trying to reinforce your point for the OP.

Wrong, your head told you to go for husband, but he was not what your heart wanted...it was a very typical human mistake so be gentle with yourself. Ideally you work out a deal with hubby that lets you play with boy toys though it is unlikely that he would go for it.

A couple of points to live by

1) do not ever deny who you are

2) feeding the heart is more important than is feeding the head


3) do your best to make good choices, as bad choices tend to carry costs.

4) do you best to learn from mistakes...if you made the best choice you could at the time then be nice to yourself, and make sure that you do better next time.

5) always extract yourself from relationships with honesty and honor if at all possible

That's ok...why is she still with him? Are cookies better than chocolate chip cookies than have yet to be seized? So she's lying (deceiving him) and taking from one in wait to acquire from another. Not feeling sympathy here.

I like plain cookies - and then like to eat the chips right out of the bag.

I meant she is a chocolate chip cookie who is telling the new guy everything about her but the chocolate chip part, which is obviously a huge defining characteristic when it comes to the character of the cookie. This means, how can he say he loves the cookie if he doesn't know it has chocolate chips within it?
Yes she is lying, and she is caught up tangled in her own web. This is why she says "HELP!" in capital letters because she wants us to help her get untangled, not to tell her what she already clearly knows, which is that she did wrong.

You don't have to feel sympathy, but you also don't have to show animosity, for you are making her way out of the mess unnecessarily difficult. That said, I still think your comments are productive for it will help strengthen her against what some people may inevitably say or think about her when people learn the truth. If she were a member of your family, you may not feel sympathy, but wouldn't you try to ponder up an idea that can make it as best as possible?

Well...I find it's more catharsis than screaming for help. Secondly, I think she is an ugly person willing to use other people so I don't care. Nothing wrong in calling a narcissist by the right name.

And you are why people run away from this site Mr. Grinch

(Ms. Grinch)

wow Vic....what if this person was cheating you or your son? Would you then think it's ok to give them a free pass? Maybe they need to hear they're being selfish and unfair. How does that make me the Grinch? I'm not the one cheating and lying.

I told him last night. Still haven't told my husband.

His reaction was heartbreaking. Of course. He works a night shift by himself where I've been able to go to his work place and bring my work and get stuff done - so last night I visited again, without bringing work, and warned him that I needed to talk to him about something and work was probably not the best setting, but he insisted that if its something that's bothering me the sooner the better. And it was bothering me. I haven't been able to eat for the past three days. Sleepless nights, all of that..

I told him I was married, and very unhappily. I've already told him that what I feel with him was different than anything I've experienced so far and that it wasn't just because I was looking for a "way out" of my marriage. That what I feel with him is so real, and he told me that he knows, and that he can tell by looking at me that this is real. I told him everything, taking full responsibility, through tears. Lots and lots of tears. He said that he knew there was something big that I wasn't telling him but didn't want to pry. He said he felt betrayed and I of course said I know. There was little resolve. I told him that if there is any reason to shut this down, here it is. And I don't want to lose him, but will of course honor his requests if he wants to call it off. He said he needed time and space and I said of course.

Theres another big part of this I guess. I am living in this city non-permanently--I'm going to grad school here, then planned on moving to another city after I graduate in March 2015. This city has little opportunities in terms of my career. He on the other hand, this city is where his career for now is the best. He is someone, who, I would want to make it work -- I would stay and make my career work here, which is not an impossible thing. We've talked about this before, about the high possibility that after next summer I'll be gone. His response was always cross that bridge when we get to it, and enjoy what we have now and what's developing. I've never really pictured myself as the "settling down" type when I've been with my husband, but recently with graduation in mind, he (my husband) has brought up many times that that's exactly what he wants to do. As soon as possible. Settle down. And the idea of settling down with him gives me extreme anxiety because I don't see myself as a happy person doing that with him. It's only recently that my husband has expressed these feelings to me. Would have been nice to know BEFORE we got married... but its always been "we'll figure it out as we go" type of thing. Bizzarely, this other guy I've met, I can actually see myself doing that with -- settling down, starting a family. (and I am NOT nor have EVER been attracted to the idea of having kids. Its still terrifying to me at 27... everyone says one day I'll feel the urge, and with my husband I just don't see that.. but this other guy, I actually feel comforted that I would feel that one day..)

I think my husband and I have been not actually solving the problems that have come up. He's very non-confrontational, and I'm the opposite. I'm always the one who wants to confront the problem and solve it. He's refused couple or marriage counseling. Multiple times. He likes to think there is nothing wrong because that makes him happy, and when he's happy I feel like I'm doing something right. Anyways, its clear there are serious issues there.

So yeah.. still feeling lost. Guess I'll wait on his answer. Everything is also the literal worst timing. My work has been suffering, my body has been suffering. Trying to keep it together for the sake of doing what I need to do in terms of graduating. At least that's one thing I feel like I can control.

That was a big step. Congrats for doing it. It's hard to tell people things you know are going to hurt them. It's hard to tell people things that make you look bad. You did both.

Have you ever gone to counselling on your own? If your husband won't go with you, maybe you have to figure this out for yourself. Maybe your marriage is the right relationship for you. Maybe the newest guy is the right one. Maybe you're not a monogamous, one person kind of gal. Sort it out before you go any further with any relationship.

If polyandry is the right thing for you - make sure your partner is on board with it before continuing in any relationship.

thank you for this reply... the thing is I really don't like being with multiple people. I'm afraid about leaving my husband because of the life we've built and I do care about him, so I don't want to hurt him, even though its too late for that. I feel like when I married him, I was doing the "smart" thing. Following my brain and not my heart. Being together for so long we created a life with each other, tons of mutual friends, great associations (people see us as a power couple, not because we both have money, but we are both "people persons." We make friends, we love our friends, we are fun to be around individually and act the same way as a couple). So leaving him has a ton of consequences and is a huge HUGE life change. So much of me thinks this other guy is worth it. But its of course makes me question my judgement. It finally feels like I've found the right guy for me (I didn't have that with my husband.. but we met when we were 19). I know I have love for him and I care about him. And I thought that that meant he was the one I'm supposed to be with. But then I meet this other guy when I wasn't even looking for an escape (I'm so freakin busy and wrapped up in trying to graduate), and this overwhelming feeling came over me, hit me like a mac truck. My heart literally skips beats. It still does just thinking about him now.

I don't like the idea of a polymerous relationship. That does not appeal to me one bit. I have poly friends and I just don't want that at all. And I know my husband feels the same way, as does the other guy.

Its worse because we JUST got married in July, and this last move we did, he sacrificed a lot so he could move to this city where I'm going to school now. To leave him now.. I'm so worried about him too. What he would do. And I would lose a ton of our mutual friends, if not all of them. I'd lose respect from his family who I am close to (his sister especially). Its a lot of loss and its terrifying. I am terrified.

Have you told the other guy of your history of cheating? because the fact that you're married is only one aspect of the woman he is considering a relationship with. If you haven't told him, tell him now - don't let it be a separate piece of information.

He needs to understand who he is getting involved with.

__________


Actually, if you were a real life friend I'd probably suggest you end both relationships and spend a year or two on your own before deciding what happens next.

If either of them is still around then, and you're still interested, then you might be able to make a go of it.

talk to a counsellor about both of these things

it's all pretty difficult

I told him about my history a bit, yeah. But honestly that cheating was so in the past and completely not like this is at all. So I didn't go into depth. I know that's not who I am any more. That was around 4 years ago. I know "once a cheater, always a cheater" ... I feel differently about this. Like finally the right one. And I didn't realize until now that I never actually had that with my husband.

He still has the right to know that this is part of your relationship history.

There is a good chance it will come out should you decide to divorce your husband - things could get messy - and it's best if the truth comes from you.

And - yes, you have a history of cheating - before and after marriage.

I'm not a believer in once a cheater, always a cheater. I am however a believer in ending one relationship before starting another.

Where you would have blown it, if I was in his position, was not telling the truth about being married AND not ending the marriage as soon as you knew you were interested in someone else.

sure, I mean, I told him that before we decided to get married we hadn't been monogamous. And that went both ways. And I didn't like it, but I did it.

But yes I agree with you.

I told him the truth still - that I am married but its clearly not working and I don't know if we can fix it.

Sounds like you flawlessly executed the first undoing of a complex entanglement. The question is what is the next move and what variables will possibly alter your next move?

If somehow, you couldn't have this new guy, would you want to be with your current husband? You mentioned how if you left your husband how it would affect him negatively. However, I think it would be a bigger disfavor to sacrifice your own happiness on the premise that it will make him happy.

I've been cheated on by every girl I've loved. They always wanted to protect me, to not hurt me, by keeping the truth concealed from me. Yet, when you love someone, I think the biggest fear I have is that they would be waking up each morning next to me and wishing it was someone else in that bed. I don't want love through a lie, and even though the truth will hurt me, it won't hurt me as much as it hurts knowing the person I love most feels caged or obligated to stay with me against their own happiness. I think if you feel the same way, you should consider that it is likely your husband does as well.

The main question is. Right now today, would you want to re-marry your current husband? If not, how many days backwards can you trace where you would have said no? Also, why not exactly? What changed from when you married him to now? Is it something that can be regained, or is it something that is simply lost?
If the answer is yes, then I would think trying to make the marriage work would be best.


The new guy: He said he wants some space/time. He obviously has a lot to think about, but trust me, he respects that you told him even though he doesn't like the news. What his final conclusion ends up being, may very well depend on what your next choices are regarding parts of your life that may complicate his if he were to be with you.

I suggest, do not make your next choice based on what the new guy will choose. Meaning, if he says he wants to try with you, you choose a divorce. If he says no, you stay married. Otherwise, the atmosphere betwixt you two will be "I left my husband for you! you owe me loyalty!" Which will make him feel caged.

Personally. From my perceptions. If the following is true, that you don't love your current husband and the love is irredeemable, I would get a divorce. I then would continue trying to pursue this new person very cautiously depending on how the air is between the two of us. I would accept the possibility that the person may reject my love and that I would end up being alone, but in that time I wouldn't let that person out of my heart until it is sufficed in my mind that there is no possibility the two of us could ever be together. In which case, my entire quest for true love would have to begin anew.

As far as the power couple thing, that is something that has no direct tie on the business of the matter. It is a decoration, an ornament, that does not affect the integrity of the inner substance. Like, a nicely decorated coffee mug having no impact on the taste of the drink. Do not let that hinder you to fear the truth. That would be a self-sacrifice for your friends sake whom only you will end up paying for in the long run, don't do that to yourself.

Last. I think you should try to figure out what exactly allowed you to have eyes for another person when you made a perpetual vow to have eyes for only one. This may be a self-flaw that needs strengthening. Only you would know your triggers or reasons. You say you weren't looking for this new guy, but maybe subconsciously you were because you were upset about something or something else. You didn't get intimate with him, so it must not be a sexual weakness as much as it is an emotional connective weakness.

Whatever the case, I think you should apply some love to nourish your own self to grow stronger in any place you feel it would be a weakness for someone giving all of their love to you. While at the same time trying to untangle this entire thing.

There are still so many questions that only you have the answers to, so I can't say entirely confidently what I think you should do when there are so many unknown variables to your equation.