HELP! Married but fallen for another man

@Olivier5,

Have you ever cheated? Did you marry young?

@FOUND SOUL,

Very few times. I was also cheated upon by my current partner, at least one time... It was painful when it happened but now I couldn't care less. We got together when i was 28. She was 23.

1 Reply

@Olivier5,

Not to be rude but it's about ones experiences in life and perhaps morals as to the thought pattern pertaining to answers.

If you have cheated and been cheated on and it hurt, but now, older, pfttt who cares, that will be your answer.

I do agree that your attitude on that take is everything or else "some" people can't get over it, the cheating...

But as you recall it "hurt", so I too see that in others and I'll have to stick to my own personal thoughts, do not do things knowingly that will hurt someone you love, or that loves you...

Walk and do what you want.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

You're not being rude, but you're not making much sense either. Yes, to be cheated upon hurts, but it hurts for a few weeks. To be left by someone you love also hurts, and it can hurt for decades... Chose your poison wisely.

3 Replies

@Olivier5,

This boils down to settling.

"Chose your poison wisely".

Olivier, it may have hurt "you" for a few weeks but some people can never get over it.

Cheating hurts people, end of story and that is my opinion. You're also entitled to your own thoughts on the matter.

No one is right or wrong with "thoughts"..

I've been around long enough answering enough posts elsewhere to know the affect of Cheating on the human race, some 22,000 posts later, I'll stick with my beliefs once again, there are two people in a relationship, cheating hurts, walk and do what you want don't cheat.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

To each his or her own red lines. My only point is precisely that there is no "one size fit all". The classic permanent monogamous couple of the 50s is only one approach amongst many. Let's not be too normative here.

1 Reply

@Olivier5,

Olivier5 wrote:

You're not being rude, but you're not making much sense either. Yes, to be cheated upon hurts, but it hurts for a few weeks. To be left by someone you love also hurts, and it can hurt for decades... Chose your poison wisely.

I think the time to grieve depends on the length of the relationship and how much a person cares. I don't think deception is necessary at all. I don't think doing it makes anyone a modern or renaissance man or woman....I think most people can get over a relationship not working...a betrayal may just be different .

1 Reply

@Olivier5,

One of the things I appreciate are people who are willing to say they don't believe in monogamy, or openly say they are not willing to be in a committed relationship. That I can respect. But a cowardly liar in this day and age is not so commendable.

1 Reply

Related to part of the discussion some posts back, steady marriages with people slogging though routine trials and tribulations and arguments and duties and chores can lead to a sense of "is that all there is?" as infatuation is long gone from real life and "love" becomes a question for one or both of the partners.

Which they should talk about..

I bring this up since I just finished one of my escapist books, a legal/police procedural by a man who has written a lot of these types of novels. I tend to like the less popular of these and not the best seller modes of procedural writing. I've liked all of his I've read so far. Anyway, in this book, the main protagonist is a defense attorney and his wife handles everything home and children related, and this division becomes one more tension point in a complex novel, this one aspect a window into how successful seeming couples can run out of gas. Worth a read if you're interested -
John Lescroart, Nothing But The Truth.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

Related to part of the discussion some posts back, steady marriages with people slogging though routine trials and tribulations and arguments and duties and chores can lead to a sense of "is that all there is?" as infatuation is long gone from real life and "love" becomes a question for one or both of the partners.

And for some it means you simply don't want to ever do away with your spouse. Even the mundane is what one wants...not everyone thinks a long relationship is a life-sentence....as hard as it may be to believe for those who felt or feel this way....nothing wrong with this either way. As long as betrayal is not involved, that's what divorce is for right?

1 Reply

@Germlat,

I agree that is what divorce is for. But first, what talking is for, including some mundane sharing of your days, keeping up with each other.

Some people like to talk more than others..
interest can lag, even go away, on the part of the listener or the talker.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

ossobuco wrote:

I agree that is what divorce is for. But first, what talking is for, including some mundane sharing of your days, keeping up with each other.

Some people like to talk more than others..
interest can lag, even go away, on the part of the listener or the talker.

Divorce is for the person who cannot feel happy in the relationship and who isn't willing to do the work needed....it's not a dishonorable thing.

0 Replies

@Germlat,

Quote:

One of the things I appreciate are people who are willing to say they don't believe in monogamy, or openly say they are not willing to be in a committed relationship. That I can respect. But a cowardly liar in this day and age is not so commendable.

For me it's not about respect or disrespecting this or that. I'm not in the business of judging ordinary people in their day to day lives. The issue of cheating is not a significant one in my couple at the moment--not that I know of at least--and I don't know how to cope with other people's problems better than they do.

Life is complicated, there's often no 'please all' solution, one-size-fits-all doesn't work, there are many ways to be happy, or not too unhappy. And it seems to me that the relationship guidance provided on A2K is often simplistic, one-size-fits-all, and unrealistic. Too normative, too much based on what society expects you to do, and not enough on what can actually work in the particular circumstances at hand.

You are right to stress the pain that cheating can make. This is real. We are all responsible for the effect of our actions onto others. But sometimes the cheated ones don't care that much, or don't pay much attention. Sometimes they deserve it. And sometimes the cheaters selfishly chose to forget about other people's needs and focus on their own. These different situations are not the same and should not be treated the same, IMHO.

1 Reply

@Olivier5,

But see--I do think it's about disrespect. I think it's not that difficult to say I'm not happy so I'm not going behind your back and lying...this is who I am. Why is that so difficult? Maybe I just don't get the frailty of people who can't come to terms with that. I don't think I'll ever understand the need for cowardice. I could understand if this were a Muslim society and choices were not available by law...but--sorry if there is a choice and discomfort cannot be endured and lying, cheating, is easier...not enlisting .

2 Replies

@Germlat,

Have to agree here.

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@Olivier5,

Glad to find someone who gets what I'm trying to say....

1 Reply

@Germlat,

And thus Eliu should talk to her husband about it.

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@Germlat,

Quote:

I think the time to grieve depends on the length of the relationship and how much a person cares.

It also depends on one's own level of self-esteem. If very high, one is unlikely to ever forgive, because the cheater has insulted one's pride. It's called a narcissic wound: when your image of yourself has been hurt. Some people can't get over the idea that they are no longer unique in the thoughts of Mr or Ms X. But the truth is: we all are quite easily replaceable that way.

1 Reply

@Olivier5,

I don't think betrayal is only a matter of pride , but also a breach of trust. If a business partner screwed me over I certainly would not extend my trust. I probably could forgive though...there's nothing narcissistic about not accepting abuse.

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@Germlat,

Quote:

If a business partner screwed me over I certainly would not extend my trust. I probably could forgive though...there's nothing narcissistic about not accepting abuse.

There is something narcissistic about not being able to get over it ever, I think. If a business partner screwed me over once, I may still keep up doing business with him, especially if the alternatives are dire or non-existent. I may just keep my eyes open a little more... I won't stop dealing with the person immediately and forever, at least if the offense is small.

We're not dealing with absolutes here. This is about real life, and sometimes in life it's best to swallow one's pride, forgive and keep moving. I'm happy I forgave my wife for that thing decades ago.

1 Reply

HELP! Married but fallen for another man

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