HELP! Married but fallen for another man

Yes I would be upset of course. But things happen. And when someone comes to me with "HELP!" as their first words, I know they are asking for mercy for they know they have done wrong. What fires me up is when people try to hide or conceal their wrong or try to act as if they didn't do anything wrong. But once they confess, my heart melts and I only wish for what is best.

The reason I called you a grinch, is because I felt you weren't being merciful. You were being too cold and kicking a dead horse instead of trying to help straighten out the situation with empathy for her and empathy for the other parties involved. Life doesn't stop after a mistake, it keeps going, and theres no reason to be defined forever from that mistake. It seems you are unable to move forward.

Bubbles, tiny bubbles.

It is possible that I could agree with him or her, victor, on this or that, but I feel too many lectures coming on from, excuse me, blurp, I can't just read all this through.

I'm very chary re psych sales and their complement from 'here's how life works and should' purveyors with povs to sell.

This person may be an old poster that I often agreed with and sometimes not, his having a kind of personal professional mantra that I didn't buy.

I make no apologies here. This person has cheated before. And now is cheating again...it's a narcissistic lifestyle not a mistake . So let your heart melt for her. Don't waste your time on me and give her some good advice.

That's okay. Your sentiments are part of reality of what fuels people to conceal the truth. My response to you is important so as to show the Original Poster how to not let those comments retract someone back into their shell.
She didn't have to tell us she cheated in the past, but she did. I believe that confession is due to her growth as a person to manifest externally what she desires to be internally. People are special for the power to change their identity by repetitive action.
As it sits now, you don't trust her ability to be faithful despite her declaration opposing that assessment. This is likely one of the thoughts racing around the new guys mind, for which she knows and is why she shed so many tears telling him. Jim Rohn states that disgust, although a negative feeling, has the power to create change in a person's life. She doesn't like how her previous actions are straining her ability to achieve the happiness she wants. This creates motivation and a stronger determination to be strong in her wills. She will likely work double overtime ensuring she changes that negative aspect about her current character.
Believe it or not, the best drug counselors who are often always found at drug rehabilitation centers are previous drug abusers. It seems, sometimes those who were making mistakes in something are able to turn around and be more faithful towards a goal than those who never made the mistake.

If it were narcissistic, how do you explain the contradiction of her admission of wrong? I've never heard a narcissistic person apologize or cry tears for doing something wrong.

I'm pretty sure what makes people conceal their feelings is the desire to have their cake and eat too. Narcissists aside from establishing patterns that only benefit themselves, also attempt enlist the sympathy of others.

Is there anything I can ask you right now that you would lie to me about?

Not all people manipulate...particularly multiple persons at one time. Not every type of insincerity is life impacting to the people victimized by deceit. I hate to tell you....I won't be converted. So I'll leave on this note since we won't come to see eye to eye....

Don't give up yet Germlat. You are on the verge of converting me to your perception! I only need to know if there is anything I can ask you that you would lie to me about. Anything that you would conceal your feelings about?

I can. Ask away.

Sometimes people telling you they had cheated just a cry for an attention.
They want to tell the world they are desirable. 'I am not ugly so no one wants to sleep with me, I am so sexy! so I had done it before'...
I am not saying this is the case. But telling that admitting to a cheating in public anonymous forum is not an act of heroism. It can be whatever.

Well, with a huge project coming up and a major deadline for my work, I've been (fortunately? unfortunately?) distracted. Its not great -- work is piling up and I had to cancel my Christmas travel plans to see family because of my work load and financial situations. Its not great, but it is what it is.

I keep trying to find the right time to talk to my husband.. being on opposite schedules is really not helping here. Also, this whole thing entails a major life change. A change that I'm realizing I need to make, and the sooner the better for me spiritually, and ultimately the sooner the better for him. The timing on this could not be worse. My 3rd year of school here and getting my thesis ready is the busiest I've been in my life. There is a TON of fallout that will happen when/if my husband and I separate. Putting all of that on top of where I'm at with graduate school/my career seems almost impossible. Its a huge crunch time for me. I'm not making excuses, believe me I want to rip this baidaid off and deal with this as soon as possible. I literally work from 9am to 3am basically every day. Tonight I took a nap from 10:30pm to 2am. and now its 5am. I've been working for the past 3, only to take a break and write..

Is there a world where I can tell my husband and we delay dealing with the logistics etc until after this major major work load we have lightens up? Is that awful? I want to tell him and start figuring things out. Also my feelings for this other guy continue to grow, which makes it harder to even look my husband in the eye (which we barely get the opportunity to anyways at the moment..) I want him to know. I need him to know how I feel.. but this is SUCH a huge huge change, and with my thesis and graduation and a career on the horizon, I barely have brain space. Questions and conversations will pile in from relatives, friends, etc. and it will be way too much for me to deal with right now. I can hardly handle my own **** as it is.

The other guy contacted me, and I went to see him. He told me his feelings for me remain. This is so powerful, as mine do too. I almost wish they didn't. This is really the most inconvenient timing thing... not just because I am married, but because of everything else too.. the where and the why I am here. I do think this other guy is worth it. I told him I didn't want to lose him, and he said he didn't want to lose me either. He said that he of course is hurt, but can understand why I kept it from him, and how much harder it was to tell him as our feelings for each other escalated so quickly. I'm in love in a way I've never been. And I don't know what to do with it.

This needs proper attention and time and above all sensitivity, and it needs to happen as soon as yesterday -- its just time and mental energy that I don't have, already being drained from everything else. Help please any advice.. What should I do? Tell my husband and ask to keep it between us for now?

Marrying my husband, I did with my brain. I wasn't in touch with my heart.


I'm very aware of certain parts of my personality. I am a perfectionist, and will always ALWAYS we way too hard on myself.. especially about myself - my work, my looks, etc. My career is a rather thankless one, and I like it that way. I'm a behind the scenes kind of person, and then if people are satisfied with the final result, regardless of whether or not I personally like it, I feel joy, knowing that I did my job well. I don't need their praise or their personal recognition, I just need to know that they are happy. That the result is perfect.

In a lot of ways this spills into my personal life. I've had to be a mediator all my life - I come from a family of extreme personalities, and growing up I just wanted to see everyone happy, those who are close to me. Not happy with ME, just happy. So I did everything in my power to help that.

I trick myself. I knew I make my husband happy. And this satisfaction got me by for a very very long time. I knew he made me happy too.. but his admiration was the most encouraging. But then something happened. This feeling for this other man, where suddenly it wasn't about pleasing him or making him happy. It was so internal for me, such a heart warming feeling in the truest sense, a feeling I didn't even know was a real thing. I'm NOT a romantic. I never believed in the "love at first sight" kind of mumbo jumbo. But I've never had someone take my breath away before..

I guess I can see how this could look like narcissism. I almost wish it was, it would be less painful.

on top of everything else, you want your husband to do you a favour?

that doesn't sound very reasonable

I just want to ask if we can substitute calling people who are having an affair something else instead of Narcissists?
Reason being is that not all the cheating comes from whorish personalities. It is much more complicated in a lot of cases. And cheating for most is nothing that is a pure pleasure. Torture mostly. So Narcissists? I don't think so.

Why? So you think he will run out and yell? or post it on facebook? or what?
She is coming clean. He is 'the best kindest' - why is it unreasonable?
You don't expect him to call her names and beating **** out of her, right?

I didn't say it was a favour...

so what would you call it?

_______

tell your husband and let him make his own decisions about how to move forward - without telling him what would make it easier for you

I'm not asking him anything. The subject will weigh heavy on both of us. And right now it is just affecting me. Once I tell him, we'll need to start dealing with that fall out right away, and I will be the worst at dealing with that at this already extremely stressful time in my life.

Why would you think you'll be the worst at dealing with it? I'm thinking at least you don't love him. He will definitively have the most bitter bite of the cake. All he did was love you and forgave your past infidelities.