HELP! Married but fallen for another man

UR IN THE SAME BOAT AS ME ALMOST I JUST JOINED THIS FORUM

Hi, I am thinking about what you wrote since Friday:
'Love is not an arrow either. It's a wrench thrown by Cupid into our rational, mechanical, automaton lives. Given a chance, it will destroy our old lives and (perhaps) give us some new life instead. At the very least, it wakes us up from the dulness of our automatic lives... '

It is like THE answer to all of my questions and now I am going to think about it as hard as I can. You are so right. How did you get to this thought? Is this your own or from the book? thanks

P.S. If this is a book I would love too read some more.

Don't lose your paddles.

Not any book that I can recall, just experience and perhaps a pinch of French common sense on the serendipity of love. Many people wrongly assume they can control their love life and make it abide to the narrow rules of their intellect. What they end up with is a boring life with somebody they don't actually love. A life where you control everything is a life without surprises and raptures. It's not worth living. Love is about losing control.

Is this the boat you're on? Haven't you been married 20+ years.? Have you forsaken opportunities to the detriment of your hapiness? Or is it remotely possible to not be "boring" for staying in a relationship...

Of course it is possible to not to get bored, but if you aren't - it means you don't have an issue that others have.
Not everyone is you, Germlat.
We all are different and if you think you can control love - you had not loved!
And I am sorry.

No...I actually think for most love ends. It happens. I'm ok with that. I'm not ok with deception or continuing a relationship under false pretenses. I'm ok with people moving on to even greater loves. No...controlling love is not possible...ending a relationship that's doomed is certainly possible.

So you are basically unaware that thousands of families just co-exist and to the rest of their lives. It is easier to say than done to just walk away from built together life. And it is takes time if decided to be done.
However sometimes this newfound love is just a mistake and gotten out of the system it dies and that is it. No one gets hurt and nothing is broken.
Are you seriously suggesting at the first moment one thinks they are out of love - get divorce?

My relationship is not boring. Often tense, yes, but not boring. IOW, we may be keeping our love alive by way of making of it a tragedy.


I think it is, but also see what you mean. The forbidden fruit (or just the most recent infatuation) will always be more alluring than the dull wife or husband who's taken for granted.

This is why some people decide to never get married in the first place, in order to avoid these sorts of situations.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0UYHleOGt4

Il peut sembler de tout repos --- It may seem common sense
De mettre à l'ombre, au fond d'un pot --- To keep at the bottom of a pot
De confiture --- Of jam
La jolie pomme défendue --- The cute, forbidden apple
Mais elle est cuite, elle a perdu --- But it is cooked then, and it has lost
Son goût "nature" --- Its natural taste.

Yeah...so everyone should test a new love out while married....it may or may not work right? So--why risk the comfort of an old relationship....hell good for your mate...it must be great to be a consolation price.

There are two people within a relationship, not one.

Marriage is hard work, not everyone wants to work. The idea of fun, play, giddiness, hormones going everywhere, everyday, may be enticing and that is what it is meant to be or else we wouldn't find a partner.

A huge percentage of people settle in life, have children and don't want to leave because of the children, some greedier, money and yes, they continue in a loveless marriage but by choice.

Oliver said, some never get married because commitment isn't for them, rather enjoyment of life sexually as they wish, all the new surprises however, he neglected to mention lonliness.

But, there are two people within a marriage.

One can't be selfish Eliusa, waiting for the forbidden fruit to fall and more than bruise to then go "oops" and concentrate on their marriage.

Because here is the key. If that be the case, if this guy ends up just a fling and he is or else you wouldn't even think like that and you walk, concentrate on your marriage again, then you could have concentrated on your marriage in the first place. You didn't want to. You wanted the fun and that is at the expense of another Human being.

Good post!

Thank you Germlat.

That was not really my point, which was not about commitment, but about the corrosive effect on love that day to day cohabitation leads to. The best way to keep your love alive as long as possible, such people say, is to NOT marry and to NOT live together. Often that goes with not having kids either. I can understand their point but personally i'd rather live with someone and have kids, at the cost of suffering some erosion of my and her attachement. IOW i see that approach as a bit too extreme. And dated.

What many young men and women are opting for something else altogether: no romantic relationship with the other sex ever. They'd rather be alone and get laid occasionally, or become lesbian or gay, rather than having to face the complexities of gender relations.

As the proverb says, better be alone than in bad company.

I don't think daily cohabitation has a corrosive effect on a relationship. I think some people's relationship grows stronger over time. I think some people fall out of love or choose not not do any work...so it's like not doing maintenance on a house...eventually it'll fall to pieces. I don't think wanting to keep your love alive as long as possible as either dated or old-fashioned. I think that's the whole point of genuinely being in love...that's what you want. I also have nothing against divorce....I agree with you there. Better alone than in bad company.

I appreciate that wasn't your point but it was mine. Because if someone does not have someone in their lives 24/7 and spasmodically have casual relationships because they don't want any commitment, you can not deny that there "will" be very lonely times in their lives, when they are alone. That need, want, desire to be hugged, loved and off course sex.

Sex only fills a portion Olivier.. A portion of emotions.

I meant the: 'lets not move in together' approach to love is what's dated. Of course, everybody wants love to last.

You are talking of commitment as if it was the best thing since slice bread... :-) But if you commit to the wrong things or persons, you'll regret it. So commitment is just a way, not an end in itself.

One can also end up all alone even though you're in a relationship you're torally committed to... Together but in fact alone, because there's no spark left.

One can also find company with friends, without mixing social needs and sexual ones.

One can also prefer solitude to being with the average annoying asshole out there.

Bottom line: the idea that one type of romantic life (monogamous) is superior to all alternatives, and that this is true for everyone, that idea is ridiculous. There are many ways to live and to love.

Not at all, I am referring to your post whereby you state that many people chose not to marry, not to have a commitment. I'm not denying that, I am clearly stating "but", that can get very lonely.

I've also stated that too many people settle in life. Off course the spark goes if that be the case.

You're making a judgement call on me that isn't there. I was single until 35 because I didn't want to simply "settle". My Commitment was my job, that's a commitment and I loved it. I had an extraordinary journey because it was about choices and I got to choose them. One of those choices was, if I was seeing someone and the "lust" was gone and wouldn't turn into anything further, I would walk before entering another relation. Another was to turn down an engagement at 25.

The reality is people should live their lives the way they want to as long as they are not hurting anyone.

Cheating hurts people end of story, someone gets hurt.

I'm not concerned at all how many people E sleeps with, heck if she was finally getting something fulfilling in her life and was happy great, except, in order to do that she is taking, cheating against someone else and from the sounds of it, he too is doing the same, her lover.

All she has to do is walk and pick a single guy and no one would care to continue writing, they may even smile for her. And if not, tell her husband, she's hinted in the past, tell him straight out and hope that he remains with her in the understanding that she's going through hormone changes that he can't fix.. Not sure how a guy would take that, " I'm not good enough in bed for my wife she has to go elsewhere"...

Cheating hurts people.

The harm done by cheating is over-rated IMHFO. There are worse things, like domestic violence. Better cheat on your partner than make his or her life miserable, I say.


Of course, but that is precisely the point: avoid the pain of a cross-gender relationship by staying alone. If company is an issue, one can always have room mates.

In other words, there's a limit to how conflicting and painful gender relations can go. That limit is reached when more and more people opt out of the "married couple stereotype". The alternative models are many: homosexuality is on the rise (including female homosexuality driven by fear of men and male sexuality driven by fear of females); solitude and no sex whatsoever; occasional affairs; polyamorous approaches; rapid succession of marriages and divorces; virtual sex lives aka masturbation, etc. Nothing forces men and women to live together in the classic nuclear family of the 50s.

If gender relations generate more pain than pleasure, we can minimize them. And that is exactly what seems to be happening.