HELP! Married but fallen for another man

Could be... but let's not kid ourselves: we can't control love. I wouldn't go as far as the proverb "all is fair in love and war", but there is some truth to that. Rational rules and gentlemanly/ladylike behaviours need not apply.

We are receptive to what we want to be. If you make yourself "accessible" and receptive to others, vulnerable, etc, then yes attraction will pull. Attraction is very powerful unless you are cognizant of protecting your bond to another person. It's all about how much you value the person you are involved with. I'm not saying love doesn't end or that it shouldn't. I'm not ok with being deceptive and disloyal...and pretending it just "happened". Particularly with the OP...since Cupid must now be out of arrows...it's the third time she has been disloyal.

Affairs happen, don't they? And when they do, they can be just the usual lust but they can also be wonderful, poetic, awakening, energizing... It's true. It doesn't need to be sordid all the time.

I'm not saying they don't happen. They happen because people choose not to protect their bond. They also happen because of personal insecurities and fears...but--it's at the expense of another. I don't get why it's not possible to walk away--and say I'm not happy and I don't want to be cruel and unjust. And yes anything forbidden is lively, energetic...but must it be at the expense of another? In the case of the OP it's the third time....Attraction is inevitable even when married. It's only human. I've walked away from a relationship when I knew I wasn't satisfied...it didn't make my next relationship any less passionate, delicious, or intense....it doesn't have to be at the expense of another.

Just caught up with the thread.

I think I agree with your choice Sally. You should wait for the most immediate best time to break the news to your husband. Making sure there is nothing monumental very near the time in his life or yours that you tell him.

you have no sense of the time-line on MY personal business. It was years ago. And you don't know the nature of our relationship then, and it was that it was more open. Since we decided to get married we have BOTH been faithful, until I met this other guy I'm talking about now (BTW HE CHEATED ON ME TOO BEFORE WE GOT ENGAGED, DID YOU MISS THAT PART??)

What I'm saying is that this new guy is something different than what happened with others in the past. but you clearly don't even care or bother to find out whats actually going on.

From the opening post -

I'm not proud .. I've cheated on him before. But they were purely physical. I know its wrong beyond all belief ... but I guess it never got to me because he always came out on top. The best thing.. I stopped cheating, we grew stronger as a couple and then we got married (just this past july). It seemed like the best thing to do. Since we decided to get married more than two years ago, I haven't cheated. Not even emotionally.

Sometimes on a2k I am thrown by what people think is cheating.

In this situation I'm not clear, and I don't want to reread all the pages right now. Had you two made some kind of strong commitment before you decided to marry (and you say you didn't cheat after that)?

I'm old school in an odd way - if two people aren't committed, then if one of them has sex with another person, ah, so what, assuming that person uses protection on that occasion. We don't own other people. Vows are meaningful for a reason, as are discussions and agreements about expectations - promises - between couples, in my view.

So, to me, if you two weren't sure yet until you decided to marry, then all this self accusation of "cheating" is off the mark, unless you had made promises. It's part of reasonable talks, preferably honest ones, but people sometimes don't talk enough in the beginning stages.

I love how you're now down playing your squeeze....Don't lie now...it's hilarious ..go back and read what you posted...BTW--All CAPS screaming doesn't make me lose my focus... Save the drama for those who believe in your "love"....

He also has cheated on him 3 times...good everyone can encourage and congratulate her....

don't know how else to get through to someone as thick as you. I'm done with you.

The only way I know is by telling your husband you've cheated for he 3rrd time. I bet he'd feel you're the ultimate trophy....

Yeah, until we got engaged, we hadn't been faithful to each other. We then forgave each other and got engaged and then married. I hadn't cheated on him since we decided to get engaged. And now there is this other guy. And its different because of my extremely strong feelings towards him and his feelings towards me, because he makes me feel like nothing else before. Also we haven't had sex, But thats neither here or there for me, because I'm more emotionally invested in this other man, so I have broken our vow but its one that is meaningful enough to make me seriously question my marriage.

where are you getting that number from???

I think I've gotten all I needed from this site. Some of you were helpful, others were very very not helpful and very rude. To the helpful ones, thank you for your thoughts and advice. Private message me if you have more to say, I won't be checking this thread any more, its gotten out of hand. Wish me luck. Or don't. Whatever.

Sally....there's nothing I can tell you that would convince you being loyal is the best way. Go ahead and do what you must. We can all read your post from beginning to end. If you need encouragement...there are always some who will give it. I think you're being cruel and unfair...you must not necessarily agree...but it is as it is. Last post....I hope you can see how unfair you se being.

Being loyal?
She is trying not to sunder the career of her mate and herself.

Should anyone care, my view is do nothing.

Obviously they need to talk, and when is the question. Only she can guess; waiting, since the tension has been going on already, makes sense to me from here.

Germlat unfortunately is still hurting from being cheated on so I don't think she can be rational when it comes to cheating and everything connected with it.
She says WALK. Like if she never saw people who is still together after steam let out and one of the partners have no idea or both had cheated and thinking they only one who did.

Yeah...that must be it...since some people think there's no alternative to being deceptive. BTW--I've been in a committed relationship for 20+ years. If I ever felt he wasn't meeting my needs, he'd be the first one to know. I have left relationships I wasn't satisfied with without cheating....opportunities are always there.

So good...you can share a man with another woman. Just remember you get no nights, holidays, weekends....and you can probably taste her on his breath.. Nice standards you have. I would never share a man. I value myself.

It is possible (I don't know these people) that both already understand love is gone or miles under a cloud, apparently for a while now. Depends on the individuals, whether talking will blow their lives up. I suspect not.

They are the ones who know each other. Wait, or don't.
Despite that I said wait, on reconsideration, I'd say talk, but I don't know the explosion potential of the parties involved.

Re accademia and diverse romantic pulls to and fro, that is ordinarily a fairly active process (unless humans have somehow changed recently).