HELP! Married but fallen for another man

So you've never been loved, rather the one to love but in that, coldly, that being, a robot doing what is required to get the job done right, that being, making people happy.

For what ever reason "someone" has shifted that to "you feeling happy" very happy around that person.

How long that will last for, I don't know.

The fact that finally you have stopped feeling worthless a nothing, not attractive enough and that may be the actual key as obviously this guy is more than attracted to you but you feel "this time" based on the past, that it's different, it's nothing to do with sex, someone finding you, the whole of you attractive to the core that it hurts in a nice way, is one of lifes lessons about oneself.

You do realise that this may be all that it is. You have found you and that this guy eventually will go onto someone else and profess the same, we can't live in a fairy tale dream because "anything" can happen. Then all those years with your husband are wasted, gone, because he will be gone.

Having said that, that may be a good thing.

"You married him with your head not your heart". So he needs someone to give him their heart.

Don't be selfish over " now is not the right time", why because it's Christmas? There is never a right time, only now, you don't put off today what you could do tomorrow.

If you feel your "heart" with this guy then at least you finally feel it so go with it no matter what the ending is but don't drag your husband down any further than you have, that being, you married him with your head not your heart, he deserves someone's heart and time to heal first to get it, don't use a fishing line and string him in and send him out and repeat any longer.

I reread the opening post.

I likely disagree with many.
It seems from my reading on a2k that someone having sex with another is ugly, sinful, and wrong, and the person who had sex with him or her, cheating.

Good grief - did you two make vows of life long love and commitment? If so, then I'll agree.

Our poster is all sorry about ordinary exploration, or so it seems. After marriage, I get the problem.

"the worst" does not mean "worse than my husband"
I am under extreme extreme stress right now with things not related to my relationship, with a schedule that barely lets me sleep more than 3 hours a night. So mentally and physically I'm drained.

I have love for him, but its not what I thought. He will ofcourse have the most bitter bite. Although, talking about our marriage before I don't think he married me for the right reasons either. Also, I forgave him his past and loved him as well.

You make me out to be this terrible person who cheats and lies all the time. You have not read the fine print here. Since we got engaged a few years ago we have remained faithful. Then I met this guy, the one who I'm writing about now. The one who takes my breath away, who actually makes me want to be a better person, who showed up out of nowhere when I thought I was happy with my marriage.

Honestly, I think this thing was doomed from the start, and neither of us could see that. It is only now that I am starting to see it.

I don't want you to look any way at all. You said you'd cheated a couple of times in the past and now doing it again....I think he was the one doomed from the start. Sorry Madam....my empathy is elsewhere. Don't worry too much about leaving him. Living a lie is much worse. Leave him and he'll at least have a chance at being truly loved rather than bring cheated on repeatedly.

Yeah, you don't get it.

No...I don't. I don't get why you don't just walk away. Let your husband have the opportunity to be truly loved.

I know that this is what needs to happen. I have to finish graduate school. We are living together and he is working at the school I'm attending in a field related to my program. Neither of us can quit - his job there is really really good and he likes it, and I can't drop out of school when I'm so close to finishing. So there's that. And do-existing while going through a divorce in the next few months will be EXTREMELY challenging because of the nature of what this graduate program is. Its hard to explain on here, but trust me. We have to see eachother and work with the same people every day.

And "just walk away" is way easier said than done when you've built a life with someone for 7 years. All of our friends are also mutual friends, our families are very close. The fall out will be significant.. life changing, not just in terms of emotionally, but I will lose friends, he will lose friends.. it'll be extreme. And having that right now is detrimental.

So cheat instead...that's your solution? Ever think about simply being honest? It's not just about your comfort....challenging program and yet you find the time to sneak around and cheat....

So, she cheats...WHAT's THE BIG ******* DEAL???
It is NOT end of the world!!!

OOh my god I'm not saying that I'm going to keep lying about it I'm saying that I'm going to tell him! You're so thick!
All I'm saying is that I'm concerned with timing for BOTH of our sakes, not just mine! We need to give this the attention it deserves without both of our careers suffering.

is there any chance you'll be staying with your husband permanently? will you go to marital counselling with him if he requests it?

I really don't think I'll be staying with my husband. And in the oask, I've actually tried on several occasions to get him to do couples counseling but he is extremely resistant, and gets very upset when I mention that I think we should do it.

So you'll be having sex with both and pretending until the situation is convenient? Funny you have time for an affair as busy as you are LOL.

This thread is like watching an old Western or gangster movie. You know, always had "the hooker with a heart of gold " in it.

Again, you didn't actually read what I've said.

I haven't had sex with this other man yet, and I haven't had sex with my husband in months. It sucks.

And I DON'T have time. For any of it. But that doesn't stop my feelings for this other guy.

You found time to procure a relationship with another....be honest with yourself. You're back pedaling now. I love the part you say you've gotten to know each other deeply...wake up! He doesn't know you are a liar and a cheat...and married.

lol YES HE DOES I TOLD HIM IM MARRIED. I SAID THAT HERE IN THIS THREAD. He knows my history. All of it. And we started seeing eachother when I wasn't as busy as I am now. Things escalated. I find time for him because of my feelings for him are strong and I don't want to lose him -- I'm not backpedalling at all. And we have similar schedules unlike my husband and I.

Jesus.. you just have no ******* clue.

Enjoy your affair. Continue to defraud your husband until you are ready to depart. I'm not impressed with you.

The rest of your post was nice but that part above sounds very unconvincing. All it would take is to tell your husband that you don't love him anymore. You already spend more time wih the other guy, it seems.

Oh and don't agonise over these things - they happen to everybody, and pretty much everybody lies one way or another when it happens. Love is neither a miracle sent your way, nor a choice you make, nor a romantic comedy you watch, nor the rationalized, highly moral behaviour that A2K posters would like you to adopt.

Love is not an arrow either. It's a wrench thrown by Cupid into our rational, mechanical, automaton lives. Given a chance, it will destroy our old lives and (perhaps) give us some new life instead. At the very least, it wakes us up from the dulness of our automatic lives...

See...since this individual admitted to having cheated a couple of times in the past and her spouse forgave her...I'm thinking it's a matter of her committing too soon and after being forgiven continuing her charade....people are not toys.