HELP! Married but fallen for another man

I'm not accusing you. Not in particular anyway. You're one of the sanest ones as I recall... Just saying, anyone of us could be in that situation.

Yes...for sure...and anyone could use a reality check....life can get confusing.

I hear you. I agree that cheaters should tell their spouse about it and take it from there. As the OP has done by the way, and good for her.

life can be confusing....been there done that....it's always better to confront the truth. Cheaper in the long run and easier on the soul....

Rather the devil you know than the devil you don't.

I've asked before but don't remember if anyone ever answer.
How soon is the cheated party supposed to tell spouse?
Right at the moment of feeling that affair is coming?
After the actual affair? First? Second?
What if affair is just a fling and will stop soon after it started?
Should spouse know about it and what for?

See, you had denied my theory that husband wants to stay in marriage even after found out about affair. And here we go. He rather close his eyes than lose his wife. I told ya!!!

'I don't read much "fun" in the stories told to us here. They sounds more like tragedy than comedy. Whoever is struggling with these sorts of issues is NOT doing it for the fun of it. If they were, they would not come here for advice: they would just happily **** around.

This is not about having fun for me. It's about people happily married who suddenly fall for somebody else, somebody forbidden. They fall in love like one falls from a chair. Bang! It hurts.
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I am just so happy that you understand how it goes and very much surprised about the fact that you seem to e the only one here.
Have you ever fell of that chair? I would love to hear that story. Hopefully with happy ending.

@Olivier5,

I haven't gathered that from anyone here either. Everyone has an experience to bring to the table. Many have learned a lesson and read something that sounds like their own life experience or something that sounds eerily like it. I think everyone participating is doing so out of kindness....perhaps they've lived a similar experience and wished someone had given them better advice.
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WOW to Olivier! WOW!
You have turned Germlat into a human almost!!!
She is 'getting' it. Without nastiness and judgemental crap she usually pouring on us poor schmucks who got hit by that wrench.

Congrats, Germlat! Thanks Olivier.

'...I don't think all my posts have been condemnation do you?... '
Like 100% of them. Had. Been. Condemnation. Because you had been there. And you know. And everyone have to get divorce if they only feeling something except love and devotion to their spouses!!!
Wake up!

'BTW--I think people can make poor choices and still be good people! '
????????????? Olivier said THAT! You had always said cheaters must die! Alone! You are such a weasel, Germlat!
You luckily for all of us found respect for Olivier and now you are basically kissing his butt...not that there is anything wrong with that

It takes 2 to tango, and it also takes 2 for a shouting match... Germ might have raw feelings about this issue but she's a good person, I think.

**** her raw feelings, she had been happily married (if so) to a wonderful man. Being cheated on in past should be forgotten.

Well, I've gotten nothing but ridicule and insults from Germ. Claiming that shes "holding a mirror" up to my face. Not in the slightest. She made me defensive about my relationship with my husband, as she says that I have no respect for him and don't care about him because I've fallen for this other guy.

I think there are two kinds of people in this thread -- those that think they can control every single emotion, and those who think that they can't. I try to control my feelings, and in my job especially I need to. I was always a "I can control every emotion I have" type of person. Which is why this was so bizarre to me. All of the sudden, this feels like something I can't control. And I'm battling with that. Those who don't understand that view me as a cheater, a selfish person doing this to feel good about herself or whatever. Well none of this feels good.

And no. This is certainly not fun. Many days I wish I hadn't met this other man, and I could have continued thinking that this marriage was fine. But the truth is its not -- there are more issues with my marriage, and not just because I've met this other man. But if anything, meeting him has made me confront a lot of truths about my relationship with my husband. So no. Not fun. This hurts more than anything I've ever experienced, because I do have love for my husband. What kind of love that is and if it can sustain us is something that I've never had to question until now, when I should have been questioning it a long time ago. But when things seem to be going well, you don't question it, and that's what had happened.

You're a drama queen. I have never say anything as stupid as cheaters must die. That reeks of teenaged drama. I'll never agree that with
denying the truth and having an extramarital affair as right. I promise if you persue a GED, your reading comprehension skills will certainly improve. But you're angry at anyone not agreeing with you.....surely you don't need for me to mention a long list of names.

Sally...I have no doubt people fall out of love...I'll say it again. Nothing shameful about falling out of love or divorcing. There is something wrong in perpetuating falsehood. Sorry that makes you defensive. I'm sorry you're hurting, but--you must admit a lot of this is your own doing. I know you don't like my message...

I didn't say it wasn't my doing, but you need to understand that my intensions weren't selfish or hurtful. I got hit with feelings and I didn't ignore them because I thought they are too strong and too important to push aside. But its hard to explain or describe and you certainly can't feel what I'm feeling, just as I can't feel what anyone else is feeling.

Be honest with your husband first, then with OM. You say you cant leave husband, but... I think you are affraid he would leave you because deep inside you love him but are being driven by the chemicals generated in your brain. But you cant carry a relationship based on lies. By experience from a similar, not quite the same though, the chemicals in your brain will eventually fade for OM and the emotional connection you are creating will eventually prevent the connection with husband. Once OM is out of the picture, you will gradually overcome him and then you will be able to see your true feelings twards your husband and all the mistakes you now see will be multiplied by guilt. Read a little about marriage recovery after infidelity.... That will give you another insight and will be of great help... Note: i fell in love with another men too, and thought I was deeply in love, but decided to restart with my husband and discovered I did love my husband and now attempting with all my heart to start a new relationship.... And it is hard work.

I think old gal just wants to f**k who she wants when she wants. No need trying to dress it up. No one cares.

actually we haven't had sex. Shocking, I know, to think that this isn't about that at all...

well I've now been honest with both men and both are still with me, so the lying is done with. Im not afraid my husband will leave me - he literally told me he will not, and he wants to work it out, but says I need to figure out what I want to do, which is true. I do love my husband very much - If you've read everything that I've been posting in this forum you would see where my feelings are at with him and with this other man. No need to recap here.