HELP! Married but fallen for another man

Or he may be madly in love and detecting a distance between the two or not. Since she will be determining the time of the official breakup, I agree with GB that it'll be best for him to reach out to others for support.

Well this poor bastards fate has been up in the air for 21 days. Sally, have you decided what you are going to do? I understand you want to be happy, but ease up on your husband, he deserves a fresh start as well. It's not his fault you stepped out on him. Please shoulder the responsibility.

Ms Sally advised way back that she thought us A2K people were rude, not all, some and consequently would not be returning to her thread.

Well, there you have it. She is looking to justify her affair, gets irritated when others call her out. It seems pretty clear to me that she wants a guilt free separation from her husband and can't understand why some people will not understand. Sadly, the way we've been raising youngsters is flawed. At least in my country, we make too many excuses for our children's behaviour. Sally seems to me as a girl who believes she's entitled to be special. Maybe she is, I'm troubled by her lack of concern for her husband. If she wants a different life, she should reach for it, but she needs to understand her husband is also a human being. Just exit with dignity, for herself and her husband.

Out of curiosity I came back to this thread.. and wow.

I told my husband tonight. I didn't lie about anything. The truth is (and what I told him) is that my feelings for this other guy I barely have a handle on. Is it love? lust? infatuation? not sure. but I do know its something I've never felt before. Something that I should have with my husband, or something that I thought I had, but it took this other guy for me to realize that no, I may not have it.

I love my husband very much. I told him he deserves better than what I can offer him, that he deserves someone to love him more than I do. He has refused to give up on me. He says he will not leave until I tell him to. He said he thinks we can work this out once I'm done with school and we have more time to work on us. He doesn't want me to leave him, he wants to stay with me and work through everything. I told him I don't know if that will work out because I don't think that I love him in the way I thought I did.

All of you who think I'm a heartless, cheating monster who doesn't give a crap about my husband.. I just don't know what to tell you, other than you're wrong. Hes been my best friend for 7+ years.. I have a ton of love for him. These feelings for this other guy came unexpectedly and hit like a ton of bricks.. not even bricks! Hit like something ..I don't even know what it is. But its heavy and it hurts. I'm sorry its just not black and white like that - I'm not a bad person, I'm very confused and struggling with my feelings in a very real way. I don't think I'm "unique" or "entitled" to anything. I just know what I know, and feel what I feel.

its not even a "my husband vs this other guy" at this point, this other guy really just made me realize that what feelings I have for my husband may not be enough to sustain happiness for either of us. I told my husband this too, he says that he'd still be the happiest with me. Regardless if this other guy works out or it turns back to nothing, i think the answer is that we need a separation. And it will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Where we left things: basically a stand-still, I need to finish school and make sure that this doesn't take down my career and what I've been working on for the past 3 years. Likewise for him, a separation now would also burn a bridge at his job, and he cannot afford to do that.

I hope everyone was with loved ones this holiday. I'll update more here I guess, though I'm sure this post will spark many a scowling remarks about who I am, how I'm terrible etc.

Good on you for having the conversation. You have to realize that most of us here are Americans, and we have not supported marriage since the Me Generation came along in the 1960's. The slightest hints that your spouse has problems or that you are not happy will get a near universal " END THE MARRIAGE NOW". I decided to stay in a difficult marriage and tended to get named a guy with a martyr complex as a result.

I gotta admit though that I dont understand why you would get married while still in school and while too busy to devote any time to the marriage. We have seen a slew of Asians on here who get married to people who live in another countries whom they almost never see, another thing this American does not understand.

I commend you for coming clean. Be aware that his behavior/reaction to the news is more than likely an initial knee jerk reaction....the initial shock, denial of the grieving process. He will grieve and go through the stages of grief, as it is normal for anyone experiencing loss. Expect: pain, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. The fact you live together will make it tough. Once he realizes you are seeing your lover, he'll become angry. Also--depressed & sad (even angry), when he realizes you will not longer have sex or be intimate as a couple. Separate your finances as much as you can. Brace yourself...there's a lot more to come once reality sinks in.

Some A2Kers ARE rude, judgemental, moralistic and condescending on these issues, while others know better than throw the first stone.

I think it's bizarre and odd to not consider the position/predicament of the one being wronged....for whatever the reason...life happens ...but---must it really be at someone's expense? Why can't an open dialogue be possible? Is it ok to withhold information from another until it's safe for oneself? I don't think that's moralistic but fair.

So basically you're going to stay married and living with your husband while sleeping with this other man until the perfect time for YOU to get the divorce?

If I were him I would have told you to find a new place to live.

no, not "basically" anything. Time moves forward and I have to keep working, and so does he. We're in this together, its not about what's convenient for me its about whats best for us. We care about eachother a lot. If we can make staying married and together work then we will, but we can't focus on that right now. It sucks but it is what it is.

and I don't give a crap what you would do if you were him, because guess what, you're not him. You're not here and you don't understand what's going on in our lives.

She said she had not slept with this guy. But who is reading?

It's ok in my book to point at what you think is a just and moral way to solve a problem. What is not ok in my book is when people judge others as bad bad bad people because this or that love or hanky-panky story.

I am certainly not a judge in sexual conduct, and am happy not to be one. I will not throw the first stone, nor the second nor the third, at anyone on this subject. I leave that to those among us who have the privilege to never have sinned in their entire life... as some wandering Galilean rabbi of my liking once put it.

what is the moral way to solve this issue? Nobody Is judging someone for having a great time. Why isn't it possible to just be honest and say ...I'm done...I've probably sinned more than most and learned....why isn't possible to be honest and still have your fun? It's it an impossibility? Maybe to many people are feeling dejected and must go for what they can't feel they can't possibly ever have. Truth is you can have whatever you choose.....maybe that's just been my predicament...I'm lucky perhaps.

I don't read much "fun" in the stories told to us here. They sounds more like tragedy than comedy. Whoever is struggling with these sorts of issues is NOT doing it for the fun of it. If they were, they would not come here for advice: they would just happily **** around.

This is not about having fun for me. It's about people happily married who suddenly fall for somebody else, somebody forbidden. They fall in love like one falls from a chair. Bang! It hurts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4op1esLn4mc

I've always thought that life was about lessons learnt. What we take from those lessons can either better us or destroy us.

7 years together builds a strong connection, bond, possibly one of great friendship. Add, your school, his work, like everyone on this planet unless time is also taken out to smell the roses, they wilt.

Your husband knows your "character" and knew your character before he married you. He's probably scratching his head of what next to do to bring things alive again. I can't tell you what you are feeling for this other guy because it's your reality but when there are things missing in ones life, it tends to present itself. You may very well find that out and be able to then work on that with your husband.

I don't think it's worth throwing away a good bond, a form of love over a fly by situation. Your husband knows you and accepts you for who you are, what you need to do in my opinion is find out more about who you are, perhaps there's a different side to you than you realised, maybe sex was sex to you, perhaps there is a lesson somewhere here that it's not just "sex" perhaps sexuality or sensuality within yourself, only you will know that if you ask yourself that question. Maybe some good can come out of it in the end but remember, your husband would be feeling less of a man (perhaps) in the knowing now that his wife went elsewhere, so have some compassion as well if you intend to stay and stay only if you intend to believe there is a chance you two can finally work this out of being a couple.

I haven't gathered that from anyone here either. Everyone has an experience to bring to the table. Many have learned a lesson and read something that sounds like their own life experience or something that sounds eerily like it. I think everyone participating is doing so out of kindness....perhaps they've lived a similar experience and wished someone had given them better advice.

The way to hell is paved with good intentions. If kindness is the driving factor, then we should all refrain from lashing out at others with our judgemental whips, and try and offer advice instead. We all know it's much harder to help a person than to condemn him or her.

Some of the best kindness is providing a mirror. I actually select my friends this way.. Few people will say what needs to be said. Honesty is the best policy...although...I don't think all my posts have been condemnation do you?... I guess you're condemning me...oxymoron right? Oddly enough the OP has pm'd me numerous times. I don't condemn her as a person and I think she now understands that. I still speak on behalf of those who don't have a voice. BTW--I think people can make poor choices and still be good people!

Not just in this thread, but a2k relationship threads as a generalized group, the primary responses are scolding and righteous. Some of this is to the point, obviously, but over the years, the rightousness gets pretty gangbusters.

With Sally, I'm not clear she ever cheated - barring some kind of personal vows we don't know about pre marriage and then after marriage, only emotionally. But she seems to take it that way too, that she is a major cheating offender. Thus this thread about her seeming horrible lack of care.

People in general here, probably most often women, appear to take sex with someone as a kind of enclosure of desire for partnership identification. It's like a rule merrygoround. I don't take her as a serial offendress. She's talking, thinking about things.
She has tried hard to be straight and fair with her husband after a lot of thought, and keeps getting lectured.