HELP! Married but fallen for another man

I bet all is sitting now having jaw on the floor like HOW? She had no sex and in love??? How do we make it 'immoral'?

nothing like a sagging skin flesh without a brain...how satisfying ..

Still can't stay away from me...I am telling you, even with sagging skin I would be a magnet!

Well for those who care, or who are bored, or who are genuinely interested as this saga continues.

My husband and I will be separating. I'm not leaving him for this other man, I am just leaving. As much as he thinks I'm wrong for doing so, I know that both of us will in the long run be happier. I have a lot of soul searching to do. Between all this and school, I feel lost as an individual. Who I am as a person, as an artist (my line of work... kindof), and what it is I truly want, not what I think i want because others in my profession go down a certain path, the same one I'm being encouraged to go down.. do I want that? I'm not sure. In a lot of ways it was similar with my marriage. Going with what is laid out in front of you is easy, and a lot of life is hard, so making the convenient easy choices is a very tempting thing to do.

Well, its time for me to figure out what I want. I think my husband has some personal searching to do as well. His philosophy on life is contradictory to a natural state of being; in a nutshell, he will change everything about himself at the drop of a hat to try to avoid any conflict or contradiction, whereas I believe we need to face these things head on. He'll suppress everything and it inevitably comes up again. But anyways thats a different issue.

My good friend laid some truth on me the other night in an email. He said "When we used to hang out, there was always an underlying sadness I knew you were dealing with. I never actually knew you without it. Get it the f**k outta your life. I don't think you realize how much this is affecting everything within your life. Like everything from your emotions to your health to your happiness."

He's always been able to see through my BS. I've always felt a little out of place.. like this path I'm on I'm going forward, but Im never quite walking correctly. So its time for a change. It will be hard. But better do it while I still can.

Thanks to everyone on here, even the "haters." Just being able to talk, rant, yell, whatever, about it has helped.

(also, "Sally" is an alias, but I am in fact 27)

Wish me luck. Or don't. I do wish all of you luck, though. Thanks for reading.

Sally...I admire your decision. I think it takes strength. I hope you are being sincere with yourself in saying it is for you. If you pursue this other person....your ability to deceive yourself/denial will be obvious. I wish you the best and hope you find the comfort you are seeking.

Good luck, Sally.

New guy opened her eyes on what love is. Why can't she get out of the marriage and be with that person she is in love with? And who cares if it is 'obvious'?

Sally, my thoughts.

If you are lost, was lost, need to find yourself and this has been going on all of your life, then it was going on before you married. Are you sure separating solves the problem?

Sometimes it's the person behind you that is your best asset to obtain your dreams.

My suggestion would be to take time off work (leave) for 30 days, find the funds and go to a resort/retreat where they specialise in meditation and the likes then see who you are, where you are heading and what you want out of life.

She is an artist, I don't think she can take so much of time.
And question: does meditation really tells you who you are?
I have a friend who is going every year. Still not sure what to do
with her life.

Eliusa is right... because I freelance I am committed to projects I cannot take time off from and need in order to pay the bills (and a crap ton of loans... thanks, Grad School..).

But I do agree that finding myself is the most important. All this was going on before my marriage. Separating doesn't *solve* the problem, but it is a step in the right direction I am fairly certain.

Meditation is appealing for sure. I would love to go on a retreat by myself. But the time is not there, nor are the funds. Not right now anyways. But graduating will certainly help. But yes, what I want out of life is a very important question I need to work on answering again, and I need to answer it alone - another reason why the separation is important. Thank you so much for your thoughts - they are always appreciated!

Finances get in the way of everything Actually, had a dream that the banks took $6k from a loan I paid out and put it elsewhere, until I jumped up and down and then jumped again up and down, that was last nights dream, wonder what I am worried about?

Separating gives you time to think about "that situation" whether it is what you wanted or didn't want it's not Divorce, it's not a final. I guess I just wanted to through alternatives at you to ensure that you are "sure".

Meditation is not the only thing, it was the retreat with meditation, something about being surrounded by beauty, pampered, learning, eating well, feeling on top of the world that gives you clarity to see . (that is for you as well Elisua, in response to your question with me).

Sally I was 36 before I decided to marry and probably only because I thought he and I would make it. I left after 7 years, semi idiot he was though I met my fiancé 5 years ago, still happy and content probably for the first time, though I was ready at 36. But was I ready before? Probably not, I was a work-a-holic and loved it, had / have a lot of friends, went out a lot, chose to or not to enter a relationship.

Perhaps what you may find is that you want to live "your" life and you aren't made up of marriage and babies material but a long term partner will be important to you but perhaps later in life when you are ready for it.

I also think you have to be settled in life, doing all the things you love doing and happy with your work, it could be a simple thing that you haven't go their yet, given you are studying and working and have debts like a lot of people. Remember to take time out to smell the roses.

You aren't fully committing to either, currently, neither really know you 100% right now, as such you're not living in reality. Until you're upfront with both, you won't have peace. You need to do some deep soul searching. Put yourself in their shoes! No judgement, but I think you need to make it good/right with your husband.

Yes it is not good that you are doing it.

We've reached the time when being faithful to your significant other is almost unheard of, so I can't say I'm surprised by your decision.

I feel bad for your husband. You clearly have no idea what this sort of thing can do to someone. I see you on here trying to justify your wrong-doings to yourself with "I need soulsearching" and "I'm feeling something I never felt and can't ignore feelings" and it just makes me sad. You can't even come clean to yourself and admit that this is your own selfishness in action.

You told this new guy that you have a husband, yes? And he stayed with you and was perfectly okay with it? If that's not a red flag for you that says "STAY WITH YOUR HUSBAND" then I don't know what would be. A relationship started in dishonesty will END in dishonesty, and the fact that this new man has some degree of amorality leads me to believe you're in for a big slap in the face when you realize it and are left alone with no one.

I might sound harsh to you, but I've dealt with disloyalty before and seen all of this in action so none of it would surprise me.

What is that I am doing I am not supposed to do?

This is complete bullshit that if person cheated once he or she will cheat again.
Bullshit!
If person is happy in marriage - they will not cheat. And finding another 'party' to have sex with and trying to build new life with doesn't always mean amorality or cheating in future.
And her husband is better of because like you guys like to say it here 'he deserve to find someone who will truly love him', right?

**** the preachers!

I couldn't post just
because 'message was too short...'
So I had to write all this

Good luck.

I hope you are able to find peace and happiness for yourself - and then get out there and share it.

Really truly - good luck.

"If a person is happy in marriage"

This is a common excuse used by cheaters. "If I were happy I wouldn't even consider cheating!"

Really it's just a load of crap that people like you who have had personal experience with cheating and infidelity have come up with to help you justify your cheating behavior.