Question to married men who have anothe woman

This is pozole. With a little cilantro and some onions, there is nothing better.

I had this many years ago while on assignment in Mexico City. I had never had hominy...I thought it was delicious.

Now go have sex with it.

I get it where I live in a little hole in the wall joint (that's where you get the best mexican food) I really like it.

So I click on a thread ostensibly about extra-marital shenanigans and the first words I read is Chai saying she gets it through a hole in the wall. Tsk tsk.

Yeah, didn't you know this thread is about glory holes?

Shredded cabbage. Don't forget the shredded cabbage.

Oh, and diced raddish.

I have been in a year relationship, 9 months sexually, with a married man. We are both married with children. I can tell you why, from my experience, as I have asked the MM I'm with. He has been with his wife for over 20 years, he has told me he is not going to throw away a life together with her, his children, and grandchildren for me. He has built a life around their home, family, and friends. He has told me I am fun and exciting, he cares for me, and I am his best friend. We have gone out to dinner, walked in the park, cried in each others arms, and I have been to his home, but I will never fill what he has with his wife. He has told me he loves her, they still go out, talk, and spend time together. When he is with me, he doesn't think of home. When he is at home, he doesn't think of me. Men completely separate the two lives, from what I have read and talked with other woman, we/I can't separate it. He brings light to my darkness and I live every day knowing the fact that no matter what I do, he will never want me for more.

You are another one who made me cry. And think. Thanks.
But would you rather not have him at all?
Also I do not understand and never will why loving his wife he was looking for someone else? I understand if he fell out of love but living routine without enjoyment. If he LOVES her - WHY???
My flame says he thinks of me all the time, so do I. He told me he loves me.
So do I. However loving someone takes more than just talking about it.
Deciding to divorce is taking more time to realize that is what we both want and need.
All this could be just a mistake and later we both might realize that that was just it - lust and hormones (for 5 years? doubt it). And we go both back to where we came from becoming friends forever or just indifferent to each other.
My point is - kids are grown up. We are living without enjoyment. Kids will get married and go their ways. Why must we live to the rest of our lives in a stale pond? It is hard decision to make but if after some time we will still feeling like this - something will have to give.

Huge thanks for your post, Melissa.
I will read it again and again. Until something will hit me.

I feel your pain, believe me, I know. There is not a day that goes by that I wish it never started. If you talk to someone who has never been through this, they will tell you it's not real, how horrible you both are, and to end it. Of course, there are women and men out there who have affairs purely for the sex of it. There are people out there who will use you and lie, but that is not just in affair relationships, that can also be in every day relationships.

Let's take a look at this from the point of view that this man is not just out for sex and is a liar. I believe that when a man has an affair, he is looking for what he used to have with his wife, that has fizzled out. Meeting someone new is exciting! You get to learn about each other, share dreams, and flirt. You listen closely and it's only yours and his secret. It's like 2 kids getting away with getting cookies out of the cookie jar. There is no day to day annoyance; nagging, complaining, fix this, take care of that, we have to do this today, you're not good enough. It wears him down, and if the wife is miserable, she denies him sex, which for men, makes them feel wanted, needed, appreciated, and alive! Along comes another woman and gives him all of this...but he still loves his wife. At one point he had all of these things that you two have started.

I honestly believe that men can love two women at once. Men compartmentalize, they can actually think of one thing at once or think of nothing at all! Imagine if you could do that, only think of your man when you wanted to? I tell my MM that I wish I had his mind, to be able to just pull out a "box" open it, remember our times together, then put away that "box". He never leaves my mind.

You asked about why, if he loved his wife, was he looking for someone else. I don't think he was intentially looking for someone. I know with me and my MM, neither one of us were looking. It started as conversation (we are co-workers), then to more personal things (home life), to flirting, to joking about meeting out of work, to the result we are at today. Like I said above, it's that feeling of being alive, wanted, needed, desired, but at the same time, the guilt of saying "Until death do we part" to his wife. This does not deminish the love he has for you at all. Men just think different than we do.

If you have been in an affair for over 5 years, I would say it's not just hormones, there is a deep bond. You are right, children leave. I think that your man, my man, made a commitment to his wife, all their lives were spent planning for the future, for their life, for retirement, for college, for grandkids, he never planned for a future for you and him. You and I can imagine a life with them, there is a connection, happiness, and contentment. You love him, that's all there is, love conquers all.

Hard to accept, isn't it? That no matter what you do, how nice of a person you are, more attractive, more attentive, better in bed...you will never win over his wife. So, you have 2 choices, end it, or learn to deal with always being second.

I will tell you this, at some point, you will be ready, you may not be ready now, but everyone has a breaking point. A point that they finally reach, and no matter how hard it hurts, they end it. That is anything in life. Think about things in your past that you never thought you would get through, but for your own perseverance, you had to stop/end what ever was going on.

[email protected] - Feel free to email me

When will be your breaking point? 5 years from now, making it 10 years of sleeping alone in your bed , night after night, after night, whilst he cuddles his wife 352 times of the year x 10 years?

Geez, an assignation in Mexico City? I had one of those...

So, what was the question?

Found Soul,
she is married too with children.

I honestly don't know. People assume that people in affairs are horrible, evil, and disgusting. They deserve what ever comes to them, karma is a bitch. I am not horrible, evil, or disgusting...emotionally broken, yes. I am married, he is married, neither one us sleep alone. Eventually it will end, everything in life ends.

Oops, then I guess she's not alone

That sounds depressing.

I'd say "weak". The strong leave, the weak stay, or if not weak, self absorbed there is a reason to stay, such as he is in love with his wife, loves his children, his finances but emotionally needs something else so uses someone else to gain that. We are wired differently, I think. At some point don't you feel used? Even though you are gaining some form of emotional attention that perhaps you were missing?

What I never understand is if, you can find something that is missing in your relationship that you for what ever reason do not believe you can rectify, then it means that it was out there to obtain. So, doesn't that also mean it's still out there? If you were to leave your Husband you would "still" get what you were missing from someone else, only that person wouldn't be married?

Yes, it is depressing. If I had any self-worth/value/esteem/love for myself I wouldn't ever try to fill a void with another man. I am not a strong emotional person. For him, I'm just a toy, to play with when he needs to, to use for someone to build him up, and to push away when he has his wife.

You pose a very interesting question about being able to find a connection, if not with my husband, then another man? I know, in my heart, until I can love and be happy with myself, I will never find a meaningful relationship.

Yes, I've gone to therapy, taken anti-depressants, tried religion...there is a deep emptiness in me, that in turn, has stripped me of feeling I deserve anything that would be positive for me. You may wonder why don't I just end it all? I have two beautiful children that I need to teach. Teach them to be confident, secure, and love themselves. They make my life worth living.

I also do not understand how someone can have more than one thing, not even electrons and protons do this, they connect 1 on 1, therefore nature is against this greed between partners and extras.

Do you have any pets? They provide the most valuable tool in life, un-conditional love. If you truly focus on their every being and how they are towards you, you can clearly see how you, yourself can copy that and build it into your life. How else can you teach your children if you can't experience it.

A lot of things happen to us in life. A lot of people are born into the wrong family nothing we can do about either right? Wrong. We can choose. You don't have to live in the past, if that is what you are doing, you can live in today and work towards tomorrow.

Don't you think if you feel used and abused that this is a negative thought? Negative feeling? How can that help you where you want to go?

It can't.

Don't be a used door mat for anyone. We are all beautiful in our own way.

I think it's time that you realised this and stop beating yourself up as if you don't deserve better. You deserve your children don't you? They love you don't they? So you deserve yourself and respect of self.

Right? I guess I am else to find out