My life turned into a movie..

Hi everyone, I don't know if this site is suppose to help people or if it's just a place to get things off your chest, but I'm sharing my story in hopes that someone will take the time to read this and to maybe find some kind of answer or.. something.

I'm 23 and I've been in a relationship for 5 years now so I been with my boyfriend since I was 18. About a year ago, I found myself becoming unhappy in the relationship and I couldn't figure out why... the relationship is 100% perfect! I put these feelings aside and just ignored them and thought to myself maybe I'm crazy and this will pass, maybe I'm just going through some weird emotions. Around February 2016 I recovered my diary and the feelings of uncertainty I expressed in my diary about the relationship was the feelings I still had today. So I thought about it, it felt like I was falling out of love with him, the sex had gotten routine, we tried every and anything to spice it up and it worked but the feeling was only temporary, it felt like I wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore. When we did have sex he was the main one to start it off. as funny as this sounds I also felt like I was having a midlife crisis at a young age. It felt like we were destined to be married by the age of 26 or 27, and that scared the crap out of me. It made me feel like I had 3 short years left to enjoy my 20's before becoming a wife forever... for the rest of my life! I'm not ready for that lifestyle at all. I never got to be wild throughout college at all, so I started to wonder if I was missing out on experimenting and getting it all out of my system.

Then I've done the most despicable thing I could ever do to a person.. I cheated on him... I felt so horrible I couldn't eat for a week straight, I felt numb, empty and unworthy of anything good in my life. I said to myself "Okay if I had gone this far to cheat on the man who loves me unconditionally then It's time I stop ignoring my feelings of uncertainty and tell him how I feel" I tried telling him how I felt. I told him I think we need to take a break because I been feeling unhappy and I'm not as into the the relationship as I once was. I couldn't tell him I cheated.... I thought about the reasons why I cheated and I came up with this... The other guy put excitement back in my life. I felt a reason to get all dolled up and pretty for the day. He made me feel sexy... I felt wanted... I found myself loving the attention. the other guy and I hung out again with a group of friends.. you know doing college student stuff drinking and having a good time on a Friday night... after everyone left I stayed.. and before I knew it were having sex again. After I went to my apt. I reminisced about the sex I had with him.. I remember it being amazing.. Oh my gosh it felt so good and... I'm sorry I'll spare the details. but I found myself becoming drawn to him. I didn't want to have a relationship with this guy and didn't want to leave my boyfriend for this guy. But I couldn't stay away... I wanted him sexually and he wanted me to, it was hard to say no the tension between us was too strong to ignore.. I feel like a shitty girlfriend... I AM a shitty girlfriend.

I tried to get my boyfriend to understand that I want a break from the relationship because trying to ignore my feelings that something is wrong with me only drove me to cheat. But he doesn't want to let go. He understands where I'm coming from but at the same time he doesn't! Ugh. I still couldn't tell him about my now affair. What's even more fucked up is that although I feel guilty I want to continue my affair. I have 1 year of college left and I been thinking "... well maybe if I just have my fun for this last year of college and act as if nothing has happened it'll be okay, I wont see him again.. He lives up north and I live in the south" But my sensible self is saying that obviously it's NOT OKAY..

I know, I know I'm a bad person, I don't deserve my wonderful boyfriend, I'm trash, I don't deserve anything good in life, I horrible, I'm a liar... I'm a cheater... I still can not believe I'm a cheater... I despised cheaters I had an extremely strong hate for cheaters, I judged the **** out of people who cheated... now look at me.. I'm a ******* cheater. I see why people say never judge anybody because you can be put in the same situation...