My wife cheated

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Recently I had suspected that my wife was having an affair. (Shes 44)
She was traveling back and forth to Cuba with my daughter while I was at home working. My daughters boyfriend lives there and she did not want to travel alone.
As there have been lies in the past but no actually proof I became a little suspicious when I notice this change in her behavior which I had seen before and come to recognize.
We went on a two week trip with the whole family to Cuba.
Visiting with My daughters friends and family. We payed for my daughters boyfriend and his cousin (Hes 21)to stay with us at the hotel for 2 days. after they left I was doing some diving so my wife had planned a day to shop in the city. This was planned before we went down. Well randomly (according to her) she met up with the cousin and they had lunch. When I saw them together after the lunch you could clearly see the nerves and fear of getting caught.
I was even more suspicious now.
4 months later she left her email open, Well I went through the account and found emails back and forth with the cousin. My wife was sending pictures of herself in lingerie and nude. There was very sexual email detailing kissing and dancing they had done in the past (before the trip) and the plan to have him to the hotel so she could be near him. She even noted how difficult it would be for him to be around ME. The last line of the email was "Do not worry my love we will make it happen one way or another"

When I confronted her with an email from HIM she explained that he was infatuated with her, and when they were dancing he kissed her. She explained she had set him straight and that was it. Then I pulled out the email from her.
She apologized up and down said she was feeling neglected, and she made a bad decision. I thought maybe we could work it out as we know were not all perfect and I was working my ass off so was busy as hell.
Now two weeks later she has changed her story saying nothing happened on the lunch date, we all know this is a lie. In my mind if someone catches you and nothing happened I think the first words out of your mouth would be NOTHING HAPPENED I SWEAR!! not an apology.

Bottom line is that the trust cannot come back when she continues to lie. I would have a better chance if she just fessed up.
Not sure I should bother.

I would like male and female perspectives on this.

Thanks. Joe

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@Joe beach,

Sorry for this happening to you. I am not on a position to advise here however considering I am a woman and I am 48...get yourself less work and her more sex. And good luck.

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@Joe beach,

I suggest counseling, in order to bring a neutral third party into this. And consider what you want to do, where you want to go with this information. There are couples who can get past this. If that's what you want, then go for it. If you want to leave, then go for that as well. I do, though, suggest at least counseling, as you can work out the future (and the possible endgame for your marriage) in a less emotional manner, and you can explore your options.

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@Joe beach,

There are people that get caught in bed with another try deny it. She already confessed . You saw the nude pics and read the e-mail. I don't understand why you payed for the "cousin". Who convinced you to do it. Did he share the room with your daughter's boyfriend? My point is . What kind of lies was she telling you before? People cheat for numerous reasons but it is inexcusable. Go to counseling with or without her.

1 Reply

@Germlat,

I did not know about this when we payed for the guys as guests. The guys shared a room with each other. My wife said that when she asked my daughters boyfriend if he could choose one person to join him at the hotel he named his cousin. That is why he came. But I know different now.

Problem is My wife keeps insisting we move past and not to throw it all away.
I simply cannot move past this but is very difficult to admit I guess.

I agree with you there is no room in a marriage for this level of deception.

I was not a bad husband.

Yes I worked hard but was home every day by 5pm helped clean (like a man) cooked most of the dinners. This first cheat (with this boy) was March 2014
Before that we went on vacation for 2 weeks (all of us) in May 2013, in sept Her and I went to NY city partied and made love and so on. Dec 2103 Her and I went to cuba for a week again no kids just us parting and the rest.

She says I didn't pay enough attention to her which is crap. When she started a relationship with the boy she grew distant and of course it affected things and I grew distant as well.

JB

3 Replies

@Joe beach,

You are right, cheating does distant people.
However it seems like she didn't have enough from you.
Happy wife wouldn't go **** someone. Unless she has this whorish
quality in her. Have you ever saw her as a possible cheater before?

3 Replies

@Joe beach,

See Joe...I'm not not against you..but-- you can't determine what someone else needs ...only she can. If she felt neglected why didn't she tell you? If both had distanced due to poor communication, it's unlikely you can communicate now without a therapist. I can understand you feel terribly let down...how painful. But--there is a possibility you can still strengthen your marriage and have a great life together. I agree that she just want to let it go, but I don't think it'll work without understanding of why and how...that's were a marriage counselor comes in. By seeing one you are not agreeing to stay...simply to try to understand , perhaps forgive, or come to realization you cannot proceed. I left my first husband due to infidelity(among other things). I know how you feel. I never could move past it and trust again.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

You are right, cheating does distant people.
However it seems like she didn't have enough from you.
Happy wife wouldn't go **** someone. Unless she has this whorish
quality in her. Have you ever saw her as a possible cheater before?

Yes Eluisa, there are times when a spouse simply doesn't get what he/she needs...yet cheating is not the answer. We all feel at one point or another in a long marriage that we are not getting our needs met. Don't think every situation is like your own. Marriages have ups-downs...all of them! Communication is the KEY! We also have a personal responsibility to voice our needs(not talking about you ..I know you have) and due it with dire sincerity and seriousness. Otherwise, how can we be truly understood? Shoving our feelings under the carpet , only works in the short-run. Then after enough time, you either face the truth or sneak around to get what you need. I prefer the first...that's why I divorced my first husband.

1 Reply

@Germlat,

I know more people who can't communicate than those who can.
Unfortunately nobody teaching how to talk to your spouse or child.
I can relate to OP also because my love fell for me because we started to
communicate and he had never had a luxury of it at home. Now he has
best of both worlds:) and none of us have reason to divorce our spouses.
Funny huh?
Also let me point out that as I did communicated everything to my husband and he does (I believe) to me - ALL of my communications are falling on a deaf ear!!! So go on...try for months to bring it to the table and nothing!
However all this made me a better person (go ahead, laugh) because I do not
judge others anymore. I am completely tolerant. I think

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

I know more people who can't communicate than those who can.
Unfortunately nobody teaching how to talk to your spouse or child.
I can relate to OP also because my love fell for me because we started to
communicate and he had never had a luxury of it at home. Now he has
best of both worlds:) and none of us have reason to divorce our spouses.
Funny huh?
Also let me point out that as I did communicated everything to my husband and he does (I believe) to me - ALL of my communications are falling on a deaf ear!!! So go on...try for months to bring it to the table and nothing!
However all this made me a better person (go ahead, laugh) because I do not
judge others anymore. I am completely tolerant. I think

Yes...but when it comes to communicating to him that you WILL have sex with someone else in a joking manner ( as you put it), he may not understand you're
as serious as a heart attack. I don't claim to know what the heck is going on with your husband. For all I know he's done with sex(highly unlikely). I empathize with you as I've told you in the past. I couldn't possibly put up with it. But--take your lover's wife into consideration. She may be putting out, washing, cooking, cleaning...but maybe he's bored. He may simply not want to pay child support or alimony(he could just be a douche)....or he might still love her in his own selfish way and prefer her over you.

1 Reply

@Germlat,

I think husband knows I am serious. I did tell and I cried and all. Then I had to laugh...common! Begging husband to want you is ridiculous!
And about lover's wife - no, she is not doing any of the things you are mentioning (not told by him) and children are over 20 and he is not even know
me to change his life over me. Not yet anyway. So I do not know him very much. We are only starting... Wink

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

I think husband knows I am serious. I did tell and I cried and all. Then I had to laugh...common! Begging husband to want you is ridiculous!
And about lover's wife - no, she is not doing any of the things you are mentioning (not told by him) and children are over 20 and he is not even know
me to change his life over me. Not yet anyway. So I do not know him very much. We are only starting...

it was my understanding you had been at it for 5 years. As far as your husband, if he understands then it's on him... What about your lover's wife and kids? Do you not care what happens there.b what kind of man is he? Careful...he may be using you.

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@Eliusa,

Yes there were other times where she had lied about where she was. I found out she was with Men. Doing nothing of course. 4 times But I guess I did not want to believe she was liar.

Through both of your advice I may be starting to see some light. at least to know if I want to carry on and work through it.

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@Germlat,

I did not get the impression you were against me. You seem totally neutral.
I guess my point was she did not give any signs that she was unhappy until they started the affair.
I guess im have a tough time as I do not think I could ever move past this last instance. I may be trying to avoid it because it is less disruptive to stay than it is to leave.

1 Reply

@Joe beach,

Joe you mention that you've seen this "look" before in her, so to speak. Are you suggesting that this isn't the first time?

You also use the words for the Cousin as "a boy" and your wife is 44. So is he a younger guy in his early 20's? Could she be feeling old, used by date, have a need to feel young again?

You say you work a lot, cook a lot, do chores. Do go on holidays, party, make love.

It doesn't sound like a boring life but she may be seeking "adventure".

You can't in my opinion put things in the past without facing the present to work on a future.

I think you need to see a counsellor as well, sit down and work out her reasoning for doing it, don't just let it slip and go quiet, it will eat at you.

If she can open up and explain her reasons/actions and be honest with you, perhaps through counselling you can work at what is missing in your lives, I am sure that if you sat back and thought about it, there are things missing in yours as well, from her.

1 Reply

@Joe beach,

In the end a marriage counselor is best. I have my impartial notions due to my own experiences...you sound like a good person and husband is all I can say. Examine yourself ....seek counseling. If not together then apart. It's worth the money. I was hoping to give you a less generic answer but in the end, that's the BEST way for you to clarify things. Just know many out there know your pain...you're not alone. BTW--Found Soul and Jespah are probably the best to advice....

1 Reply

@Germlat,

I meant I'm not impartial..

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@FOUND SOUL,

Why would anyone seek adventure (as you saying having a good life) that can ruin their good live? Beyond my understanding...

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Quote:

Beyond my understanding...

Yes, I know love. Because you seek outside, where often the answer is inside.

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@Joe beach,

For Christ sakes Joe SHES CHEATING
you have the proof for yourself but want the lying backstabbing whore to tell you herself.
Shes a coward! she wants her cake and to eat it too.

Time to pull your socks up and start the separation process ASAP

1 Reply

My wife cheated

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